Carpetblogger

Update on THY "Wrong Runway Landing Pilot"

Newsflash!

Thanks to astute, Turkish-reading Short Blonde Neighbor, the "wrong runway landing" pilot has resigned, ostensibly because of withering mockery from this blog. Our Turkish isn't that great but we're pretty sure we're credited in that story.

Also, according to the unimpeachably accurate Trend News, "Reasons of this landing were connected with the pilot's mistake. The evacuated passengers are interested in this case and intend to file a suit to compensate a moral damage."

Carpetblogger is still standing by to negotiate on behalf of the morally damaged Kathmandu Correspondent. We'll aim much, much higher than the five kupati she might otherwise deserve due to pre-existing damage.

As big fans as we are are post-Soviet conspiracy theories, we're not buying rumors that the plane was filled with Ukrainian special forces (CKC says the plane was half full, mostly of Israeli tourists) or the former interior minister, with whom the government wanted to consult. They totally would have used AeroSvit for that mission then promoted the pilot.

Open Letter to Turkish Airlines

 Sayın THY!

We think that flying planes must be a really hard job. There are so many things to keep track of and gauges and dials to watch and procedures to follow. And, to think, you might be expected to do all this with only a few tea breaks on a two-hour flight. Exhausting!

To us, one of the hardest part of flying planes must be knowing where the airport is. You're expected to accurately land your plane on a little strip of tarmac, in between mountains and buildings and other obstacles, sometimes even in the dark, every single time! If only there were some modern technologies available that could tell you the precise coordinates of the Tbilisi airport instead of, just as an example we're going to pull out of our ass,  a military airstrip 20 kms from the Tbilisi airport.

Normally, we might let a "WTF?" incident like this pass unremarked upon, but Carpetblog's Kathmandu Correspondent happened to be on the flight and provided illuminating details. We felt this story needed to be told from the perspective of someone who had her photo taken by uniformed Georgian soldiers with camera phones as she deplaned, 20 kms from her actual destination. "The flight crew refused to believe me when I told them we  weren't actually at the Tbilisi airport and responded, 'of course this is Tbilisi.  We have very professional pilots. How could we not be in Tbilisi?'" She also notes, "when the pilot realized the mistake, he turned the plane around and tried to take off again but was stopped by military vehicles screaming down the runway."  Also? Apparently, there were actual sheep on the runway. You can't pay for illumination like that, can you?

We here at Carpetblog can hardly blame the THY crew. For all they know, all 737 passenger jets landing in Tbilisi are met by tanks. Those Caucasians are unpredictable and hotheaded. And it's super easy to get a pock-marked military runway recently bombed by the Russians mixed up with the runway of the Tbilisi international airport, which was designed and built by Turks.

But, then again, we're just a blogger, not a pilot. No one has ever asked us to land a plane  at the correct airport. If they did, they would have to expect a bit of trial and a lot of error. Fortunately, though, if our current gig as an incisive social commentator doesn't pan out, Turkish Airlines is hiring pilots! We're filling out our application STAT! We know exactly where the Tbilisi airport is, although our skills with the A320 flight panel are, admittedly, a bit rusty.

So, THY, should you be paying attention, Carpetblog's Kathmandu Correspondent is seeking redress. We are here to broker the deal, subject to the usual agency fees (upgrades work!). If you don't believe the impact of a Carpetblog open letter to an airline, google AeroSvit. We hope you get your plane back. Call us!

Hugs,

Carpetblogger

Carpetblogger's Mixed Feelings About Turkish Airlines

We don't care much for plane crashes around here, particularly by airlines on which we are of practically elite status (translation: we enjoy benefits woefully disproportionate to the effort expended to achieve those benefits, such as traveling to Saudi Arabia and Pakistan). We especially don't like them when people die, despite  Captain Sully-esque efforts to prevent greater loss of life.

For us, Turkish Airlines has always been an island of competence in a sea of Turknology. The planes are new and clean, we never have to get to the airport more than 90 minutes before a flight because the lines move quickly, delays are rare, the food and service are acceptable, we can be home 50 minutes after landing, (memo to American air travelers: it doesn't have to be that way!), there are never people vomiting in the aisles and we have never once heard of drunk pilots (memo to FSU air travelers: it doesn't have to be that way!).

Most importantly, the red and white Turkish Airlines logo at an airport in some post-Soviet shithole always communicates an important and reassuring message to us: "You can get out here with a minimum of hassle and likelihood of death or dismemberment."  This inspires a degree of brand loyalty that we don't bestow on many products, particularly airlines. Crashes tend to undermine this perception, however. We're pretty sure that Turkish Airlines didn't take our brand image into consideration when it developed its current marketing campaign "Feel Like a Star" featuring Kevin Costner, since none of the ads' shots are from airports that look like concrete refugee camps.

So to see a Turkish 737 lying in pieces in a muddy Dutch field makes us sad and question whether perhaps our loyalty is misplaced. Alternatively, it also makes us think "at least it didn't happen in Bishkek."

Cool Map!

The map is promoting a new book called Transit Maps of the World. It's a promotional e-card that shows what would happen if you connected all the world's transit systems.

Personally, I'd avoid the dark and light blue lines. It doesn't say it on there, but those are called the "Oligarch" and "Devushka" lines.

Link via Passport.

If Southwest Airlines Had Flights to Kyiv

They would all be flying with empty planes if they started playing fashion police, like they did in San Diego this week.

Would you kick this woman off your dirty 737? We didn't think so

This woman is dressed modestly by Devushka standards. Those are MEN'S shoes, for crying out loud.

If that airline hopes to compete against Aeroflot, AeroSvit or even AeroDon (which btw, given Southwest's service standards, is a pretty fair match in the marketplace), they might want to dump the passenger dress code.

Southwest may not know it yet, but they are totally the official Devushka airline.

Carpetblog suggests: Southwest Airlines! Embrace your inner devushka. Is there that big of a difference between the LAX-LAS and KBP-IST commuter flights? No, there is not. Do a little market research. Don't fight it and stop trying to be something you are not.

World's Worst Airlines

One of the things I hate about articles like this RFE piece about the FSU's terrible airlines is that they only provide good pictures of the planes after they've crashed -- when they're nothing but useless heaps of twisted, burnt metal.

Carpetblog is about nothing if not filling in the gaps in your body of useless knowledge as well as helping you navigate the most culturally sophisticated part of the world. We've already expounded at length about the perils associated with flying in the FSU as well as addressed some common concerns about in-flight etiquette.  We're happy to share our photo-library of Crapistani airlines.

Take a look at this Aerflot-Don Tupolev. Betcha can't wait 'til your next flight to Rostov, can you?

                                  

And while we're on the topic of Tupolevs, here's one from Azal. It's fondly dubbed "Astara," after everyone's favorite skanky border town where Azeris have been known to sell their daughters to Turkish truckers for $10. Better hurry, though. Since Azerbaijan is so close to being a part of Europe, that -- and the chance to ride in a plane in which the doors are tied shut with seatbelts - is probably a limited time offer.

                            
                                                

And don't forget Ukraine's ARP-410 Airlines. I'm pretty sure that's a code share with Delta now, right?  You're looking here at the landing gear compartment (I want to say on an Anatov --domestic pride and all -- but only the good memories fade). Stenciled on the fuselage right behind it were the instructions "strike here with ax in case of emergency." Duly noted.

                                              

And no discussion of shitty airlines would be complete without a quick Ariana Afghan reference, even though it's not, strictly speaking, former Soviet. Close enough though. While this not a Brezhnev-era Soviet-made plane, it is a Brezhnev-era Boeing. The Ariana flight from Kabul skidded off the runway here a few weeks ago and had to be evacuated. The reason? The runway was wet. Don't believe Ariana is that bad? Read this.

 

Finally, I don't see anything wrong with this Dutch Air Force Cargo plane taking off in Kabul. I just like the photo. And in other news, The Netherlands has an Air Force.

Forms of Transportation I'll Not Be Taking Anytime Soon

An Open Letter to AeroSvit, Ukrainian Airlines

Dear AeroSvit, :

It's over between us

I had become quite fond of you over the last year. I liked your no-hassle approach to security (none, pretty much), your cheap fares to Istanbul, your fast check-in and minimal delays. I could always locate your counter in Istanbul's cavernous departure hall by searching for the particular hair color and footware choices of your typical passenger.

I defended you to my friends who thought you were just another shitty BabyFlot full of drunks vomiting in the aisle and applauding wildly at touchdown. You were better than "not that bad." You were "pretty good for this part of the world."

But it's, as they say, all over now.

In most consumer relationships there are a couple of principles that are generally adhered to. Based upon the behavior of your staff on January 7th, some of these principles might have been omitted in the most recent edition of your customer service manual (is written in Russian? It's ok. You can tell me):

• If someone gives you money to enter into an agreement, you uphold it;
• If you cannot, you make amends;
• The response "It's not my problem" does not fit into either category.

When I showed up at Borispil with 200 kgs of dogs and luggage, the correct reaction was not, "Only one dog per flight! That's our policy." 'Cause, really, that only made me mad.

Not only was this a buttfaced lie, I had a reservation in my hand, issued by your downtown ticket office, indicating these dogs were indeed scheduled to be on this flight. You said this was not your problem because those tickets were issued by a ticket office. I'll admit that it was hard for me to respond to that logic.

I lost my temper; about this I had a momentary twinge of regret. I realize that had I behaved suchly in countries where the terrorists have not yet won, I might be writing this from a secret prison in Poland.  Can you blame me for losing my composure when you said I would have to pay to change the tickets that you fucked up? Can you blame me for being angry that I had to spend two more days in your country, for which any remaining goodwill I held was depleted by this incident?

As is usually the case, something else was going on that night. It had nothing to do with how many dogs can fit in the cargo hold of a 737 and everything to do with your management system, which I believe was developed based on the book, "The 7 Principles of Highly Effective Post-Soviet Management: Lying, Cheating and Stealing." What was in that cargo hold anyway?

Your goal was to run down the clock, to wait until 40 minutes before the flight was scheduled to depart so you could shut down the counter without resolving our issue, thus making us someone else's problem. You pretended to be working on it, but admit it. You were updating your glamor shot on UkraineBride.net. And don't go accusing me of not treating you right. I offered you a little sumpin sumpin in honor of the new year.

Should Ukraine continue on a Western, rather than Eastern, trajectory (certainly not a given at this point, given the unabated rise of the banditocracy of late) your airline might one day lose its protected status.  Kyiv's strip clubs will be clogged by British stag parties but they won't be flying in on AeroSvit. Borispil will be swamped by airlines with even worse service than yours, but offering tickets at 1/3rd the price.

I shall not mourn you. You suck.

Hugs,

CB

Least Surprising Story Ever

If you don't believe that an Aeroflot jet from Moscow to Geneva can be diverted to Prague because of a drunk belligerent, check this out. (Interfax via Snowsquare)

"The passenger demanded a change of the route, to Cairo," she said. The passenger's name is Vladimir Dagayev. He was born in 1974, she said. It is premature to say what measures might be taken against the passenger, but, usually, airlines put such people on a blacklist, Danenberg said.

That was the 141st case of irrational behavior by passengers on Aeroflot flights this year, the press secretary said. "I am pleased to say that the number of debauchers on Aeroflot flights is falling every year," primarily because of the company's security policy, she said.

Only 141 incidents of "irrational behavior" this year? That's one almost every other day, AND they probably don't even count those that occur on flights within the former FSU. Every single flight on Aeroflot or one of its retarded offspring I've been on has provided countless examples of behavior that would result in a body cavity search and maybe a tour of Guantanamo in other unnamed countries.   

RFE/RL's interview with the flight crew is even richer.

RFE/RL: Do you know his nationality?

Malinin: He appeared eastern-looking, maybe from the Caucasus, maybe from Ossetia. My personal impression was that he is from Asia or the south...

RFE/RL: What about the other passengers, how did they react?

Malinin: There was no panic, absolutely no panic. Business class passengers, where it all happened, in the area of the first kitchen, helped us.

Malinin: Annoyance [on the part of passengers] is natural here, because people are flying on holiday, but in my opinion, when the passengers were already leaving the plane, there weren't annoyed, nobody had any inadequate reaction or made any unpleasant remarks. This was a formality that everyone understood very well. Of course, there was some regret among the passengers, but everything ended well.

I live in this part of the world in a constant state of annoyance and regret and frequently respond with unpleasant remarks. However, if you voluntarily fly Aeroflot, you're going to have to put up with some "irrational behavior." Lie down with dogs, as it were.

If you find it hard to understand how something like this can happen, you only need to watch this video of what passes for normal around here, courtesy of English Russia.

Ask Carpetblogger! How does one get to Afghanistan?

People who want to visit Kabul via Dubai have an embarrassment of choices: Kam Air, an Afghan/Kazakh joint venture that never runs on time and sometimes crashes; or Ariana Afghan  Airlines which relies on 727s that cannot land in Europe out of concerns about airworthiness, is never on time and sometimes crashes.

Flights in and out of Kabul from Dubai are frequently booked, so I was "lucky" to get tickets on Ariana when I showed up at the airport, cash in hand (the only way to buy tickets) the morning of departure. The flight out of Kabul, I was told, is known as the "happy belly" plane, since its cargo hold is usually filled with opium.

Interestingly, 727's, which started in production in 1963, are often mistaken for two of my other favorite jetliners, the Soviet-made Tupolev 154 and the Yak-42. Spare parts for the 727 are probably just as easy to come by.

Other than loading through the ass-end of the plane, there was little out of the ordinary about the flight itself. It seemed completely safe! Because it was Ramadan, fight attendants passed out food plates preceded by a plastic cup of dates, the traditional food to break the fast. No one started eating, however, until the pilot announced that, according to Iranian time (we were in Iranian airspace), it was ok to break the fast. I couldn't wait to dig in, unable to resist that stringy mutton and greasy rice!

airport entrance

Appropriate to its status as a post-conflict zone, the Kabul airport was pretty ghetto. Due to security concerns, cars are allowed nowhere near the terminal, so baggage get unloaded about a 10 minute walk away, in a dusty, concertina-wire lined parking lot.

Huge photos of Hamid Karzai and Ahmed Shah Massoud, the Lion of the Panjshir, hung from the freshly-painted terminal. It is impossible not to notice that Massoud's photos was 1 1/2 times as big as that of Karzai.

The view from the air was certainly welcome, though no more so than the view of the Arabian Gulf from my Dubai hotel room.