Carpetblogger

Beach Cossacks Versus Banana Hammocks

It's little known fact but the Russians invaded Turkey long before they set their sights on Georgia. Antayla, which sits on the Mediterranean Coast and used to be not awful, receives planeloads of vomit-splattered yobs from Rostov every day. Any devushka worth her boob job knows that Antalya is waaaay better than Batumi, with the added benefit of plenty of oversexed Turkish men (hey girls! It's not whoring if you give it away!).

The Turks have been falling over themselves to serve this new demographic, which demands high prices and the same level of quality and service they've come to expect back home in Smolensk. They've even built a resort replica of the Kremlin and St. Basil's so Russians feel at home. I've heard that a Russian developer is building a seven star hotel which, to you and me, is a five star with an addition error. In fact, I've been thinking of a creating reality TV show, based in Antalya and starring Russians called "When White Trash Wins The Lottery."

The Turkish papers lately have been feeding the fires started by an article in the German daily Bild. Germans, who once were only challenged by the British for the gold medal in holiday obnoxiousness, are facing a full scale attack by the -- wait for it -- Beach Cossacks!

Calling Russian holidaymakers “worse than the English,” Bild said the “annoying hordes” of “beach Cossacks” were “occupying our vacation paradises” such as Turkey’s seaside town Antalya.

Bild pointed to the increasing wealth of Russian tourists and their willingness to throw around cash to make up for their supposedly bad behavior as the reason why resorts traditionally catering to Germans are going Russian. “They spend on average eight times more than Germans,” the paper said...

"Watch out! They push you out of the way (at the buffet) ... stuff their plates full, stink of alcohol at 8 o'clock in the morning and don't know how to behave," the paper cites Ulrike and Toni from Freiberg as saying.

In fairness to the Russians, the paper tactfully neglected to mention lobster-red Ulrike's poorly supported genitalia and Toni's muffin top and fingers greasy from clawing into the schnitzel büfet.

It's sort of not even a fair fight. The Russians may have been excluded from the international holiday obnoxiousness competitions for a few decades, but they've really made up for lost time by mixing vodka, oil money, a bearish inferiority complex and a penchant for bad plastic surgery. I can't think of a stronger challenger on the scene!

Beach Cossacks may be the best descriptive term ever invented and I am going to use it forever. There's a long and treasured history in Turkey for polite nicknames like this one too. For many years, the Turks referred to Kurds, whom everyone knows don't exist, as "Mountain Turks."  Unkind people who don't appreciate Azerbaijan have referred to Azeris as "Cracker Turks." Maybe the Turks and the Azeris can start referring to Armenians as "Mountain Azeris." We've renamed the Chiplomat's all girl rock band the "Mountain Yanbancis" (which is not to be confused with another local all-foreigner band called "Pis Yabanci," or "Dirty Foreigner")

Great News, America! Russian NGOs Are On The Way!

Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty reports today that Russia is going to send NGOs to America to work on different issues.

In one of his few explicit references to the United States in his November 28 speech, President Putin suggested that unnamed Russian nongovernmental organizations (NGOs) should "be able to work in...the United States and other countries in an environment as comfortable as that which we provide for their counterparts working in Russia," kremlin.ru reported.

"Vremya novostei" pointed out on November 29 that Putin is simply reviving an old Soviet propaganda technique by claiming that his country can help protect human rights abroad...The paper pointed out some specific cases that became the objects of Soviet propaganda campaigns, like the one in the early 1970s involving Angela Davis, a U.S. civil rights activist and communist organizer. The daily suggested that "the only thing [the Kremlin] needs to do now is find a contemporary Angela Davis." 

A contemporary Angela Davis? Oh please. Everyone knows that communism, like a television from the Bolshevik factory in Kharkov, is a product no one's buying. Oh, Russia, bear rising in the east! Export your strengths!

A noted expert on NGOs, Carpetblogger is offering some suggested areas where Russia could contribute meaningfully to US political, cultural and social development.  Gratis!

• Restaurant Design and Management: The problem with American restaurants is too often, they are focused on food and not on creating a luxe environment that enhances their diners' prestige. And American waitstaff give good service in exchange for tips. They need to be shown they are working too way too hard .
• Election Stealing: Democrats fucked up royally in the last two elections by doing a worse job stealing elections than Republicans. Since my own return to the US to open an election-stealing consulting firm has been delayed, I will consider personally giving grants to qualified Russian NGOs who will help Democrats more effectively steal the Presidential election. I'll be just like George Soros! Only without all the money.
• Devushka Lessons: Let's admit it. American women dress like men. Devuska School is an idea whose time has come. "Bitchology," seduction, walking in heels and strip teases are truly lost arts in America. We bow down to the devushkas' stiletto-clad feet. We are not worthy.
• Conspicuous Consumption: Too many Americans act ashamed of their wealth, like it's something to be hidden or wasted in investments.  They do not know the meaning of the word "elitny," the governing principle of oligarch social life. Americans continually fail to use their cars, dachas, mobile phones and wives to communicate their status in society. What do Americans know about selecting and equipping personal security staff? Decorating a dacha? Matching track suits to dress shoes? Nothing, I tell you. I think it's a huge mistake to cede any ground to Gulf Arabs on this one.

And to think I give this sort of advice away. Putie-Poot! Call me!

Test Your Knowledge of Kalmykia

Do you like stories about alien abductions? Obscure Buddhist republics? Chuck Norris? Chess? Gladiators*? What about all these things mixed together?

Check out this BBC documentary about Kalmykia, a Buddhist republic in Southern Russia, done by Simon Ostrovsky, a charter member of the Baku diaspora.

*Sorry. No gladiators.

Mr. Evil Promotes Russian Tourism

Although every day I feel the FSU draining out of my bloodstream (except for those Azerbaijani polymers and the Ukrainian radiation -- that stuff might be a little harder to shuck), I can't stay away from English Russia. It's like watching a different car wreck every single day, from the safety of a distant overpass. Today's photos might be the best ever.

                

       

 

The site's writer reports:

These are works of Russian net-artist Mr.Evil. He often published his own view on different things in Russia, including these ads. A few days ago he was visited by people from Russian police. All his printed works were confiscated and he was told not to leave the city or he would regret a lot. That’s a real story of a real person, happening these days in Russia.

Update: Global Voices reports that the St. Petersburg artist's name is Ivan Ishkov and this whole thing is not a stunt by the artist to create a buzz. The police threatened to shut down his photo business. I'm shocked, SHOCKED that something like this could happen in Russia.

Anyway, if your Russian is rusty, below is a super-hot toilet lady -- most toilets are pay in Russia -- charging tourists more than Russians, according to written policy. How charmingly typical.

            
    

                   

Mr. Evil doesn't just use his talents for the benefit of the motherland. He also likes McDonald's.

                

                         

and IKEA:

               

               

Hey Mr. English Russia-dude, be careful, eh?

 

The Russian Empire in Technocolor

I really dig the photos on English Russia, whose motto is "because something cool happens daily on 1/6th of the earth's surface." I especially dig it now that I get to enjoy all those cool things from a safe distance, rather than living them.

Today's post is exceptional. Russian photographer Sergei Produkin-Gorskii traveled throughout the empire at the beginning of the 20th century shooting a series of monochrome shots through different colored filters, then painstakingly combined the color prints into one shot. He created what is, in effect, the first color photography. The process was flawed because the subjects had to be immobile during several shots and, of course, the light changed. But now, the prints can combined digitally and the results are spectacular. The Library of Congress has an online exhibition, but start here.

He took thousands of photos across the whole Russian empire. Sometimes its so hard to imagine what the people and places in old black and white photographs really looked like. Now you get to see, and the subjects are so incredibly compelling!  I go pretty much mental when I see something like this.

Melon sellers in Azerbaijan and Central Asia today look exactly like this guy, back in 1910. Amazing stuff.

The Murse

The writing and editing in Moscow's eXile can be appallingly bad, but it's comprehensive, witty and I wish we had something like it here. Its Field Guide is a classic.

I especially liked this article devoted to the Murse, the ubiquitous man-bag carried by so many men in Russia and Ukraine. Men's fashion in Russia and Ukraine rarely reveals genitalia so it will never garner the amount of attention women's does. However, in the interest of fairness, it's time to take a look at what the boys wear since I've already devoted so much space to women's fashion.