Carpetblogger Weighs In: Presidential Endorsement

Carpetblogger has finally accepted that, for the next 10 months, every conversation in a bar, in a taxi or a restroom stall will be dominated by U.S. Presidential politics. We've already had many animated -- sometimes bordering on violent -- debates among fellow Democrats about this historic and competitive primary election. And we've totally enjoyed every single one of them. 

We've also spent a lot of time disabusing Europeans of their arrogantly misguided notions about the dynamics of US campaigns. This is our burden, but do you see us weighing in on the ever-so-complex Belgian parliamentary elections? We avoid claiming authority (very often) over things about which we know nothing, but every Nigel, Juan, Geert and Franz seem to think he understands the electoral college because he read Stupid White Men. Twice.

Even though as a matter of policy Carpetblog has stayed away from posts on US politics, we've never made any secret of our own political leanings. Given that we worked in Democratic politics for 13 years and tend to hold strong opinions, to do otherwise seems rather unlikely.

Because there's so much at stake and because Carpetblog is highly influential among opinion leaders in the capitals of Crapistan, we've decided to make an endorsement. Before weighing in, however, it is important to lay out a few of our guiding principles.

First, Carpetblogger is a Democrat. This means we have lost far more races than we've won. All other things being equal, or even given the enormous advantage of a wildly unpopular incumbent, shitty economy and disastrous war, Democrats will figure out the most spectacular way to lose. This is a fact.

Second, Carpetblogger believes the mid- and late '90s were pretty damn awesome. The economy was smoking, there were no real wars and They didn't hate us that much.

Third, Carpetblogger believes that the only ones who insist they will change things in Washington are those who have no idea how Washington works. Carpetblog does not believe in change. Indeed, Carpetblogger rejects idealism, particularly when it comes to political campaigns and democracy promotion.

Fourth, despite overwhelming evidence that suggests it's highly unlikely, we want to win. To us, winning is more important than being right.

Finally, over the past eight years, we found ourselves gradually becoming nostalgic for the first Bush. Then we began to think that Reagan wasn't really all that bad. Eventually, we started to think Nixon got a bad rap. Given this long, slow decline in expectations, Carpetblogger has a single demand for the next President: basic competence.  Above all else, we want someone who can unfuck things.

So, yah. Hillary Clinton. That's who's getting the coveted Carpetblog endorsement.

Here's why:

First, Hillary is a snake, but she's our snake. In a fight, I'd want her watching my back. She's going to know where to stick the shiv and how hard to stick it. I like Obama. He's a very talented politician (and cute too!), but getting a pass on your Senate campaign because your opponent got caught going to S&M clubs does not qualify you to withstand the shitstorm that the Republicans will gin up. I want someone who knows how to fight dirty and win at all costs. On our side, no one can do that like a Clinton.

Second, it surprises me how caught up people -- especially those who should know better -- are in the "inspirational message of change and unity" coming from the Obama campaign. What kind of fool looks to Presidential politics for inspiration? All those people are going to be devastated when Obama loses in November. No one is going to be all that disappointed when Hillary loses. Why not be prepared for it?

Third, when I see Bill Clinton up there, I feel all warm and fuzzy, like it's 1997 all over again and all we had to worry about was who was blowing whom.

Finally, unfucking things. Remember that first two years that Clinton spent getting rolled by his own party over stupid shit like gays in the military? That's what I foresee the first two years of an Obama Presidency being like. Things need to get unfucked fast.

So, wait. You mean there's another party? In theory, we could care less about the Republican race and the circus sideshow of freaks running. But because Carpetblogger believes that Democrats will almost certainly be defeated, we endorse the Republican we will be least horrified to lose to in November, even though we are rabidly opposed to 95% of his positions and think he's way too old: John McCain. At least he's an adult and he might unfuck a few things before keeling over. For pure entertainment purposes, however, we'd opt for Mike Huckabee.

Seriously, five years of lowered expectations in Crapistan is like eight years of the Bush presidency: eventually, your standards get so low that anyone who isn't a wild-eyed creationist with 15 children and a penchant for the gold standard seems "not that bad."

Comments

[Baku Steve]

These so-called "caucasuses" are a complete fraud. I've lived in the Caucasus for 4 years and I've never seen a single one.

[the Husband]

I guess the reason Europeans like to pass judgment is that while the Belgian President can only aspire to wipe the human race of the face of the planet by gorging them on Poirot, beer and chocolates the Prez can do it by pushing a button....so in the modern age of instant news and views and given Americas role as worldwide cop and bringer of sub-prime woes and single handedly putting the world economy on the brink of recession because of it ..... of course people are going to have an opinion.

[Joy]

In 2008, I want a president who can speak in complete sentences, pronounce nuclear, and use the correct tense. Talk about lowered expectations.

[Paul Lawrence]

(disappointed you don't accept html on this - don't you want my post with links to all my amazingly clever posts, websites and other valuable resources for promoting democracy and Obama for President?)

While I deeply respect the Carpetblogger, I cannot endorse your endorsement. I share your cynicism, but am slightly drunk with hope, and not the one in Arkansas. No, I don't like this the feeling. I don't like being a fool. I hate being weak in the knees and generally avoid being moved by a politician, particularly an American one. But it has happened. I am very moved. I am guilty, even knowing better, for being caught up by an "inspirational message of change and unity". I even hate that I like that ridiculous BEP video. God, I have lost it!

First, I don't want another snake. W had far too many.

Second, guilty of being a fool and don't care. I never looked to presidential politics for inspiration (except in Azerbaijan), but this year, there happens to be a very inspiring dude running for president. Go figure.

Third, we have different opinions about Bill. I have grown to really dislike him over the past weeks. And what about that story in Kazakhstan? Have you commented on that yet?

Finally, unfucking things requires someone who can talk about politics. No republican is going to talk politics with Clinton. They are going to talk about anything but politics. Plus, I think Obama knows as well as you that the world needs unfucking. He won't get distracted.

But I do love your turn of phrase. We need to unfuck things, indeed.

[Hans]

Do you know that Bush is of Turkish descent, BBC revealed that this week...sorry...
The first time I moved to the USA, LA, was end October 1980, just before Reagan became president. The second time was September 1988, and saw the Rep's in NYC celebrating that Bush Sr. won the elections. The third time, for a long stay in the USA was Augustus 2000, yes, Miami. And saw the battles with my own eyes how Bush Jr. stole the elections.
No, I don't have any plans to move even in the direction of North America by the end of this year..)

[the Husband]

Hans.....you have a link about the Bush being turkish article...

[mindthegap]

Thanks for the entertaining insight into American politics - I'll come to Carpetblog in future when I want to figure out what's going on, because already I run in the opposite direction when the daily updates on US campaigning litter my screen.

[Iowa Sense]

Wow nostoligia for the wonderful 90's. 1993 the 1st WTC attack. Seems like they hated us then. 1996 Kohbar towers attack. Another love fest there. 1998 coordinated American Embassy attacks in Tanzania and Kenya. Fun fun times. 2000, USS Cole attack in Yemen. Happy happy joy joy. And what was Saint Clinton doing in office? Writing budgets to increase spending on training and equipment for the US Military? Authorizing full scale attacks on terrorist strongholds? No no noooo NO. Just fire off cruise missles to be able to say he did SOMETHING. And apparently those weren't the missles he was most concerned with firing off. (sorry can't slam Clinton without making a veiled oral sex joke). That and he decided to make sure that Chinese companies could buy American missle technology! And now, surprise surprise, the ChiCom are testing weapons in space! That and their balistic missles are WAY more accurate!
I am not happy with any of the candidates running for office. I would prefer Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinic to run together as independents. Doesn't matter which one for pres, they are both insane and would really shake up the system.
But I am happy to see the democrats actually managing to destroy each other enough for me to have hope that John McCain can win. Why do you always set yourselves up for failure? Already the democrats I read online, speak with in person and especially on TV have "THE" attitude. You know what I am talking about. The attitude of "we can't POSSIBLY lose THIS presidential election". I saw the same attitude in 2000 and 2004. Don't get me wrong, you should not lose this one. But every day I become more hopeful that you will. A lot of America still has a lot of latent sexism and even more latent racism. And while that is not a good thing, it is working in the Republicans favor this year. You have chosen a polarizing woman and a black man as your main candidates. Good luck with that!

[Gila]

The Israelis are also obsessed with the US Presidential election. As for me, I am not particularly enthused with any of the candidates. So am ignoring it as much as I can, in the hope that this will make it go away....

[Matt]

Vote CarpetBlogger. It's worth it just for the bumper stickers with variations on "UnFuck Yourself in '08!"