Carpetblogger

Ask Carpetblogger: Does Camel Toe Have Two Meanings?

Because there are so many easy targets, Out of respect for the rich culture of Azerbaijan, I usually try to ignore ridiculous new stories coming out of Baku. But like the asshole hotel, once they hit outlets like FARK, I feel it's my duty to weigh in and add a bit of cultural context.

The local media recently busted the Camel Toe, a fine drinking establishment in Baku that I have used to illustrate so many anecdotes that Carpetblog (proudly) comes up in google searches of the term.  Apparently, the wizards at the state-controlled Today.AZ just discovered what the name means. (Don't know? Wikipedia does).

The retardedness of taking issue with the name of a bar that has been there for AT LEAST five years is exceeded only by the retardedness of the article itself. Because I don't trust you to click through, I'm going to parse it in this post so you don't miss a morsel.

Azerbaijan is among the most tolerant countries of the world.

This has been repeatedly stated even on state level. Our country serves as an example for other CIS states

This is true, though let's be careful about setting the bar too high. Azerbaijan does compare favorably to Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan and Belarus. However, the Kyrgyz have a real edge in the sheep fucking department and the Moldovans might have better food.

A pub named Camel's toe which initially seems to mean what it means -"A toe of a camel" functions in the very center of Baku, several meters away from the passage, at 22. Mamedaliyev street.

But, in fact the name has a double meaning. The Camel's Toe has a meaning "the clear visible presence of a woman's vulva as a consequence of wearing overly right [sic] pants.

A question comes to mind: was it named so on purpose? And what does the logotype of the pub, which locates in one of the most popular streets of Baku, mean? (see the photo below).

Impossible! A Baku bar whose primary clientele is snaggle-toothed rig monkeys and the women who love them was absolutely named in honor of the foot of a dromedary. What possible double meaning could be extracted from that?

The girl at the bar said the pub was named on purpose. "Every client understands it as he wills..." She refused to translate our questions to the bar owner saying that the latter is aware of the name.

Well, we would not make any conclusions. But several questions arise unwittingly.

Why did they name the pub like that? Could they not understand that this may arise protest among the local population?

I would say the questions arose dimwittedly, but in a country like Azerbaijan which, in addition to its tolerance, is also known for free and open debate in the media, that might be unfair. Also, since the local population utters nary a peep when the national treasure is appropriated by the kleptocracy while IDPs live in holes in the ground, the owners of the Camel Toe probably felt confident that opposition to the name of a bar would be muted.

Perhaps, the British citizens wanted to introduce European culture in Azerbaijan, forgetting about the local mentality?

Perhaps, they wanted to mock at Azerbaijanis, who are not aware of such details of British slang? Or perhaps they bound the slang name of the pub with Azerbaijani ladies, visiting it?

None of the Brits I knew ever tried to introduce any kind of culture, European or otherwise, to Baku. Furthermore, "camel toes" would be the least unkind thing you could say about any Azerbaijani "ladies" that frequented that bar.

The article is infused with a "I'm shocked! Shocked!" tone at the prospect that prostitution *might* be going on in the neighborhood.

By information, our news agency received, prostitutes are working at some pubs, providing services to foreign "fat cats" for at least $500. "Ladies" do not want the local population to see them, therefore, such establishments are usually private and local residents are not allowed in.

So by "private" Today.AZ must mean "advertising in all the English language newspapers" and "garishly signed on the street." And why would any local visit an overpriced pub aimed at foreigners when there are at least eleventy-million sleazy joints offering bargain-basement whores within a 10 block radius that appeal more to the "local mentality" (i.e. young and hairy)? Remember the old Carpetblog rule about bars which you have to walk downstairs to enter?

The sheer number of whorehouses in a downtown area might be yet another area in which Azerbaijan leads the CIS. And when you're competing against Kyiv and Moscow, that's quite an achievement.

All this manufactured outrage at Today.Az suggests to me that the owner of the Camel Toe got sideways with someone in the government, or ran a whorehouse that provided too much competition to the other brazillion in the immediate vicinity or the local liquor importing cartel decided to play hardball. The Producer, who is once again Carpetblog's on-the-ground eyes and ears, reports that the fuss is the work of a disgruntled employee.

Carpetblog Weighs In: Disneyland in Baku

Astute reader Jonathan passes along a titillating rumor that he's heard around Baku!

"Baku is trying to negotiate to be the location for a Disneyworld! It will be out on the island off Baku, and there will be a new causeway connecting to the new road they are building up near TISA.

I find it hard to believe but then I remind myself that this is a place that thinks it can get the Olympics…

All those fancy hotel pictures you have seen (the arsehole one…) are tied into this dream I suspect."

ZOMG! Because Carpetblog is nothing if not service-y, we're offering some ideas for amusements that we think are consistent with the "Happiest Place on Earth" brand yet, at the same time, take advantage of the rich cultural offerings of "the Oasis Between Iran and Chechnya."

We've already weighed in on some potential events should Azerbaijan be selected to host the 2016 Olympics. Here are some Carpetblog-approved attractions for Disneyland-Baku, offered free of charge.

"It's a Small World": The Boat Bar was an abandoned Soviet-era passenger ferry rusting at a pier next to the boulevard. It was, by far, the best bar in the Greater Caspian Region. Re-hire the whores, water down the liquor, genetically enhance the bed bugs, fill it with pointy-toe shoed thugs and crank the Tatu up to 11! I will personally contribute my bottle of "Za Karabagh!" jubilee vodka for the rechristening.

"Autopia": The best part about MAC Carting was that no matter what time of night (or morning) and in what state of intoxication you arrived, you could drive go-carts as fast as they would go and issue daring challenges to your contemporaries. This is a no-brainer.

"Mad Tea Party" A group of drunk women crash the all-male chaikhana on Malakansky Sad.  Watch the sunflower seeds fly!

"Kleptocrats of the Caspian:" Guys in shiny pin stripe suits randomly approach guests and demand $80 in exchange for a stamp on their ticket stub.

"Frontierland Shootin' Exposition:" Recreates the scene on the Iranian border when the US invades.

"Astro Blasters:" Entry free of charge with purchase of two half-cooked lula kebabs and six Xirdalan beers. It's a squatter!

Carpetblog 100% supports this idea, but there's really no need to build an island. So many of these attractions already exist in Baku that the capital investment should be pretty minimal.

 

 

 

Azerbaijan Death Star

Seriously, I was trying to ignore this ridiculous hotel proposal for Baku, but it turns out I can't. The Azeris are challenging the Gulf Arabs for the "More Money Than Taste" Award.

It looks like a giant asshole to me, which is screamingly appropriate.

Why Learning Turkish is So Very Important

 

Because if you ever find yourself at Miniaturk, the most ridiculous theme park ever, you might pay 10 YTL to enter, instead of BEŞ (5 YTL ) or ÜÇ (3 YTL, if you're a student) or IKI (2 YTL if you're on a school tour).

When I woke up this morning, I had no idea I would spend a cold, sunny Sunday afternoon next to the Halic, strolling among miniature replicas of Turkey's major tourist attractions. But that is how I roll.

Having seen this lifelike model of Nemrut Dağ, I don't feel like I need to travel to eastern Turkey to see it in person now. It's that good!

There were also replicas of things that are not, strictly speaking, "tourist" attractions such as a mall, an Opet gas station, Ataturk airport, the Olympic stadium nor things that are, strictly speaking, Turkish, (the al-Aksa mosque and the bridge at Mostar). Seriously, can you see too many Opet stations?

But I kid. Miniaturk would have been totally worth it, even at 10 YTL, if only for the replica of Ataturk airport.

Great News, America! Russian NGOs Are On The Way!

Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty reports today that Russia is going to send NGOs to America to work on different issues.

In one of his few explicit references to the United States in his November 28 speech, President Putin suggested that unnamed Russian nongovernmental organizations (NGOs) should "be able to work in...the United States and other countries in an environment as comfortable as that which we provide for their counterparts working in Russia," kremlin.ru reported.

"Vremya novostei" pointed out on November 29 that Putin is simply reviving an old Soviet propaganda technique by claiming that his country can help protect human rights abroad...The paper pointed out some specific cases that became the objects of Soviet propaganda campaigns, like the one in the early 1970s involving Angela Davis, a U.S. civil rights activist and communist organizer. The daily suggested that "the only thing [the Kremlin] needs to do now is find a contemporary Angela Davis." 

A contemporary Angela Davis? Oh please. Everyone knows that communism, like a television from the Bolshevik factory in Kharkov, is a product no one's buying. Oh, Russia, bear rising in the east! Export your strengths!

A noted expert on NGOs, Carpetblogger is offering some suggested areas where Russia could contribute meaningfully to US political, cultural and social development.  Gratis!

• Restaurant Design and Management: The problem with American restaurants is too often, they are focused on food and not on creating a luxe environment that enhances their diners' prestige. And American waitstaff give good service in exchange for tips. They need to be shown they are working too way too hard .
• Election Stealing: Democrats fucked up royally in the last two elections by doing a worse job stealing elections than Republicans. Since my own return to the US to open an election-stealing consulting firm has been delayed, I will consider personally giving grants to qualified Russian NGOs who will help Democrats more effectively steal the Presidential election. I'll be just like George Soros! Only without all the money.
• Devushka Lessons: Let's admit it. American women dress like men. Devuska School is an idea whose time has come. "Bitchology," seduction, walking in heels and strip teases are truly lost arts in America. We bow down to the devushkas' stiletto-clad feet. We are not worthy.
• Conspicuous Consumption: Too many Americans act ashamed of their wealth, like it's something to be hidden or wasted in investments.  They do not know the meaning of the word "elitny," the governing principle of oligarch social life. Americans continually fail to use their cars, dachas, mobile phones and wives to communicate their status in society. What do Americans know about selecting and equipping personal security staff? Decorating a dacha? Matching track suits to dress shoes? Nothing, I tell you. I think it's a huge mistake to cede any ground to Gulf Arabs on this one.

And to think I give this sort of advice away. Putie-Poot! Call me!

The Grant Giver's Challenge

Back in the day, when I ran an NGO in a country that will remain nameless, people came to me all the time to ask me to give them money to help them implement their ideas.

It was my job to sort through these proposals, looking for a few kernels of wheat amid bushels of chaff.

Most of the ideas were impractical, poorly thought out, pointless or a combination thereof. The appellants themselves were usually corrupt, sometimes earnest but more often incompetent and almost always incapable of doing the job they proposed to do. I often said to myself in these meetings "how stupid do they think I am?" Actually, sometimes I said that aloud. (Though in fairness, when you see some of the stupid ideas that do get funded, you can't blame people for asking).

As I read the news this morning, I thought of guys who give money to terrorists to help them carry out their ideas.

One law enforcement official played down Mr. Defreitas’s ability to carry out an attack, calling him “a sad sack” and “not a Grade A terrorist....”

But the official said that Mr. Defreitas’s efforts to enlist Jamaat al-Muslimeen’s aid could have had devastating consequences.

“They didn’t have the money and they didn’t have the bombs,” the official said of the suspects, “but if we let it go it could have gotten there; they could have gotten the J.A.M. fully involved, and we wouldn’t know where it could have gone.”

Anyone who controls the purse strings of a grant-giving organization can identify a "sad sack," whether he's planning a terror attack on JFK airport or a creating an election monitoring organization. Does the leader of J.A.M., Hezbollah or LeT or even OBL himself have to deal with the same problems? If I ever met someone from a terrorist funding organization, I think I would ask this question. 

The Istanbul Cliche Trifecta Has Been Hit!

The winner is: Bon Appetit! They don't even put the whole article about Turkish recipes online, yet they've managed to get all their delectable cliched goodness in the online teaser. Difficulty: 10! 

Let's take a look:

Turkish Delight: You don't actually have to be able to find Turkey on a map to smack this one down.

East meets west: Ah, yes. I've heard there's a bridge between Europe and Asia. Hmm. How can I say that a different way? 

Ancient meets modern: Someone read some tourist brochures!

This Just In!

From Carpetblog's Bekaa Valley correspondent:

Where is the Outrage?

So what if GWB used the word  "shit" when speaking to Tony Blair in St. Petersberg in front of a switched-on microphone?

That slack-jawed, mouth-full-of-food-talking rube misused the work "irony."

Why I Support American Cultural Hegemony

You fucking Europeans have to knock this shit off.