Carpetblogger

Open Letter to Zafer Isik, Yabanci Subesi Resolution Manager

Sayın Zafer Bey!

Back in January, we posted about our experience obtaining our residence permit at the Yabancı Şubesi (Foreigner Office) in the İstanbul Emniyet (Police Headquarters), an experience we compare unfavorably to visiting a Central Asian gynecologist. We commended your operation for gradually imposing order by requiring folks to take a number and reducing the number of windows one has to visit and the number of stamps necessary to just one. We took this as a sign that, over the three years we have been obtaining residence permits, Turkey is, yavaş yavaş, becoming more civilized.

Well! After that post, you kindly left a comment, which we ignored at the time, because, just like the gynecologist, we avoid thinking about the Yabancı Şubesi except the one day a year when we have to go there, asking us to provide some constructive criticism*. Little did we know that you already had some improvements in mind for the operation that closely track the kind we might have suggested.  You should have run them past us! We would like credit for them (Your original comment along with a hasty translation are below).

Recent reports from the Correspondent Formerly of Kathmandu and Beirut and Now of Istanbul indicate that the changes made since January, are in a word, awesome. If you follow her work, you know she specializes in reporting on Epic Failures for Carpetblog. Based on her experience at the Yabancı Şubesi, one might conclude its management has been turned over to a pack of wild dogs. But we think that's unfair.

Gone was that experiment with internet-based appointments (did anyone really think that would work?). On her first visit, she was told that in order to get a number to turn in the documents for her permit, she would have to get in line across the street from the Emniyet, starting at 2 am. She did this and was relieved to see an orderly and friendly group already formed. She took the 18th place in line and made friends.

When 8:30am rolled around and numbers were handed out, she was discouraged to receive number 74. How did this happen? Comrades-in-line deduced that the first 50 numbers had been sold by an "entrepreneur" who, after "picking a fight" with other line-standers, was "detained" by the police with a show of force so convincing observers concluded the entrepreneur could only be another police officer. The ability to pretend you're not doing what you're doing is what separates Turkish police and waiters from all those yahoos in FSU. We admire that. Those people are savages.

After navigating the YS's signless maze (you might consider posting directional signs in Turkish, though definitely not in any other language), CFKBNI finally coughed up more than 770 YTL for a document that confers few meaningful benefits. We paid less than 600 YTL three years ago. Inflation! You have it! Play that card if it's your hand. Carpetblog approves, as long as you don't use the extra fees to improve the Yabancı Şubesi customer service.

We here at Carpetblog were becoming worried that Turkey was losing that developing world "edge" that foreigners always appreciate, especially when it comes to dealing with police and bureaucracies. We are relieved our fears were misplaced! If CFKBNI's experience this week was any indication, the Istanbul Emniyet has become concerned, too, and opted to rely on its old skool habits for dealing with "visitors."

*Just FYI, our contract with the "Constructive" Division of the Criticism Department expired long ago.

Original Post:
26 Ocak 2009'daki Yabancılar Şube ziyaretiniz ve yaşadıklarınıza ait
deneyimlerinize yer verdiğiniz yazınızı okudum.

Önerilerinizin yapıcı olacağı ve daha faydalı olacağına inandığınız
düşünceşerinizi, bizimle paylaşmanız.. saat 03.37 olmasına rağmen iyi niyetli yaklaşımlara her zaman açık olan emniyet teşkilatını memnun edici motivasyona taşıyacaktır. Yazınızdaki tutum ötesinde, gözlemlerinizin sizde olması gereken çözüm
önerisi nedir? konusundaki fikirlerinizide oraya taşımış olmanız bizleri mutlu ederdi.

Yanıtınızı bekler, iyi niyetli ve yapıcı olacak önerileriniz için şimdiden teşekür ederim.

Zafer Işık
İst. Em. Md.lüğü Yabancılar Şube Çözüm Ortağı
Yönetici

Translation:
I read your writing regarding your visit to the Yabancilar Subesi on 26 January 2009 and your experience.

With the belief that you intend your proposals to be constructive and more beneficial share with us ... Despite the fact that the hour is 3:37 a.m., the police staff, which is always open to good-intentioned approaches, that carry a motivation that will please the police staff.

Besides/beyond the manner of your writing, had you included in that writing your ideas on proposals for solutions, which your observations surely must have given you, that would have made us happy.

I am awaiting your response, I thank you in advance for your suggestions that will be good intentioned and constructive.

Zafer Isik, Istanbul Police Department's Yabancilar Sube's manager of
resolution partner

Update on THY "Wrong Runway Landing Pilot"

Newsflash!

Thanks to astute, Turkish-reading Short Blonde Neighbor, the "wrong runway landing" pilot has resigned, ostensibly because of withering mockery from this blog. Our Turkish isn't that great but we're pretty sure we're credited in that story.

Also, according to the unimpeachably accurate Trend News, "Reasons of this landing were connected with the pilot's mistake. The evacuated passengers are interested in this case and intend to file a suit to compensate a moral damage."

Carpetblogger is still standing by to negotiate on behalf of the morally damaged Kathmandu Correspondent. We'll aim much, much higher than the five kupati she might otherwise deserve due to pre-existing damage.

As big fans as we are are post-Soviet conspiracy theories, we're not buying rumors that the plane was filled with Ukrainian special forces (CKC says the plane was half full, mostly of Israeli tourists) or the former interior minister, with whom the government wanted to consult. They totally would have used AeroSvit for that mission then promoted the pilot.

Open Letter to Turkish Airlines

 Sayın THY!

We think that flying planes must be a really hard job. There are so many things to keep track of and gauges and dials to watch and procedures to follow. And, to think, you might be expected to do all this with only a few tea breaks on a two-hour flight. Exhausting!

To us, one of the hardest part of flying planes must be knowing where the airport is. You're expected to accurately land your plane on a little strip of tarmac, in between mountains and buildings and other obstacles, sometimes even in the dark, every single time! If only there were some modern technologies available that could tell you the precise coordinates of the Tbilisi airport instead of, just as an example we're going to pull out of our ass,  a military airstrip 20 kms from the Tbilisi airport.

Normally, we might let a "WTF?" incident like this pass unremarked upon, but Carpetblog's Kathmandu Correspondent happened to be on the flight and provided illuminating details. We felt this story needed to be told from the perspective of someone who had her photo taken by uniformed Georgian soldiers with camera phones as she deplaned, 20 kms from her actual destination. "The flight crew refused to believe me when I told them we  weren't actually at the Tbilisi airport and responded, 'of course this is Tbilisi.  We have very professional pilots. How could we not be in Tbilisi?'" She also notes, "when the pilot realized the mistake, he turned the plane around and tried to take off again but was stopped by military vehicles screaming down the runway."  Also? Apparently, there were actual sheep on the runway. You can't pay for illumination like that, can you?

We here at Carpetblog can hardly blame the THY crew. For all they know, all 737 passenger jets landing in Tbilisi are met by tanks. Those Caucasians are unpredictable and hotheaded. And it's super easy to get a pock-marked military runway recently bombed by the Russians mixed up with the runway of the Tbilisi international airport, which was designed and built by Turks.

But, then again, we're just a blogger, not a pilot. No one has ever asked us to land a plane  at the correct airport. If they did, they would have to expect a bit of trial and a lot of error. Fortunately, though, if our current gig as an incisive social commentator doesn't pan out, Turkish Airlines is hiring pilots! We're filling out our application STAT! We know exactly where the Tbilisi airport is, although our skills with the A320 flight panel are, admittedly, a bit rusty.

So, THY, should you be paying attention, Carpetblog's Kathmandu Correspondent is seeking redress. We are here to broker the deal, subject to the usual agency fees (upgrades work!). If you don't believe the impact of a Carpetblog open letter to an airline, google AeroSvit. We hope you get your plane back. Call us!

Hugs,

Carpetblogger

Carpetblog Pre-Departure Briefing for David Plouffe's Trip to Baku

 No one knows better than Carpetblogger how to ingratiate oneself to an obscure, corrupt dictator with oil, so we're a little miffed Obama's campaign manager David Plouffe didn't call us before his upcoming trip to Azerbaijan.  Who hearts Baku more than Carpetblogger?

Anyhow, since he's visiting at the invitation of the Association for Civil Society Development, a government-created lobbying organization masquerading as an NGO and, as RFE/RL tactfully puts it, "government mouthpiece," he may not need our advice after all. We wonder if he might be there to discuss the fake exit poll the group commissioned for the 2005 parliamentary election that did so much to enhance Warren Mitofsky's reputation (it completely annoys us that Daria Vaisman's excellent TNR article about this story isn't online) and support the government line that it doesn't steal elections. Or maybe, even a Chicago political consultant can learn something about election stealing from the pros. But! We digress.

Here's our advice.*

• Azeris have the biggest poles.
• Watch out for Camel Toes!
• Be sure to check out the hip-hop scene.
• Maybe you might want to plan another junket after Disneyland-Azerbaijan and the Death Star/Caspian Asshole hotel opens.
• Azerbaijan is democratic and lawful. The signs say so.
• Azerbaijan has a thriving fashion industry. Maybe you can suggest Michelle chose something from the Atilla collection for the White House Correspondents' dinner.
• Obviously there are no hard feelings about the whole Chicago vs. Baku in 2016 thing.
• Don't miss Sumgayit. Bring your gas mask.

Remember, David, it's not selling out, it's buying in! We're glad GovAZ is establishing links with the new administration and we hope you're presented with some quality investment opportunities while there. Democracy is for chumps!

Ken Silverstein at Harpers has written at length about ASCD. He has updated his blog.

*If you think this post was just an excuse to link to old posts, you might be right. Those were the days when we actually liked this blog.

Ask Carpetblogger: Whose Pole Is Bigger? Azeris' or Gulf Arabs'?

For far too long, this has been a matter of speculation for us personally. But thankfully, the Wall Street Journal has done the legwork for us and determined that, at least for now, the Azeris have the biggest pole.

DUBAI -- David Chambers builds the tallest flagpoles in the world. His current client wants him to stop.

This month, Mr. Chambers is erecting a pole in the wind-swept Azerbaijan capital of Baku. At almost 532 feet, it will be the tallest flagpole on record. Azerbaijani officials, eager to savor the feat, have asked him to hold off building a taller pole for a year, he said.

Clients "always tell us they want this to be the last record," Mr. Chambers said from his small office in Dubai's sprawling port. "But they know, in general, that we're on a roll, and we're gonna build more poles."

A monster-flagpole building boom is sweeping across Central Asia and the Middle East, and Mr. Chambers, an American entrepreneur, is at the center of the frenzy. In the past eight years, he and his small company have built the world's four tallest "unsupported," or freestanding, flagpoles. The Baku pole will top all of them....

Last fall, the Azerbaijani government ordered a flagpole measuring 492 feet, enough to break the Aqaba record with plenty of pole to spare. But midway through construction, Mr. Chambers got a call from Baku.

He says he was told the country's president wanted to top North Korea's 525-foot-tall flagpole, near the border with South Korea. It sits atop a tower -- so it doesn't qualify for Guinness's "unsupported" category. But Azerbaijani officials wanted to beat it anyway. (The president's office said a spokesman wasn't available to comment, and officials didn't respond to emailed questions.)

Earlier this year, Turkmenistan cut a deal for its own tall pole. Mr. Chambers agreed to build one smaller than the Azerbaijani pole, which was already under construction. But he said he'd finish it quicker.

That way, Turkmenistan could hold the record for at least a few weeks. They got a discount because their record won't last, Mr. Chambers says. Turkmenian officials don't seem disappointed that it will be short-lived...

Mr. Romanos says his potential client is somewhere in the Middle East but doesn't want to be identified until construction starts. That's to keep neighbors from planning their own, taller poles.

"It's important that they keep the record as long as they can," Mr. Romanos says. "It's a pride thing."

Because if I was President of a country with pretty much unlimited resources, a medieval health care system, apocalyptic pollution and people still living in holes in the ground from a war I lost 15 years ago, the first thing I'd do to demonstrate my emergence on the world stage is erect the world's biggest flagpole.

Beach Cossacks Versus Banana Hammocks

It's little known fact but the Russians invaded Turkey long before they set their sights on Georgia. Antayla, which sits on the Mediterranean Coast and used to be not awful, receives planeloads of vomit-splattered yobs from Rostov every day. Any devushka worth her boob job knows that Antalya is waaaay better than Batumi, with the added benefit of plenty of oversexed Turkish men (hey girls! It's not whoring if you give it away!).

The Turks have been falling over themselves to serve this new demographic, which demands high prices and the same level of quality and service they've come to expect back home in Smolensk. They've even built a resort replica of the Kremlin and St. Basil's so Russians feel at home. I've heard that a Russian developer is building a seven star hotel which, to you and me, is a five star with an addition error. In fact, I've been thinking of a creating reality TV show, based in Antalya and starring Russians called "When White Trash Wins The Lottery."

The Turkish papers lately have been feeding the fires started by an article in the German daily Bild. Germans, who once were only challenged by the British for the gold medal in holiday obnoxiousness, are facing a full scale attack by the -- wait for it -- Beach Cossacks!

Calling Russian holidaymakers “worse than the English,” Bild said the “annoying hordes” of “beach Cossacks” were “occupying our vacation paradises” such as Turkey’s seaside town Antalya.

Bild pointed to the increasing wealth of Russian tourists and their willingness to throw around cash to make up for their supposedly bad behavior as the reason why resorts traditionally catering to Germans are going Russian. “They spend on average eight times more than Germans,” the paper said...

"Watch out! They push you out of the way (at the buffet) ... stuff their plates full, stink of alcohol at 8 o'clock in the morning and don't know how to behave," the paper cites Ulrike and Toni from Freiberg as saying.

In fairness to the Russians, the paper tactfully neglected to mention lobster-red Ulrike's poorly supported genitalia and Toni's muffin top and fingers greasy from clawing into the schnitzel büfet.

It's sort of not even a fair fight. The Russians may have been excluded from the international holiday obnoxiousness competitions for a few decades, but they've really made up for lost time by mixing vodka, oil money, a bearish inferiority complex and a penchant for bad plastic surgery. I can't think of a stronger challenger on the scene!

Beach Cossacks may be the best descriptive term ever invented and I am going to use it forever. There's a long and treasured history in Turkey for polite nicknames like this one too. For many years, the Turks referred to Kurds, whom everyone knows don't exist, as "Mountain Turks."  Unkind people who don't appreciate Azerbaijan have referred to Azeris as "Cracker Turks." Maybe the Turks and the Azeris can start referring to Armenians as "Mountain Azeris." We've renamed the Chiplomat's all girl rock band the "Mountain Yanbancis" (which is not to be confused with another local all-foreigner band called "Pis Yabanci," or "Dirty Foreigner")

Attention Stupid Terrorists! Now Accepting Grant Proposals

We've often pondered whether groups that fund terrorists deal with the same challenges that face organizations that give grants for things like democracy promotion or humanitarian projects. How do you decide whom to fund?

Does Al-Qaeda issue RFPs on the USAID model?  How is capacity measured? How is sustainability defined? Do they demand documentary receipts for explosive purchases? Are there strict "Buy Pakistan" procurement regulations or "Fly Saudia" requirements?  Surely, the average terror grant giving organization must get a lot of fucking stupid ideas coming in the door. How do they deal with proposals offered by those who are clearly incompetent?

This "stupid terrorist" meme is a rich vein. So rich, in fact, that The International Man of Mystery and his sidekick Young Coconut, with input from The Producer, have made a short film about Nib Nedal (can you read backwards?), the world's worst terrorist. Called "A Free Radical," it premiered at Cannes a month or so ago to the kind of acclaim that can only be achieved when bananas are beheaded on film. A Free Radical deserves a wider audience, so I have been advocating for a You-Tube posting, but to no avail. I digress.

So, how does the Terrorism Funding Organization (TFO) respond when presented with a grant application that is so incompetent that the only response is "How stupid do they think I am?" This has to happen all the time, especially if the grant seekers come from the more medieval areas of Pakistan or Afghanistan. Or perhaps, Turkey. There is no evidence whatsoever that the attackers of the US Consulate last week had done much else than herd goats and work in textile factories. That had to have been clear in their grant proposal.

Seriously, who thought funding the attack was a good idea?  Did not the line item for "hiring a random taxici to take us and our guns to the U.S. Consulate" raise any red flags with the grant committee? How about a workplan that included "leaping out of a taxi at an armed guardpost and firing indiscriminately"? Even Nib Nedal could have come up with a better idea.

Let us pause to explain how utterly ridiculous the idea of attacking the U.S. Consulate in Istanbul is. The Consulate is about 20 kilometers up the Bosporus, stuck on the side of a hill in a typically overbuilt Turkish settlement called Istinye. Surrounded by multiple high walls and built from pale brickwork, the words "prison" and "high school" come immediately to mind. Even though we are not professional terrorists, we can tell that attacking the consulate from anywhere but the air would be very difficult.

Even with all the unquantifiable benefits that come with holding a blue passport, there's nothing about the approach to the consulate that says "welcome to America, we're glad to see you!" It's more like, "prepare for your complimentary cavity search." This has always bothered us, since almost everyone is coming to the Consulate to get visas to visit America. Although truthfully, foreign visitors would be well served to accustom themselves to being insulted and offended well before they even attempt to breach U.S. airspace. A word of advice: if you ever arrive at the Consulate by car, it's best to jump out while the car is still moving, lest you attract the attention of heavily armed and itchy-fingered guards. 

So what did the attackers think they were going to do next, assuming the three were able to kill all the guard standing outside and proceed unhindered? As soon as the shooting started, the whole building was locked down, guaranteeing that no one was going to get past the first guard post and into the building anyway. Then, the Marines were waiting inside the walls and we get the impression they don't fuck around.

To be clear, we're not making light of the attack. Not only were three Turkish police officers killed when they took the brunt of the attack and bravely killed the three attackers, our beloved Chiplomat works in that building.

In response to the tragedy, we have pledged never to mock U.S. embassy design until our diplomats -- and the nationals that risk their lives to guard them -- are no longer exposed to armed retards with impulses unrestrained by common sense.

Ask Carpetblogger: Does Camel Toe Have Two Meanings?

Because there are so many easy targets, Out of respect for the rich culture of Azerbaijan, I usually try to ignore ridiculous new stories coming out of Baku. But like the asshole hotel, once they hit outlets like FARK, I feel it's my duty to weigh in and add a bit of cultural context.

The local media recently busted the Camel Toe, a fine drinking establishment in Baku that I have used to illustrate so many anecdotes that Carpetblog (proudly) comes up in google searches of the term.  Apparently, the wizards at the state-controlled Today.AZ just discovered what the name means. (Don't know? Wikipedia does).

The retardedness of taking issue with the name of a bar that has been there for AT LEAST five years is exceeded only by the retardedness of the article itself. Because I don't trust you to click through, I'm going to parse it in this post so you don't miss a morsel.

Azerbaijan is among the most tolerant countries of the world.

This has been repeatedly stated even on state level. Our country serves as an example for other CIS states

This is true, though let's be careful about setting the bar too high. Azerbaijan does compare favorably to Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan and Belarus. However, the Kyrgyz have a real edge in the sheep fucking department and the Moldovans might have better food.

A pub named Camel's toe which initially seems to mean what it means -"A toe of a camel" functions in the very center of Baku, several meters away from the passage, at 22. Mamedaliyev street.

But, in fact the name has a double meaning. The Camel's Toe has a meaning "the clear visible presence of a woman's vulva as a consequence of wearing overly right [sic] pants.

A question comes to mind: was it named so on purpose? And what does the logotype of the pub, which locates in one of the most popular streets of Baku, mean? (see the photo below).

Impossible! A Baku bar whose primary clientele is snaggle-toothed rig monkeys and the women who love them was absolutely named in honor of the foot of a dromedary. What possible double meaning could be extracted from that?

The girl at the bar said the pub was named on purpose. "Every client understands it as he wills..." She refused to translate our questions to the bar owner saying that the latter is aware of the name.

Well, we would not make any conclusions. But several questions arise unwittingly.

Why did they name the pub like that? Could they not understand that this may arise protest among the local population?

I would say the questions arose dimwittedly, but in a country like Azerbaijan which, in addition to its tolerance, is also known for free and open debate in the media, that might be unfair. Also, since the local population utters nary a peep when the national treasure is appropriated by the kleptocracy while IDPs live in holes in the ground, the owners of the Camel Toe probably felt confident that opposition to the name of a bar would be muted.

Perhaps, the British citizens wanted to introduce European culture in Azerbaijan, forgetting about the local mentality?

Perhaps, they wanted to mock at Azerbaijanis, who are not aware of such details of British slang? Or perhaps they bound the slang name of the pub with Azerbaijani ladies, visiting it?

None of the Brits I knew ever tried to introduce any kind of culture, European or otherwise, to Baku. Furthermore, "camel toes" would be the least unkind thing you could say about any Azerbaijani "ladies" that frequented that bar.

The article is infused with a "I'm shocked! Shocked!" tone at the prospect that prostitution *might* be going on in the neighborhood.

By information, our news agency received, prostitutes are working at some pubs, providing services to foreign "fat cats" for at least $500. "Ladies" do not want the local population to see them, therefore, such establishments are usually private and local residents are not allowed in.

So by "private" Today.AZ must mean "advertising in all the English language newspapers" and "garishly signed on the street." And why would any local visit an overpriced pub aimed at foreigners when there are at least eleventy-million sleazy joints offering bargain-basement whores within a 10 block radius that appeal more to the "local mentality" (i.e. young and hairy)? Remember the old Carpetblog rule about bars which you have to walk downstairs to enter?

The sheer number of whorehouses in a downtown area might be yet another area in which Azerbaijan leads the CIS. And when you're competing against Kyiv and Moscow, that's quite an achievement.

All this manufactured outrage at Today.Az suggests to me that the owner of the Camel Toe got sideways with someone in the government, or ran a whorehouse that provided too much competition to the other brazillion in the immediate vicinity or the local liquor importing cartel decided to play hardball. The Producer, who is once again Carpetblog's on-the-ground eyes and ears, reports that the fuss is the work of a disgruntled employee.

Carpetblog Weighs In: Disneyland in Baku

Astute reader Jonathan passes along a titillating rumor that he's heard around Baku!

"Baku is trying to negotiate to be the location for a Disneyworld! It will be out on the island off Baku, and there will be a new causeway connecting to the new road they are building up near TISA.

I find it hard to believe but then I remind myself that this is a place that thinks it can get the Olympics…

All those fancy hotel pictures you have seen (the arsehole one…) are tied into this dream I suspect."

ZOMG! Because Carpetblog is nothing if not service-y, we're offering some ideas for amusements that we think are consistent with the "Happiest Place on Earth" brand yet, at the same time, take advantage of the rich cultural offerings of "the Oasis Between Iran and Chechnya."

We've already weighed in on some potential events should Azerbaijan be selected to host the 2016 Olympics. Here are some Carpetblog-approved attractions for Disneyland-Baku, offered free of charge.

"It's a Small World": The Boat Bar was an abandoned Soviet-era passenger ferry rusting at a pier next to the boulevard. It was, by far, the best bar in the Greater Caspian Region. Re-hire the whores, water down the liquor, genetically enhance the bed bugs, fill it with pointy-toe shoed thugs and crank the Tatu up to 11! I will personally contribute my bottle of "Za Karabagh!" jubilee vodka for the rechristening.

"Autopia": The best part about MAC Carting was that no matter what time of night (or morning) and in what state of intoxication you arrived, you could drive go-carts as fast as they would go and issue daring challenges to your contemporaries. This is a no-brainer.

"Mad Tea Party" A group of drunk women crash the all-male chaikhana on Malakansky Sad.  Watch the sunflower seeds fly!

"Kleptocrats of the Caspian:" Guys in shiny pin stripe suits randomly approach guests and demand $80 in exchange for a stamp on their ticket stub.

"Frontierland Shootin' Exposition:" Recreates the scene on the Iranian border when the US invades.

"Astro Blasters:" Entry free of charge with purchase of two half-cooked lula kebabs and six Xirdalan beers. It's a squatter!

Carpetblog 100% supports this idea, but there's really no need to build an island. So many of these attractions already exist in Baku that the capital investment should be pretty minimal.

 

 

 

Azerbaijan Death Star

Seriously, I was trying to ignore this ridiculous hotel proposal for Baku, but it turns out I can't. The Azeris are challenging the Gulf Arabs for the "More Money Than Taste" Award.

It looks like a giant asshole to me, which is screamingly appropriate.