Ask Carpetblogger: How Can I Tell If I am In Crapistan*?

Tough question! Crapistan is so often either a state of mind, or like, porn, the sort of thing you recognize when you see, it can be hard to know for sure. But since we consider this blog to be the ultimate guide to Crapistan, we thought we'd outline some of the questions you should ask if you find yourself thinking, "wow, am I in Crapistan?"

• Do passengers applaud after the plane lands?

 

• Do passengers jump out of their seats just after the plane touches down (before the applause, even), grab their bags from the bins and run toward the front? (There is an inverse relationship between the likelihood passengers do this and the importance of the activities those passengers are rushing off the plane to get started doing.)

 

• Are most bags on the carousel swathed in high-tension plastic wrap or held together with packing string? (Again, there is an inverse relationship between the amount of plastic wrap used and the value of the bags' contents.)

 

• Can you see any signs, advertisements or instructions written in Cyrillic, even though you are in a country that does not use the Cyrillic alphabet? (But! It is axiomatic that if you are in a country that uses Cyrillic, you are in Crapistan. Don't even try to argue otherwise because you are wrong.)

 

• Are you struck by the talent of local (Chinese!) designers in the medium of Bedazzling?

 

• Pointy shoes. On men (that's sort of a gimme -- if you can't recognize this, you probably aren't ready for Crapistan). Shiny suits, too.

 

• Do you see more than ten people carrying rainbow-colored "Rave Girl" plastic shopping bags?

 

• Is Nescafe marketed as a superior alternative to coffee?

 

• Can you buy beer in sidewalk kiosks? In the morning?

 

• Do you fear for your safety? Crapistan is not particularly violent. The biggest danger is becoming collateral damage in a bar fight over prostitutes.

 

• Is the Duty Free shop cash-only?

It should be pointed out that just because a place is undeveloped or hovering in the gray area between third and second world, it is Crapistan. India and Pakistan, to name two examples, are not Crapistan. Crapistan implies a certain level of development in infrastructure that, out of neglect, war, kleptocratic governance, oligarchic greed or other factors, has been allowed to decline precipitously (former British colonies don't necessarily count). Also, Crapistan suggests the emergence of a vulgar middle class that has more money than sense, and accordingly, has refined and retained its tchoutcka (rube-ish) habits. For example, Crapistaniacs (new word! Credit must be given!) can afford air travel, but don't understand the protocols or the importance of real luggage.

Essay question: Baku is the Capital of Crapistan: Yes or no? Show your work!

Carpetblog management is well-aware that this is not an exhaustive assessment. The Carpetblog demographic knows Crapistan better than any readership of any blog on the entire internets. We look forward to reading your input in the comments. Also, if you can't figure out if you are currently in Crapistan, you can ask and we'll conduct the assessment and provide you with a written analysis. For free, even.

*Can you tell we were recently in Crapistan?

Comments

[Jen]

What are you talking about? Beer from sidewalk kiosks in the morning sounds like heaven to me! As long as it's not Efes, of course...

[Zhenya]

I no knowing this crapstan. but only me doing clappin when plane good landing. not like on ukraina, there everyone doing clapping. because i full respecting of pilot and love plane land with good health. and also in thaeland they clapping when plane land good.

[Carpetblogger]

Well said, Zhenya. In Crapistan, a plane landing without incident at the correct airport is indeed worthy of positive reinforcement.

[varske]

So you didn't clap when you arrived back?

[Shannon]

haha!

[BReed]

America is still the pre-eminent member of the League of Crapistan. The American trump card? The vajazzle. No Bakuvienne will ever be able to get as ugly as early as we can. U-S-A! U-S-A!

[Rene]

Crapistaniacs line the aisles while taxi-ing towards the arrivals gate with a cigarette either a) tightly clenched between their teeth or b) discreetly tucked behind their ear.

Sexy!

[Anka (aka MoldovAnn)]

In Crapistan, the value of a piece of paper increases in direct relation to the number of stamps on it.

Also, you know you are in Crapistan if the seat belts in your taxi have been removed (or at least rendered unfunctional) as a show of independent-mindedness against the new law requiring seat belts.

[Carpetblogger]

Oh, I forgot about stamps! Major oversight. I was trying to get the cigarette issue in somewhere but it's too broad and complex.

[madeleine schlawitz]

Am soon going back to Denmark after a few years in Istanbul and am in awe of your assesment of things Crapistani...however, it all bears a chilling resemblance to much behaviour in your average Dane.

[Carpetblogger]

Never having been to Denmark, and having only met the politest and most charming Danes, we can only assume that Denmark is not Crapistan. It is too orderly. It is, however, "Adult Alternative," which is the theme of an upcoming post we have had in our head for a long time, but have not committed to blog.

[John]

Closest I've been yet is Warsaw (but that's pretty close). Spent a week there one night. I am heading for the full indoctrination in August as we move to Ganja, Azerbaijan. Ya-hoo! Love your blog!

[Carpetblogger]

20 years ago Warsaw was certainly crapistan but is no longer (see? Crapistan can evolve!).

Ganja. Whoa. Gecmis Olsun.

[Rza Kazimov]

From the deep of the Crapistan came the comment over the text. Ganja) and his incurable, hopeless question "Crapistan can evolve"?

Yes Crapistan can, but its habitants cannot.

[scary azeri]

I love you. :)))

[Carpetblogger]

Fascinating theory! we have to ponder this...

[Corinne]

Wow! Crapistan sounds A LOT like Afrik-uh.....I think that my next port of call should be somewhere in Crapistan....it would be an easy transition!!! In Crapistan, does a scheduled meeting require everyone to be at least an hour late and then proceed to have everyone yell at the top of their lungs at one another as in Afrik-uh? The louder and more nonsensical the yelling the more important the discussion? Usually about any topic other than the one chosen for discussion? Instead of 'I'll be right back', 'I will go and come'? When answering the phone, are you greeted with an endless stream of 'hellos' until and unless you finally ask who it is they are looking to speak to?

[Matt]

Crapistan implies a certain level of development in infrastructure that, out of neglect, war, kleptocratic governance ... emergence of a vulgar middle class that has more money than sense ...

oh!oh! Detroit is the capital of Crapistan. What do I win?

[Crapchacko]

1- Allah Korusun!

2- In true Crapistan, we smoke IN the visa line. There is no waiting to smoke.

3- Duzdur!!!

[Josh]

You forgot about two mobile phone related items:

1) Phones will be used at all times, even, for example, during business meetings, during dinner, during taxiing on runways (and during flights if possible), during theatrical performances, etc. The need to make and take such phone calls immediately is inversely proportional to the importance of said calls.

2) Teenagers, and the young at heart, will play modern pop versions of traditional songs on their mobile phones set on loudspeaker mode while walking to and fro in the cities of Crapistan. This is now being adopted by pre-teens as well. Thankfully.

[virerus]

I came inadvertently upon your blog while searching for expat life in Central Asia. I didn't know some of the people there "dislike" it so much.. Well you don't have to be there if you don't like it is what I think.

What I have noticed is that people in former Soviet block are not as pretentious or fake and especially don't vent off their frustration with life on blogs, etc.

[Ray]

In crapistan we dont need to look when we cross the road, the drivers are skilled enough to evade us, no matter how stupid we are, unless they are women drivers...

[elvirs]

yeah but drivers in crapistan always stop if a woman crosses the street no matter what colors the lights are on but they never stop if men are crossing :) they just drive right onto them. i guess its the feeling of crapistani man to satisfy their male instincts of scaring other man :D

[John McClane]

Crapistanis smoke in the baggage hall next to the sign that says 'No Smoking! Infraction? Fine XX (insert local currency).

Malta used to be Crapistani according to the flight ritual when not only did they applaud on landing but also crossed themselves on take-off. I haven't been there for a while but I think they were growing out of it

When you use an ATM in Crapistan to take out £50 or $50 in the local currency you find you get 500,000 of the local money all in 100,000 notes. Then you find that a coffee is 2,500, a meal is 50,000 and nobody has any change. When you finally get change it's all in 1,000 notes most of which are falling apart. On this basis Malaysia is not Crapistan, but Indonesia definitely is. As are Syria and Egypt but not Jordan.

A late comment, but I just came across this blog googling for Turkish residency. The bloody government have changed the rules again. A simple system where you got a 90 day tourist visa by spending a day in Greece has morphed into a system where the 90 days have to be spread over a 180 day period and for anything else you need to pay a fortune for residency. Our nearest foreigners' section is a 3 hour bus ride away and is open only from 9-12 weekday mornings.

I took Turkey out of the Crapistani class according to the ATM criterion when 2,500,000TL became 2.5YTL. But with this rule change it's right back in there.

Great blog!

[Bob Beer]

Don't complain, at least you *can* get a residence permit. Try getting it in Greece - easy enough if you have 25,000 Euros lying around. But Greece is a special case: Crapistan that has covered the crap with a veneer of money and is now convinced that it is not Crapistan, and this is part of the denial strategy. Well, until about 2 months ago; if you cover crap, it tends to ferment and start oozing out between the cracks. Waiter, what's that brown chunk in my Necafe frappe?!

[Mpc7777]

Re-reading this following your Crapistani post, I think discussion about the Capital of Crapistan needs to be (re?)opened. Tashkent objects to your giving away this title so easily.