Carpetblogger

Ask Carpetblogger: What are you wearing?

It seems like everyone these days is asking, “Hey Carpetblogger, what are you wearing?” We attribute this sudden surge of interest in our wardrobe not to a switch in careers but to recent preparations for our Ramadan trip to Yemen and Saudi Arabia. 

Our recent foray into online shopping for modest yet fashionable clothing at the desertstore.com was an epic fail. Instead of admiring the contrast between the photos of the all –male Saudi management and all-male south Asian tailors on its website, we should have been asking “on what women are they fitting these clothes to make sure components such as breasts, shoulders and hips are accounted for in their designs?” The sizes we bought were so far off the mark that it made us wonder if the designers and tailors had ever actually seen a live woman. Memo to self:  even if it sounds like fun, don’t buy clothes online from Saudi Arabia.

Because no one wants to spend money on unattractive, unflattering, poorly designed clothes that suggest medieval attitudes toward women, we delayed this little adventure until a mere hours before our plane was to depart for Sana’a. (it should come as news to no one who reads Carpetblog regularly that, while we appreciate the  institutionalized myths around which people structure their lives, we don’t really respect them.

Lucky for us, we live in a Muslim country! Several of our modest contemporaries suggested our best bet for value, selection and convenience was the IMÇ shopping outlet in Fatıh, one of Istanbul’s most fashionably observant neighborhoods.

In addition to Modest Clothing, you can buy anything at IMÇ as long as it’s floor coverings, upholstery, industrial sewing machines and musical instruments. Our modest contemporaries failed to mention that in order to locate the Modest Clothing section, one must navigate IMÇ’s five grey, multi-story soviet-style blocks. The mosaic art that failed miserably to add any visual interest to the drabness (dated 1965, too) confirmed that whoever designed the place studied at the Krushchev School of Retail Design. Failing to understand its logic, I located the Modest Clothing block tucked amongst musical instruments, last (see how long I’ve been out of the FSU?).

Our original shopping plan included a gay (or gay-wannabe) advisor, but that would have been a disaster in this all-female cocoon. The reaction of the modestly dressed sales girls to us, in shorts and a t-shirt purchasing tunics, ankle-length jackets and pantalons, ranged from bemused curiosity to matronly patience to giggly enthusiasm. Even so, we found the cultural, linguistic and stylistic gap impossible to bridge. Not only did nothing they propose appeal, we lacked the linguistic ability to communicate how to improve their suggestions.

We ended up buying four of the exact same tunics in different colors, a long coat that, while not an abaya, we’re counting on to mitigate potential conflicts with the Saudi religious police and something shiny for the glamorous iftar to which we have not yet been invited.

So with a new wardrobe like this, it’s easy to understand why interest in what Carpetblogger is wearing is running higher than usual among those outside our typical constituency.

Carpetblog Recommends: The Desert Store

Carpetblogger loves to shop and we love a challenge! We are here to announce our discovery of an on-line store we've discovered that has everything for the fashionable AND modest woman!

And, for the woman who is neither but has to go to Saudi Arabia.

Like all business travel, this trip presents wardrobe-related logistical challenges for girls. To start with, it's not just Saudi, but includes Pakistan and Yemen as well. Both have slightly differing standards of female modesty. Second, it's August, which means it will be 150 degrees and humid in seaside Jedd-ah and tail end of monsoon in Islamabad. Sana'a sits at 7500 feet. The only way this trip could suck more is if it fell in September, which is Ramadan, and included a visit to Kabul. (Vigilant ancestors will be pleased to know the Afghanistan portion of the trip has been canceled out of security concerns).

Our current wardrobe, while completely appropriate for "consulting" from the couch in Istanbul, doesn't quite meet Wahabbist standards for female modesty or anyone else's definition of "professional" or "attractive." You'd think that, as a resident of a city that has one or two Muslims, we'd be able to find something suitable without a lot of effort. The Grand Bazaar is a good place to shop if you want to  dress like a housewife from Fatih or like sequins. However, as it is hot, crowded and disorganized, shopping there demands substantially more effort than we wanted to devote to this project.

Our biggest clothes-related question has been "how much can we get away with?" Since Jedd-ah is the Berkeley of Saudi Arabia, an abaya may be optional (it isn't in Riyadh). It's difficult to articulate just how much we don't want to wear such a garment in summer Gulf heat. We understand that women do it all the time -- women who are not us. Last time we were in Pakistan, we purchased a shalwar and wore it all the time, not because we wanted to be respectful but because it deflected the attention of thousands of horny Pakistanis. We have no idea what to wear in Yemen, but assume something long and sack-like is expected.

Surely, the internets would have the answer to our problems.

We found The Desert Store and many problems were solved. The Desert Store is a Saudi-based on-line store offering "Islamic Clothing for the Family." I found their offerings to be both fashionable (well...) and reasonably priced! They provide the uniforms for Saudia flight crews (which I anticipate being able to assess personally), which established them, in my eyes, as a legitimate design house. And the chance to use a credit card to purchase on-line from a store in Saudi Arabia proved irresistible. The site is simple and well-organized and clearly written in a language recognizable as English. They promise delivery via DHL. There are helpful photos of management (all Saudi) and workers (all Southeast Asian). Their common characteristic appears to be a penis.

  After scouring the site and resisting the temptation to purchase Miswak (alert readers will recall it was -- and still is -- our favorite flavor of toothpaste), we settled on two tunic blouses and a skirt that we are certain will keep the religious police off our infidel ass. We already own 5000 head-scarves so didn't purchase the Saudi-style chador, which, at $7.50 seemed like a real bargain.

So, should you find yourself in the position of having to find yourself some modest clothing for your next trip to the Gulf, we highly recommend The Desert Store.

It's September in Kyiv

And it's getting cooler. That means the skirts don't get longer but the boots get taller. If you're not familiar with the principles of devushka fashion, you'd better read up first.

We're in a shoulder season here in Kyiv. It's still too warm for cropped puffy jackets and pink fake rabbit fur, and black wool coats trimmed with dog fur are still a month or two away. Stiletto sandals are out, but stiletto boots are in, in, in. Tampon-string skirts are never out of fashion, nor are camel toe jeans.  Be sure to accessorize liberally -- winter, spring, summer or fall -- with sequins, crystals, rhinestones, fishnets, brass studs and superfluous buckles!

Let's take a look at what's hot on the streets of Kyiv this season.

While her tampon string was not visible, the tops of her stockings were.

Admire the whole devushka package here: Mobilichka in use, black fake handbag, lots of ruches and boots that serve as both hosiery and footwear!

Those heels are pretty low.

As an experienced Devuska photographer, I never produce quality work when I position myself in prime territory and wait for them. I do my most creative work when I rip my camera out of my bag, dropping pens and receipts on the ground, in order to capture an iconic devushka as she clacks by, supported by the arm of a much less attractive friend. A smart devushka knows that when promenading on Khryshatik on Friday evening, an accessory more valuable than an animal print catsuit is a less attractive friend.

Alas, sometimes quality suffers for spontaneity

If knee-high white boots are wrong, I don't want to be right!

Alas nothing is more fleeting than youth.

The Anti-Devushka Goes to the Beach

Fun T-Shirts

Our friend Wu Wei posts about the woes of a British store that didn't check the online translator before buying a bunch of T-shirts that said "We Will Cleanse Russia of All Non-Russians," a more typical yet less benign slogan than "Be Proud of Russia," which is what they thought the shirts said.

I have acquired some fun t-shirts too. For the most part I know what they say.

I got this one from our local Ukrainian nationalist bookstore in Kyiv. The faces are Leonid Kravchuk (1991-1994), Leonid Kuchma (1994-2005) and Viktor Yushchenko (2005- present). It says "All Presidents Are The Same."

In many ways this is true. A lot of presidents, it turns out, are complete retards. However, only one President was poisoned with dioxin.

This is one of the world's most recognizable brands: Hezbollah. Not sure exactly what it says, but I can't wait to wear it on my next flight to the U.S.

Prudently, I had my Ukrainian friend translate the shirts before I bought them at the nationalist bookstore. He described this one as the Ukrainian nationalist and anarchist Nestor Makhno. Because Ukrainian Nationalists are known for many things, one of which is killing Jews and Poles, I suggested that the Producer might want to run a quick wikipedia search on Nestor before wearing this shirt around town. Turns out that ol' Nestor and the Makhnovists (that might be my new band name) criticized the Bolsheviks for their moderation but were less pogrom-prone than others.  In some circles, he was dismissed as a "drunken bandit." Wear with confidence!

Ask Carpetblogger: How Can I Tell if The Seasons Are Changing in Kyiv?

If you want objective, clinical data, you can rely, like everyone one else, on the calendar. Alternatively, if you place no faith in such tools of oppression employed by The Man, the changing of the leaves and snow flurries can also give you broad outline of the path the earth is taking around the sun.

But Ukraine is a complicated place. There's a lot going on beneath the surface, undetectable to the untrained eye.

Monkeys in Kyiv could identify its four seasons without a problem: the day ice starts to melt and the sound of moving water  enters urban soundscape; the first outdoor beer and shashlyk at Kafe Bogatir; the first time you get pinged in the head by a falling kashtan (chestnut); the first time a carpetdog's pee freezes into a yellow icicle when he lifts his leg.

But, as with most questions in Kyiv, one must consult the Devushka oracle to get a complete answer.

Kyiv has micro-seasons. If you fail to pay careful attention to the wardrobe selections made by its young female residents, you may not notice them.

For example, anyone with eyes can see it's over-the-knee, black stiletto boot season. It arrived about a month ago, pushing late summer's open-toed sandal-style stilettos to dark closet recesses. Its arrival coincided with the season of fading Antalya package tour tans and fraying of madcap summer holiday cornrows.

Away went the cropped, tramp-stamp revealing tops and out came the cropped, puffy, rabbit-fur jackets, in a rainbow of colors that do not appear in nature.

This lasted about a month. Now it's starting to get seriously cold, yet skirts still reveal far more than many people want to see. Won't these girls make the slightest concession to personal comfort and insulate their labia?

Of course not.

The coats simply get longer. Heavy black, ankle-length wool (sometimes dog fur purchased at mink prices) makes it possible for Devushkas to keep their femininity intact even if it's 25 degrees below. Those heavy-duty nude extra-shiny support nylons, the kind you were told to wear as a teenager because they would "make your legs look tan," if by tan one means "glowing like radioactive nougat," serve as extra insulation.

So, when do over-the-knee, black stiletto boots go out of season? Surely when Kyiv's sidewalks are coated with a layer of ice? That's where you're wrong. Stiletto heels NEVER go out of fashion in Ukraine. In fact, some Devushkas might argue that the spikes may provide increased traction when walking down icy streets.

If you learn nothing else from this blog, remember that whatever the question, Devushkas hold the answer,

The Wikipedia of Slutty Dressing

I've been searching for a niche, and I think Mr. Copydude has generously suggested a winner.

"Fat cat suits are quite a study. Recently the Carpetblogger - fast becoming the Wikipedia of  Slutty Dressing - promised to enlighten us about male fashions. I’m hoping there will be a section on Elitny Dress Code. (I’d also like to know whether ‘Fat Catsuit’ should be written as two or three words. Short of a Style Guide here.)"

You have definitely tossed down the gauntlet, CD. With all the Donestski moving to town, I'd better giddyup and start mining this rich vein.

Devuskha Style

As we've mentioned in previous posts, the Russian word for girl, ma'am, lady or waitress is Devushka. Devushka can also be an adjective used to describe the uniquely Ukrainian, hyper-feminine approach to fashion.

Note how I chose the word "hyper-feminine." I could have just as easily used the word "whorish" but I don't want to ruin my reputation for cultural sensitivity. It is the case that many wardrobe choices made by the average Kyiv twentysomething woman give off visual cues that are inextricably linked with streetwalkers in the west. Find me a westerner who denies thinking "I wonder how much she charges?" when a woman in a short skirt, fishnets and stilettos walks down Kryshatik at noon on Sunday and that guy is probably blind.

I will stick to my original word choice - "hyper-feminine" -- to describe Devushka style. "Ho" is a cultural construct to which I will not subscribe. Women who don't cover their heads in Muslim cultures are often believed to be whores, an assumption I find medieval. Along the same lines, if a Ukrainian woman wears a skirt that reveals her tampon string, it's just as medieval of me to assume she's a hooker. She just likes to show off her body. And, she would probably respond that western women dress like men. It's a draw.

Let's discuss the principles of Devushka style.

• There's no such thing as too tight, too sheer, too low cut or too short.
• Shoe angles should be at least 45 degrees, with heels no greater in circumference than an icepick;
• Accents such as ruffles, flounces, bows, puffy sleeves and lace are highly valued;
• Forget any differentiation between day and evening wear. Sequins, sparklies and rhinestones are just as appropriate standing in line at the aptek as they are at the smokin'-est oligarchical night club.
• Colors and fibers that appear in nature are verboten;
• Foundation garments, if they must be worn, should be viewed as accessories. Thongs, if undergarments must be worn, are meant to be seen;
• Intriguing shirts are those with non-sensical English phrases ("Punk It Up Rock Slacker") or coy witticisms ("Will Fuck for Coke")
• Nipplage is in.

The great thing about Devushka style is that it is appropriate for all ages and body types. Don't worry if your crop top reveals stretch marks from two pregnancies and a caesarian scar. Rolls of hipfat should not stop you from donning jeans with a three inch rise. Even drooping boobs want to be free.  Though, to be clear, there are a large number of Ukrainian women who can pull off low rise jeans and bandaid skirts splendidly.

Camel Toe at No Extra Charge

I've spent a lot of time thinking about why this fashion is so popular in the former Soviet Union, and perfected in Russia and Ukraine, but nowhere else. Is it a reaction to the drab pallette of the Soviet years, especially of their mothers? Most of the women who dress like this were grade schoolers at best when the wall came down, so I don't think that's it. Don't Ukrianian women, especially professionals, see any downsides to being perceived as a sex object first, a competant employee second or third? Uh, no. That's a whole other post. Are they ever going to outgrow it? Polish women dressed Devushka in the early 90's (and all the men wore white socks with their suits) but now most Polish women's style is indistinguishable from that of any other European woman and you never see a white sock. There's no evidence that the appeal of Devushka is waning here, however.

And don't think that foreigners can't fall into the Devushka trap. Spend enough time here, deprived of shopping options, and a top or a jacket in Metrograd (the mother ship for Devushka style, just like Wet Seal, but not as classy) can start to look "not that bad."

Until your friends say at lunch, "Uh, don't you think that cropped, crocheted sweater is a little Devushka?"