It's little known fact but the Russians invaded Turkey long before they set their sights on Georgia. Antayla, which sits on the Mediterranean Coast and used to be not awful, receives planeloads of vomit-splattered yobs from Rostov every day. Any devushka worth her boob job knows that Antalya is waaaay better than Batumi, with the added benefit of plenty of oversexed Turkish men (hey girls! It's not whoring if you give it away!).
The Turks have been falling over themselves to serve this new demographic, which demands high prices and the same level of quality and service they've come to expect back home in Smolensk. They've even built a resort replica of the Kremlin and St. Basil's so Russians feel at home. I've heard that a Russian developer is building a seven star hotel which, to you and me, is a five star with an addition error. In fact, I've been thinking of a creating reality TV show, based in Antalya and starring Russians called "When White Trash Wins The Lottery."
The Turkish papers lately have been feeding the fires started by an article in the German daily Bild. Germans, who once were only challenged by the British for the gold medal in holiday obnoxiousness, are facing a full scale attack by the -- wait for it -- Beach Cossacks!
Bild pointed to the increasing wealth of Russian tourists and their willingness to throw around cash to make up for their supposedly bad behavior as the reason why resorts traditionally catering to Germans are going Russian. “They spend on average eight times more than Germans,” the paper said...
"Watch out! They push you out of the way (at the buffet) ... stuff their plates full, stink of alcohol at 8 o'clock in the morning and don't know how to behave," the paper cites Ulrike and Toni from Freiberg as saying.
In fairness to the Russians, the paper tactfully neglected to mention lobster-red Ulrike's poorly supported genitalia and Toni's muffin top and fingers greasy from clawing into the schnitzel büfet.
It's sort of not even a fair fight. The Russians may have been excluded from the international holiday obnoxiousness competitions for a few decades, but they've really made up for lost time by mixing vodka, oil money, a bearish inferiority complex and a penchant for bad plastic surgery. I can't think of a stronger challenger on the scene!
Beach Cossacks may be the best descriptive term ever invented and I am going to use it forever. There's a long and treasured history in Turkey for polite nicknames like this one too. For many years, the Turks referred to Kurds, whom everyone knows don't exist, as "Mountain Turks." Unkind people who don't appreciate Azerbaijan have referred to Azeris as "Cracker Turks." Maybe the Turks and the Azeris can start referring to Armenians as "Mountain Azeris." We've renamed the Chiplomat's all girl rock band the "Mountain Yanbancis" (which is not to be confused with another local all-foreigner band called "Pis Yabanci," or "Dirty Foreigner")
