Carpetblogger

Airline Passengers as Explained by their Pants: Istanbul Edition

One thousand apologies to McSweeny's for ripping off its post, Airline Passengers as Explained by Their Pants, but it was too America-centric for our taste. As the primary hub serving Crapistan, Istanbul's Ataturk airport (IST) deserves its own list.

Red tracksuit: Will vomit in the aisle.

White hiphuggers with gold pinstripes, matching sport coat, jheri curls: THY 365 to Tripoli is now boarding.

Pleated shiny slacks, with Hugoe Bose label, pointy toed shoes: Will applaud upon touchdown in Erbil.

Cargo pants and a polo shirt with a corporate logo: Checked a stun grenade, two tasers and steroid powder.

Nothing but a white towel: Checked six liters of Zamzam in Jeddah. At carousel, retrieves two litres and two empty plastic jugs. :(

Low rise jeans, muffintop: Fell in love with her waiter, sobs the whole flight back to Manchester.

Dirty white shalwar: Will leave footprints on the toilet seat.

Clean, light blue shalwar: Asks flight attendant which direction is Mecca, does ablutions in the toilet.

Leopard skin capris with rhinestone seams, stiletto heels: Did not pay for her own ticket.

Stonewashed jeans with matching jacket: Passport has “stan” somewhere on the front cover.

Quik-dry travelpants with 7+ zippered pockets, white running shoes: Loved the food, is no longer afraid of Muslims.

Pleather jeans with a camel toe: Checked 75 kilos of red Chinese-made bras.

Baggy cotton trousers, floral: Put a lamb in the overhead bin.

Baggy cotton trousers, striped: Aspriational busker, put a juggling kit in the bin (Thanks to @AJKhn.)

Any we missed? Do add in the comments, or send via twitter @carpetblogger1

 

Caretblog Recommends: Istanbul Eats Walking Tours

Frankly, it's not that hard to obtain the Carpetblog stamp of approval. We're not out to diminish our own brand or anything, but really, with a few exceptions taken on moral grounds, we'll shill for almost all of our friends.

Indeed, we have in the past shilled for Istanbul Eats, not just out of affection for its founders, but because it is the best guide to eating in this city. We use it all the time (IE recs got us to try current faves Datli Maya and Mohti) and recommend it to everyone.

We have also always recommended IE's culinary walking tours, even though we had never taken one, or, until very recently, known anyone who had. That's how important our credibility is.

But after dear friends visiting from San Francisco last month raved about the tour and promptly signed up to do a second one, we thought maybe we had been missing out on something important and fun. In fact, we were more than a little embarassed when walking around town with them, sharing all our greatest insights about the mysteries of the city such as the difference between dana and koyun işkembe, they said, "oh yes, our guide Angelis already told us that."

So when Carpetblog's Kosovo Korrespondent suggested we do a Festivus Day tour, led by that Greek Angelis Nannos who really made us look bad to our guests, we said, "well, ok."

Have you ever visited your friend in Istanbul and noticed that she doesn't really know anything about the city and seems to be making shit up, or takes you to the places closest to her apartment? Well, Angelis isn't like that. He's your cool friend in Istanbul who really does know good places in unlikely neighborhoods and loves to show them to you with great enthusiasm. Who knows? Maybe he can be your new friend in Istanbul. Other people seem to like him.

Would you travel across town for a doner? We sure as hell wouldn't, not before visting a hole-in-the-wall döner place in the back streets Küçükpazar (you don't even know where that is, do you?), where the dönerci marinates real lamb meat in onion juice overnight and alternates layers of meat and vegetables. Do you think a pide is just beyaz peynir and sucuk toasted on some dough? Try adding Black Sea magic village butter to the crust at a place in Fatıh that, to some skepticism, claims to be the first Pideci in Istanbul. Do you think Turkish Delight is gross? Well it is, but you might find some that's at least not made of rubber in the back streets of Eminönü. Have you tried kokoreç? After five years in Istanbul, we finally did and it's not as bad as we expected. That white matter at the tip of the knife in the photo? Suet. Yum.

This is just a long way of saying that Carpetblog stands by our endorsement of Istanbul Eats' Culinary Walking Tours and has forgiven Angelis for making us look dumb to our visitors. Also, we know from reliable sources that IE's Meghan gives excellent tours as well, even though we haven't been on hers.

And, as long as we're sharing love, we haven't shilled for Istanbul Personal Shopper in a long time. Like IE's food tours, Kathy takes visitors to parts of the Grand Bazaar people who have lived here for years don't know about. The best part? Your visitors will love the tour and you won't have to go to the Grand Bazaar. Everyone wins!

If we were in the FSU, we would pull out our stamp and stamp our approval on both.

Carpetblog Guide to Istanbul Cliches

Are you a writer visiting Istanbul for the first time, or the eleventy-millionth? Do you like giving your readers a sense of place that you manufactured after 31 hours on the ground? Do you want to nail the mysteries of a 7000 year old city in a country with 75 million people in 500 words or less? Then this guide is indispensable. Read carefully and chose your cliche wisely. Whatever you do, do not look at this link.

Mini Skirts and Minarets: Istanbul has both! What an amazing contrast! Very little more needs to be said. If you manage to get this alliterative classic in your lede or headline, you are champion. Move to the front of the line.

Bridge Between East and West: Did you know Istanbul straddles two continents, and there are some  bridges? It should be news to everyone who has never looked at a map. This is a powerful metaphor and it cannot be overused. Every article should reinforce it because it absolves you of any further responsibility for explaining why it is important or how it is playing out today, giving you more time for you to try.....

Apple Tea: Did you sip a mixture of delicious hot chemicals while admiring Turkish carpets lovingly handcrafted in Pakistani factories? Tell us more about this Turkish classic that can only be found in Sultanahmet.

Turkey Is Looking East. There may be some people who have missed this critical message, which, by decree of the Ministry of Drop-In Journalism, must appear in every article written since the Gaza Flotilla Incident.

X Incident Will Affect Turkey's EU Accession Hopes in Y Way: Show your sophisticated knowledge of Euroaffairs by viewing every policy or political decision made by Turkey through the prism of its hopes of joining the EU. Of course Turkey's highest aspiration, with an economy that was second only to China's in first quarter expansion (be sure to click through to read some awesomeness in the headline and lede!), should be to help prop up third world economies and political systems like Greece's, Bulgaria's and Romania's.

In your defense, you say, "Carpetblogger! But aren't bridges between continents and minarets and girls in headscarves walking arm in arm with other girls in miniskirts powerful visual images you can see every day in Istanbul that tell us a lot about The Way We Live Now? These are important and should appear on my blog, which is read by tens of people! Why do you have to be so cynical about everything? And anyway, this is what editors want because they are lazy and lack imagination!"

We are, as a matter of policy, favorably disposed to giving those in a position to allocate funds whatever they want, when they want it, no matter how lazy or unimaginative. And, our resistance to common visuals associated with Istanbul may suggest that we have become inured to lovely images that can be compelling to people who don't look at them every single day. We will keep an open mind about this suggestion. The accusation of cynicism stands undisputed.

However, this topic generated some debate at the recent Foundry Photojournalism Workshop we attended. A presentation of a series entitled "Liberal and Conservative in Istanbul," commissioned by a German news magazine and shot by a well-known photojournalist, evoked negative reactions from some who live here for its cliched images and for completely missing the story. Were we the only ones who noticed? Did those who live elsewhere find it more appealing? Was the photographer simply presenting the audience with images that confirmed its preconceptions (it was for the Germans, after all, who have their own ways of thinking about Turkey), at the expense of "reality?" These are all important questions. We don't know the answer!

Send us your favorite examples of Istanbul cliches in articles and photos. If they weren't written or shot by a friend, we'll post them here for critique. Actually, especially if they were written or shot by a friend, we'll post them here for critique.

And! There are lots of photographers and writers covering Turkey whose work we respect because they get past the cliches. We are happy to share those links. But, we can probably get another post out of it and don't give that sort of publicity away for free so it will have to wait.

Beach Cossacks Versus Banana Hammocks

It's little known fact but the Russians invaded Turkey long before they set their sights on Georgia. Antayla, which sits on the Mediterranean Coast and used to be not awful, receives planeloads of vomit-splattered yobs from Rostov every day. Any devushka worth her boob job knows that Antalya is waaaay better than Batumi, with the added benefit of plenty of oversexed Turkish men (hey girls! It's not whoring if you give it away!).

The Turks have been falling over themselves to serve this new demographic, which demands high prices and the same level of quality and service they've come to expect back home in Smolensk. They've even built a resort replica of the Kremlin and St. Basil's so Russians feel at home. I've heard that a Russian developer is building a seven star hotel which, to you and me, is a five star with an addition error. In fact, I've been thinking of a creating reality TV show, based in Antalya and starring Russians called "When White Trash Wins The Lottery."

The Turkish papers lately have been feeding the fires started by an article in the German daily Bild. Germans, who once were only challenged by the British for the gold medal in holiday obnoxiousness, are facing a full scale attack by the -- wait for it -- Beach Cossacks!

Calling Russian holidaymakers “worse than the English,” Bild said the “annoying hordes” of “beach Cossacks” were “occupying our vacation paradises” such as Turkey’s seaside town Antalya.

Bild pointed to the increasing wealth of Russian tourists and their willingness to throw around cash to make up for their supposedly bad behavior as the reason why resorts traditionally catering to Germans are going Russian. “They spend on average eight times more than Germans,” the paper said...

"Watch out! They push you out of the way (at the buffet) ... stuff their plates full, stink of alcohol at 8 o'clock in the morning and don't know how to behave," the paper cites Ulrike and Toni from Freiberg as saying.

In fairness to the Russians, the paper tactfully neglected to mention lobster-red Ulrike's poorly supported genitalia and Toni's muffin top and fingers greasy from clawing into the schnitzel büfet.

It's sort of not even a fair fight. The Russians may have been excluded from the international holiday obnoxiousness competitions for a few decades, but they've really made up for lost time by mixing vodka, oil money, a bearish inferiority complex and a penchant for bad plastic surgery. I can't think of a stronger challenger on the scene!

Beach Cossacks may be the best descriptive term ever invented and I am going to use it forever. There's a long and treasured history in Turkey for polite nicknames like this one too. For many years, the Turks referred to Kurds, whom everyone knows don't exist, as "Mountain Turks."  Unkind people who don't appreciate Azerbaijan have referred to Azeris as "Cracker Turks." Maybe the Turks and the Azeris can start referring to Armenians as "Mountain Azeris." We've renamed the Chiplomat's all girl rock band the "Mountain Yanbancis" (which is not to be confused with another local all-foreigner band called "Pis Yabanci," or "Dirty Foreigner")

Cappadocia in the New York Times

Only the NYT can make Cappadocia sound completely uninteresting. 

Designer hotels but no flat screen televisions. Quelle horreur!