Carpetblogger

Hey, Unaccompanied Lady -- That's Carpetblog Territory!

Someone is moving in on our territory!

The Unaccompanied Lady tells you what to wear.

 

Pocari Sweat! It's a Thing

If you've ever flown a Gulf airline  -- Etihad or Emirates, in our experience -- you might have seen a loop of ads for "Pocari Sweat" a Japanese sports drink, done in that semi-ironic Tawainese-style animation that's becoming so popular.

You, like us, might have concluded "Those crazy Japanese are fucking with the Arabs! POCARI SWEAT can't possibly be a thing. Unless it's harvested from teenage girls and sold in vending machines in the Tokyo subway. That could be a thing. Gulf Arabs would eat that shit right up."

Well, it may be harvested from teenaged girls, sold in Tokyo subway vending machines and marketed to Gulf Arabs, but it's also sold in the Delta Dewata in Ubud, Bali, Indonesia. The label, which is written in that super square font with too much space between each letter often seen on cheap Chinese plastic products, describes it as an "ion supply drink."

Knowing that you'd want to know, we tasted it. It reminds of that stuff we had to drink after lying on the bathroom floor for two days in Bukhara. Who wouldn't want to remember that? Or drink something called sweat? This product has a lot of potential.

The Unaccompanied Lady Wastes Time in Islamabad

People like to ask the Unaccompanied Lady, "what do you do with your unaccompanied self when you're in Islamabad for two weeks?" Since the answer "fuck-all" rarely satisfies anyone, and the Unaccompanied Lady cannot spend all her non-working hours in sitting in the guesthouse under the AC, we have come up with a few suggestions for time-wasting in a city where there is very little to actually "do."

Shalwar shopping: As you know, to avoid drawing attention to herself or being mistaken for a frumpy missionary, the Unaccompanied Lady "goes native" in Pakistan. Shalwar shopping in Islamabad is fun because the shops are staffed by men yet women are the only customers. Ladies freely give the shop guys the what-for, treating them with the haughty disdain they deserve. Feel extra sloppy as groups of young Pakistani women, draped in the kind colorful, cute shalwar that you can never find, glide in and out of the shops like pretty birds, never dropping their dupatta (the long scarfy thing that covers your shoulders) in the dust or tripping over it. Perhaps next time you can ask them to show you how they wear such an annoying, yet potentially attractive, garment with style and dignity.

The Unaccompanied Lady recommends: the cheap and cheerful shalwar shops in Jinnah Market, near Pizza Hut.

Mango Eating: The Unaccompanied Lady can only handle so much Pakistani BBQ before she breaks out in the greasy ghee meat sweats. Besides Islamic extremists, Pakistan excels most in the production of mangoes. Lucky for us it's June, which means it's the season. Can an Unaccompanied Lady survive on mangoes, and their slimy, but equally delicious little friends, lychees, for two weeks? Stay tuned.

The Unaccompanied Lady recommends getting your mangoes from any old vendor, but get the biggest ones. They're the best.

Food Shopping: Islamabad's small supermarkets serve as another reminder that the globalization of cuisine has completely passed Turkey by. You can buy every imaginable American junk food (pop tarts! doritos! cake mix -- though even we don't buy that shit any more after reading this), sauce, canned good or spice mix, at reasonable prices. Not only that, there must be Chinese and other Asian people in Islamabad (those Chinese are everywhere these days!) because there are things Chinese and other Asian people like to eat: lime leaves, lemon grass, fish sauce, wasabi, seaweed and miso soup mix, none of which are available in Istanbul, a city approximately 14 times the size of Islamabad. We are no longer embarrassed to say, "yes, we import food from Islamabad to Istanbul."

The Unaccompanied Lady recommends the shops in Khosar Market.

The Nirvana Spa: One of the best parts about working in shitty places is there are very often excellent reasonably-priced spas offering innovative treatments you're unlikely to find anywhere else. The Nirvana spa falls into that category. In fact, it is so awesome that we will go multiple times for all kinds of cheap delights like pedicures, massages and sessions with the "vibrating de-fatting apparatus, which utilizes vibration to soften and break-up excessive fat build-up in specific parts of the body." Waxing is so cheap maybe we'll go Muslim and wax our whole body. It's cheaper and less effort than shaving.

The Unaccompanied Lady recommends the Hot Stone Massage at Nirvana.

Culture: The Unaccompanied Lady typically recommends cultural activities because culture is important. Sadly, we visited the Lak Virsa Ethnological Museum only to find out that, while technically open, it had no electricity. Because Islamabad enjoys an uninterrupted supply of electricity for about 15 minutes a day, we suspect this is not a state affairs that will have improved if we "come back tomorrow," as suggested. As we poked inside the door to see whether a dark ethnological museum might still be worth the $2 entry fee, the guards described the interior as "like midnight." They were not wrong.

The Unaccompanied Lady recommends going shopping instead of to the Lak Virsa Ethnological Musuem.

Carpet College: There is a wealth of knowledge idly sitting around, waiting for customers in the Jinnah and Super Markets, wasting time, just like you. What are you waiting for? Go bug them! Make them unfold and refold 172 carpets in 105 degree heat! They like it!

The Unaccompanied Lady spends hours talking to Pashtun carpet dealers (most of them are Afghans) about everything related to carpets. They are not predatory jerks like in Istanbul's Grand Bazaar and some of them actually know what they're talking about. Drink tea and talk about patterns, geopolitics, sheep breeds, Pashtun tribes, cotton prices and trade transit routes until the generators kick in and it's time for Unaccompanied Ladies to go home. Have them show you their most expensive pieces and, after you have a heart attack because they are so beautiful and you can't afford them, make the guy tell you why that one is more expensive than this one. Feel your mind get larger and your understanding of the world broader by earning a Masters in Warp and Weft at Carpet College.*

The Unaccompanied Lady recommends Niqash Carpet, near Mr. Books in Super Market, and Herat Shop in Jinnah Market.

 *The Carpetblog Carpetbuying Manifesto is coming. It's not ripe yet. Please stand by.

 

Do you like Twitter? Do you like Carpetblog?

Then go right ahead and follow @Carpetblogger1 on Twitter. You may think you're already following us on Twitter, and you may be. For strategic reasons, we've decided to divorce our personal twitter feed (@cequirk) from Carpetblog, so as to not dilute the trusted and highly profitable Carpetblog brand. Social media is so confusing!

Trust that we're not going to fill up your feed with what we had for lunch, or sports, or whatever. There will be the bitchiness, devushkas and shiny suits, Istanbul Cliche-Watch and weird things from Turkey and the FSU that you've come to depend on @carpetblogger1 (don't forget the "1," ok? Some juicebox is squatting). Follow @cequirk for geeky stuff about Pakistan, US politics, Turkey politics, Islamism and cheap pollster trash talk. We know you can't get enough of that.

Go ahead, follow both. Or neither. We don't care what you do.

 

Ask Carpetblogger: How do I Buy a Carpet in Istanbul?

Short answer: Don't.*

*Obviously, this advice is targeted at the casual carpetbuyer. Of course, if you know something about carpets and you are wealthy, you know where to go.  There are plenty of reputable dealers in Istanbul who carry lovely and very expensive antique and new pieces. We're talking to people who visit Istanbul, who are not rich, don't know much about carpets and want a nice souvenir of their visit.

Go ahead, keep whining.

I want to buy a carpet when I visit Istanbul and don't want to get ripped off. Help meeeee.

Sigh.

OK, do it if you must, but there are some things to keep in mind.

You need to know what you're not buying. Very, very little that you will see in the Eighth Circle of Hell (known locally as the Grand Bazaar) is actually made in Turkey (the same goes for practically everything else in the GB). Labor is simply too expensive here to mass produce cheap carpets and kilims, so most of them come from Pakistan (nearly all cheap carpets are Baloch), Iran and, it may surprise you, China.

A dealer in Islamabad recently explained this China angle to us and a Turkish kilim designer confirmed it.  The only thing Turkish about those carpets are the design. The wool comes from New Zealand or Australia and the dyes are probably some combination of melamine and spit. Apparently they are made in huge factories on looms lined up side-by-side with a foreman who calls out rhythmic weaving instructions, like the master on a slave ship (that is the analogy he used!). We would like to go to China to see this.

Mossmaniac and Carpetblogger spent the better part of the last two days in the Grand Bazaar (Carpet College!), in the belly of the beast as it were, trying to understand where all this crap comes from and how to identify it. We were lucky to find a dealer who was so clueless about his own stock and our poorly concealed mocking of it to not notice we were only looking at it so we could understand the nature of the odd colors and strange patterns that don't typically appear in Anatolian weaving and scritchy textures that feel like astroturf. China!

The rest of his stuff was cheap crap that's produced by the ton in Pakistan, with which we have more than a passing familiarity. That information had to be drug out of him. This experience discouraged us and made us hate the Grand Bazaar more than usual. Ask if the carpet you like is made in Pakistan or China or Iran. If you like it, you shoudn't care. But!

How can I tell if a carpetseller is lying? His lips are moving.

Do you have a dealer in Istanbul you recomnend? No.* Contrary to everything written above, it is possible to find older genuinely Turkish carpets or kilims in the greater Grand Bazaar area, if that's your bag. We suggest finding an older guy sitting in his shop drinking tea (most young touts have no idea what they're selling) and ask him to show you "something special." He'll take you into a back room, or open up a cupboard and you will feel like you found the Holy Grail. Your heart will beat faster, and you will feel faint. You will feel that the last six hours of hazing -- of listening to some maganda tell you that if the fringe is braided, it means a virigin wove the carpet and that cremesicle orange is a natural dye --  were simply the price of admission to carpet heaven. You will believe again in the zen of harmonious colors, tribal patterns and handspun wool.

Then the guy tells you that beautiful 70 year old yahyali is $6000 and you will laugh. You will say, "I heart Pakistan."

*But a Carpetblog recommendation be bought. Have you met us?

This is why Carpetblogger does not carpetshop in Istanbul. Cheap carpets are crappy and nice carpets are stupid expensive. We prefer to buy both in Islamabad these days.

"But Carpetblogger!" you plea, "I want to buy a carpet in Istanbul, not Islamabad." Ok, fine. What do we know about you and your taste? Don't listen to us. Do it. Buy something you like that reminds you of your nice visit here and makes you happy when you look at it on your bedroom floor. Don't believe one word you're told about its origin or quality, unless you're told "it was made by a Chinese slave in Guangzhou using spit and melamine dye," because that would be awesome and probably true. Don't pay a lot of money for it and bargain like, uh, a person who doesn't like to be ripped off by skeezy carpetdealers in the Grand Bazaar (you probably won't get better than 20% off, though). Be happy with your new carpetfriend and don't worry that you got ripped off because you totally did.

Coming soon! The Metaphysics of Textile Purchases: A Carpetblog Manifesto.

 

Seven Reasons Why Rwanda Is Awesome and One Reason It is Not

1. It's green. Is there anything greener on earth than a tea plantation, a banana tree or a rice paddy? Rwanda has them all. They grow in red earth. The effect is harmonious.

2. Plastic bags are banned. There is, literally, no trash. Anywhere.

3. It should be a basket case. It is not.

4. Hello, milky way, old friend. It's been so long.

5. The Nyungwe Forest, and its splendid lodge. Tucked in down near where DRC, Burundi and Rwanda meet, Nyungwe forest is the largest tract of sub-equitorial rainforest left in Africa. The Nyungwe lodge sits in the middle of tea plantation overlooking the forest. Its website sells it short.

6. Mangos.

7. Avacados

 

REASONS WHY RWANDA IS NOT AWESOME

Tree rats. Everywhere.

 
 
 

Carpetblogger's Line of Lifestyle Products Inspired by "Istanbul Streets"

MoMA, you might have heard, is selling a line of "lifestyle design" products called "Destination: Istanbul" that have been inspired by Istanbul's streets. That Carpetblogger was not asked to contribute to the project seems like an oversight, but not having been asked for our input on something has never stopped us from providing it.

Here are some different lifestyle products, broadly defined, inspired by our own experiences on Istanbul's streets.

Concrete Box Incubator: Walk down any Istanbul street and you will conclude, as we have, that Turks are artists in the medium of concrete (holy crap, we worry we're mixing up concrete and cement somehow and our ancestor is going to post a harshly worded rebuke). If they're not creating concrete boxes, they are using drills to force the concrete to comply with their artistic vision or jackhammers to destroy them, in place of which will grow another concrete box. Kit includes concrete, drills and jackhammers, so you can grow your own box, drill some holes in it, then destroy it and create a new one. Which, you know, circle of life.

Cat Pee Diffuser: Bring the summertime aroma of Istanbul's street into your home with our unique cat pee diffuser. Comes in concrete only, cat pee not included.

Anne Amplifier: Every Turkish male loves his mother so very, very much. In fact, the Turkish male child playing in the sokak frequently demands the attention of his mother five stories above by shrieking "ann-EEEEE," rather than, you know, ringing the bell (indeed, we have heard adult males call to their mothers from the street using the same shriek, perfected as a five year old). This Anne Amplifier captures the aural essence of the Call/Response of the Palaska Sokak Cow Kız and her inbred offspring, Rufat: "ann-EEEEE" "RUUUUU-faaat!"

Front Door Electrifier: Maybe eau de cat pee isn't your bag and you become annoyed when it follows you in from the Istanbul Street every time you open your metal front door, which has been used as target practice by every tom in the neighborhood. This unique product combines the conductive powers of liquid and steel into a practical and entertaining cat repellent.

Maganda Hat Pin: This product may already exist, actually. It's the perfect accessory for the Unaccompanied Lady who finds herself forced to walk on Istiklal.  Feel the unsolicited yet familiar grope aimed at your private parts? Fight back against Magandas with a quick stick with your hat pin. Who cares if you get the wrong guy? He probably deserved it for something else.

These are all limited edition products -- çok elitny -- so place your orders soon. They all receive the Carpetblog seal of approval.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Carpetblog's Top Five Favorite Media Spectacles, Ever

We are easily distracted by shiny things. And hats. And shoes. The presence of all these things in one media event is enough to throw off our schedule for days.  We are not ashamed of this!

Anyway, here are our Top Five Favorite Media Spectacles, Ever. We remember these as much for where we were and with whom we shared bitchy commentary as what actually happened.

1. First OJ Simpson Trial, Los Angeles, 1995. The sine qua non of media events, never to be surpassed. Carpetblogger Trivia: Did you know we were called to be a juror in the second, civil trial? Surprisingly, we were not selected even though we were extremely well-informed about the case. Where is Marcia Clark these days, anyway?

2. Royal Wedding, Istanbul, April, 2011. Nenand's rant about the National Primate of England wearing a Day's Inn bedspread and failing to pluck will be preserved in our skype history forever. And shut up, haters. This is why we love royal weddings.

3. Election Night 2008, Istanbul. Never have we been so happy to lose $300.

4. OJ Low Speed Chase, June, 1994 in a Red Roof Inn in Hartford, CT. Got our catty on with James Grant Goldin using a landline while watching a television.

5. Dramatic Reading of The Starr Report, September 11, 1998 (Whoa. Did you know that?) Portland, OR. Pushing the bounds of office decorum since the mid-90's.

God, we loved the '90s. And to think we didn't even have blogs or skype or twitter in those days. Can we have them back, please?

 

 

Ask Carpetblogger: How Is the Istanbul Film Festival?

Our general approach to film festivals is "just because it's foreign/indy doesn't mean it's good," which means that, while we occasionally miss a gem, we don't have to sit through a lot of poorly structured crap. Our sources report many Istanbul Film Festival screenings have fallen into that category. Our time is too valuable for that.

However, the Festival presented us with the rare opportunity to see the classic Holocaust documentary Shoah for the first time. It seemed a mistake to pass it up. Astute readers know that Shoah is 9 1/2 hours long and astute-r readers know Carpetblogger has a YouTube attention span. We were relieved to see that, according to the festival program, the screening was only two hours long.

The existence of a Shoah highlight reel raised some important questions though. How, exactly, was that going to work? Did they let the Turks edit it to remove all references to Jews or genocide?

Clearly, Festival management missed the memo that Shoah is 9 1/2-hours long and they should carefully consider the best time to schedule it so people can watch it. When we arrived at the theater for the 930pm showing, hand-printed signs informed us that last night's showing would include the first 300 minutes (here's the math for you -- five hours) and the rest would be shown the next day.

Yah right.

Of course, Shoah is worth seeing -- it's a documentary in the strictest sense of the word. And  Director Claude Lanzmann's point that "just because you can't see any evidence that a genocide took place doesn't mean it didn't, especially since a great deal of effort is usually made to cover it up" must have been an interesting insight for other people in the audience.

Also, Shoah came out in 1986 and this year is its 25th anniversary. This made us realize that we graduated from high school 25 years ago and we are old. This was probably not what we ought to have taken away from a screening of Shoah, but we didn't watch the whole thing.

Ask Carpetblogger: How Does an Unaccompanied Lady Survive Islamabad?

This is an excellent question, Unaccompanied Lady! You came to the right place. Pakistan is a hostile environment for the Unaccompanied Lady, no question. But with the correct training, you can exploit your natural advantages to navigate chaotic places with a minimum of fuss.

"But Carpetblogger," you ask. "How do I know if I am an Unaccompanied Lady?"

Is the watchful eye of your husband, father, brother or son keeping tabs on your honor while you travel? If not, then, Lady, you are Unaccompanied.

Most of these techniques are applicable to all ladies, particularly white ones, but if boys want to implement them, we'd love to hear how it goes.

ARRIVAL AT ISLAMABAD AIRPORT

Islamabad is as Dry as Gorman, Texas: You bought a bottle at your transit airport duty free, right? You can't obtain booze without substantial effort in Islamabad, and by effort we mean "having 'alcoholic' stamped in your passport by the government," which is what they actually do to allow you to buy locally brewed firewater at certain stores. As awesome as that would be, it's a fuckload of effort.

Be strong if you encounter resistance, as we did in Abu Dhabi.

"You know you can't take that into Pakistan," smirked Ahmet the expat Pakistani duty free cashier, referring to our bottle of red wine.

"You let us worry about that, grasshopper."

Put the wine in your purse, which everyone knows is a lady's inviolate sanctuary.

No one checks. If they do, employ terror (see below).

The Unaccompanied Ladies' Line: Use Islam's retrograde attitudes toward women to your advantage. The Unaccompanied Ladies' line is your new best friend. It is always shorter and faster. Most importantly, slack-jawed village idiots who stare hungrily at your exposed ankles are not allowed to stand in it. Fortunately, many places in which you don't want to spend any time have them, such as passport control and security checks at the Islamabad airport.   

Skip Islamabad Duty Free: We swear on a stack of Korans there is nothing in there but five pound cans of Tang. At least in Jeddah, there were electronic haddith organizers next to the Tang. WTF is up with Tang? Carpetblog will run our first-ever guest post by whomever can explain this to our satisfaction.

Step into the Bubble. An Unaccompanied Lady only has to exit the Islamabad airport at 330 am once to conclude that someone's failure to arrange for a driver holding a sign with her name is a capital offense. Entering that writhing mass of bearded, henna'ed male humanity alone in the middle of the night is intimidating no matter how many times you've done it. Step into the bubble -- make no eye contact with anyone as you scan the crowd for your sign. Engage in no conversation that you did not initiate. Get out to the parking lot and into the car, fast.

IN ISLAMABAD

Wardrobe: We are huge advocates of shalwar kameez. Dressing conservatively is mandatory for all ladies and we have found that shalwar fit better and are more attractive than just wearing frumpily conservative western-clothes. Do you want to look like a missionary from Abilene or a dirty hippie? We sure don't. And listen up white girl, you're never going to blend in or be mistaken for a local but since nearly all Pakistani women wear them, you're going to stand out a whole lot less with one on. Unaccompanied Ladies like not standing out. Also, shalwar don't have to be dry cleaned and local washers are familiar with them. Go to Jinnah Market and buy a bunch. They're cheap and come in a million colors and styles.

This advice does not apply to boys. White boys in shalwar look like douchebags.

Carpets: Buy them. It is our opinion that Islamabad is currently the best place to carpetshop in the world.  Go ahead and argue, but you're wrong. We're working on carpetshopping manifesto based on our recent experiences, which have been rewarding.

DEPARTURE FROM ISLAMABAD

Employ Terror: The Unaccompanied (white) Lady is a force of nature that frightens Pakistani men, especially when she's wearing a shalwar. When challenged, behave unpredictably. Be obedient and submissive, yet at the same time subversive. Pakistani men are stunned into submission when an Unaccompanied white Lady (whom they know are total sluts) insists on being treated like a Pakistani lady (with whom they must not engage). Does not compute! You'll almost always get your way, mostly because your challenger has no idea what to do with you.

Luggage Searches: The Unaccompanied Lady most certainly does not want some random airport security guy pawing through her bags. Loudly demand a female searcher. Terrified, more often than not they'll wave you through rather than go find one. (See: Employ Terror)

Business Class Line: Go to the business class line, even if you have a cheap economy ticket. This approach may be dicey if you're on the snooty Gulf airlines that specialize in separating the riffraff from the Elitny, but it's an infallible strategy on PIA. They will not turn you, Unaccompanied Lady, away, thus sparing you the heartache of waiting in the same heaving "line" as passengers headed home to Kandahar.

Exploit Typical Transportation Norms: As a frequent PIA* flier, one of our long term goals has always been to turn our Unaccompanied Lady status into an business class upgrade by loudly and flamboyantly refusing to sit next to a strange male (see: Employ Terror). This requires a substantial dignity downgrade, but an upgrade, especially on PIA, is worth it. If an Unaccompanied Lady attempts this with success, please report back.

*An Unaccompanied Lady might pause and take a few minutes to re-evaluate key life choices, should she find herself in possession of a PIA ("Please Inform Allah") frequent flier card, but that's a topic for a different post.

Go Straight to the VIP Lounge: As you ascend the escalator, jump over the hajiis who, having left their Punjabi village for the first time to go to Mecca, are splayed in a heap at the top of the escalator. The light from lounge's open door will cut through the waiting area's haze of cigarette smoke and visible body odor like a beacon. No need to employ terror to enter, just pay the $10 like a normal person. This is the best $10 you have ever spent. The lounge is filthy, and dry, but since the airport provides no gate information or departure announcements, having someone tell you your flight is about to leave is worth the investment.

"Find and, if necessary, pay to enter the VIP Lounge" is sound advice for everyone who travels through a hub that hosts lots of hajiis or transiting guestworkers (i.e. the Gulf). Many of these folks have left their rural villages for the first time and are not up to speed on the mechanics of escalators, the protocols governing the use of indoor plumbing or what x-ray machines are for. Next time you see a Nepali guy standing on a toilet seat in the Qatar Airport ladies' room, you'll wish you'd listened.

Unaccompanied Ladies, move to the front of the line! If violating un- or loosely enforced rules presents an opportunity to maximize your personal comfort, behave like every Pakistani ever born and seize it. If you hold an advantage in class or status (i.e., you're white, and don't you for one minute pretend that isn't one) drive it like you stole it. If you're at a disadvantage (i.e. you have a vagina), own it.

Unaccompanied Ladies' lines are brilliant and receive the Carpetblog Stamp of Approval. We endorse their creation everywhere in the world.