Carpetblogger

Cool Map!

The map is promoting a new book called Transit Maps of the World. It's a promotional e-card that shows what would happen if you connected all the world's transit systems.

Personally, I'd avoid the dark and light blue lines. It doesn't say it on there, but those are called the "Oligarch" and "Devushka" lines.

Link via Passport.

If Southwest Airlines Had Flights to Kyiv

They would all be flying with empty planes if they started playing fashion police, like they did in San Diego this week.

Would you kick this woman off your dirty 737? We didn't think so

This woman is dressed modestly by Devushka standards. Those are MEN'S shoes, for crying out loud.

If that airline hopes to compete against Aeroflot, AeroSvit or even AeroDon (which btw, given Southwest's service standards, is a pretty fair match in the marketplace), they might want to dump the passenger dress code.

Southwest may not know it yet, but they are totally the official Devushka airline.

Carpetblog suggests: Southwest Airlines! Embrace your inner devushka. Is there that big of a difference between the LAX-LAS and KBP-IST commuter flights? No, there is not. Do a little market research. Don't fight it and stop trying to be something you are not.

World's Worst Airlines

One of the things I hate about articles like this RFE piece about the FSU's terrible airlines is that they only provide good pictures of the planes after they've crashed -- when they're nothing but useless heaps of twisted, burnt metal.

Carpetblog is about nothing if not filling in the gaps in your body of useless knowledge as well as helping you navigate the most culturally sophisticated part of the world. We've already expounded at length about the perils associated with flying in the FSU as well as addressed some common concerns about in-flight etiquette.  We're happy to share our photo-library of Crapistani airlines.

Take a look at this Aerflot-Don Tupolev. Betcha can't wait 'til your next flight to Rostov, can you?

                                  

And while we're on the topic of Tupolevs, here's one from Azal. It's fondly dubbed "Astara," after everyone's favorite skanky border town where Azeris have been known to sell their daughters to Turkish truckers for $10. Better hurry, though. Since Azerbaijan is so close to being a part of Europe, that -- and the chance to ride in a plane in which the doors are tied shut with seatbelts - is probably a limited time offer.

                            
                                                

And don't forget Ukraine's ARP-410 Airlines. I'm pretty sure that's a code share with Delta now, right?  You're looking here at the landing gear compartment (I want to say on an Anatov --domestic pride and all -- but only the good memories fade). Stenciled on the fuselage right behind it were the instructions "strike here with ax in case of emergency." Duly noted.

                                              

And no discussion of shitty airlines would be complete without a quick Ariana Afghan reference, even though it's not, strictly speaking, former Soviet. Close enough though. While this not a Brezhnev-era Soviet-made plane, it is a Brezhnev-era Boeing. The Ariana flight from Kabul skidded off the runway here a few weeks ago and had to be evacuated. The reason? The runway was wet. Don't believe Ariana is that bad? Read this.

 

Finally, I don't see anything wrong with this Dutch Air Force Cargo plane taking off in Kabul. I just like the photo. And in other news, The Netherlands has an Air Force.

Forms of Transportation I'll Not Be Taking Anytime Soon

An Open Letter to AeroSvit, Ukrainian Airlines

Dear AeroSvit, :

It's over between us

I had become quite fond of you over the last year. I liked your no-hassle approach to security (none, pretty much), your cheap fares to Istanbul, your fast check-in and minimal delays. I could always locate your counter in Istanbul's cavernous departure hall by searching for the particular hair color and footware choices of your typical passenger.

I defended you to my friends who thought you were just another shitty BabyFlot full of drunks vomiting in the aisle and applauding wildly at touchdown. You were better than "not that bad." You were "pretty good for this part of the world."

But it's, as they say, all over now.

In most consumer relationships there are a couple of principles that are generally adhered to. Based upon the behavior of your staff on January 7th, some of these principles might have been omitted in the most recent edition of your customer service manual (is written in Russian? It's ok. You can tell me):

• If someone gives you money to enter into an agreement, you uphold it;
• If you cannot, you make amends;
• The response "It's not my problem" does not fit into either category.

When I showed up at Borispil with 200 kgs of dogs and luggage, the correct reaction was not, "Only one dog per flight! That's our policy." 'Cause, really, that only made me mad.

Not only was this a buttfaced lie, I had a reservation in my hand, issued by your downtown ticket office, indicating these dogs were indeed scheduled to be on this flight. You said this was not your problem because those tickets were issued by a ticket office. I'll admit that it was hard for me to respond to that logic.

I lost my temper; about this I had a momentary twinge of regret. I realize that had I behaved suchly in countries where the terrorists have not yet won, I might be writing this from a secret prison in Poland.  Can you blame me for losing my composure when you said I would have to pay to change the tickets that you fucked up? Can you blame me for being angry that I had to spend two more days in your country, for which any remaining goodwill I held was depleted by this incident?

As is usually the case, something else was going on that night. It had nothing to do with how many dogs can fit in the cargo hold of a 737 and everything to do with your management system, which I believe was developed based on the book, "The 7 Principles of Highly Effective Post-Soviet Management: Lying, Cheating and Stealing." What was in that cargo hold anyway?

Your goal was to run down the clock, to wait until 40 minutes before the flight was scheduled to depart so you could shut down the counter without resolving our issue, thus making us someone else's problem. You pretended to be working on it, but admit it. You were updating your glamor shot on UkraineBride.net. And don't go accusing me of not treating you right. I offered you a little sumpin sumpin in honor of the new year.

Should Ukraine continue on a Western, rather than Eastern, trajectory (certainly not a given at this point, given the unabated rise of the banditocracy of late) your airline might one day lose its protected status.  Kyiv's strip clubs will be clogged by British stag parties but they won't be flying in on AeroSvit. Borispil will be swamped by airlines with even worse service than yours, but offering tickets at 1/3rd the price.

I shall not mourn you. You suck.

Hugs,

CB

Least Surprising Story Ever

If you don't believe that an Aeroflot jet from Moscow to Geneva can be diverted to Prague because of a drunk belligerent, check this out. (Interfax via Snowsquare)

"The passenger demanded a change of the route, to Cairo," she said. The passenger's name is Vladimir Dagayev. He was born in 1974, she said. It is premature to say what measures might be taken against the passenger, but, usually, airlines put such people on a blacklist, Danenberg said.

That was the 141st case of irrational behavior by passengers on Aeroflot flights this year, the press secretary said. "I am pleased to say that the number of debauchers on Aeroflot flights is falling every year," primarily because of the company's security policy, she said.

Only 141 incidents of "irrational behavior" this year? That's one almost every other day, AND they probably don't even count those that occur on flights within the former FSU. Every single flight on Aeroflot or one of its retarded offspring I've been on has provided countless examples of behavior that would result in a body cavity search and maybe a tour of Guantanamo in other unnamed countries.   

RFE/RL's interview with the flight crew is even richer.

RFE/RL: Do you know his nationality?

Malinin: He appeared eastern-looking, maybe from the Caucasus, maybe from Ossetia. My personal impression was that he is from Asia or the south...

RFE/RL: What about the other passengers, how did they react?

Malinin: There was no panic, absolutely no panic. Business class passengers, where it all happened, in the area of the first kitchen, helped us.

Malinin: Annoyance [on the part of passengers] is natural here, because people are flying on holiday, but in my opinion, when the passengers were already leaving the plane, there weren't annoyed, nobody had any inadequate reaction or made any unpleasant remarks. This was a formality that everyone understood very well. Of course, there was some regret among the passengers, but everything ended well.

I live in this part of the world in a constant state of annoyance and regret and frequently respond with unpleasant remarks. However, if you voluntarily fly Aeroflot, you're going to have to put up with some "irrational behavior." Lie down with dogs, as it were.

If you find it hard to understand how something like this can happen, you only need to watch this video of what passes for normal around here, courtesy of English Russia.

Ask Carpetblogger! How does one get to Afghanistan?

People who want to visit Kabul via Dubai have an embarrassment of choices: Kam Air, an Afghan/Kazakh joint venture that never runs on time and sometimes crashes; or Ariana Afghan  Airlines which relies on 727s that cannot land in Europe out of concerns about airworthiness, is never on time and sometimes crashes.

Flights in and out of Kabul from Dubai are frequently booked, so I was "lucky" to get tickets on Ariana when I showed up at the airport, cash in hand (the only way to buy tickets) the morning of departure. The flight out of Kabul, I was told, is known as the "happy belly" plane, since its cargo hold is usually filled with opium.

Interestingly, 727's, which started in production in 1963, are often mistaken for two of my other favorite jetliners, the Soviet-made Tupolev 154 and the Yak-42. Spare parts for the 727 are probably just as easy to come by.

Other than loading through the ass-end of the plane, there was little out of the ordinary about the flight itself. It seemed completely safe! Because it was Ramadan, fight attendants passed out food plates preceded by a plastic cup of dates, the traditional food to break the fast. No one started eating, however, until the pilot announced that, according to Iranian time (we were in Iranian airspace), it was ok to break the fast. I couldn't wait to dig in, unable to resist that stringy mutton and greasy rice!

airport entrance

Appropriate to its status as a post-conflict zone, the Kabul airport was pretty ghetto. Due to security concerns, cars are allowed nowhere near the terminal, so baggage get unloaded about a 10 minute walk away, in a dusty, concertina-wire lined parking lot.

Huge photos of Hamid Karzai and Ahmed Shah Massoud, the Lion of the Panjshir, hung from the freshly-painted terminal. It is impossible not to notice that Massoud's photos was 1 1/2 times as big as that of Karzai.

The view from the air was certainly welcome, though no more so than the view of the Arabian Gulf from my Dubai hotel room.

New Feature! Ask Carpetblogger

Today is the first day of a brand new feature: Ask Carpetblogger. Feel free to post or email your most pressing questions about life in Crapistan and read the answers right here!

So many people have asked lately, "Carpetblogger, how can I tell if I am on a flight to, from or within the Former Soviet Union? How can I be culturally sensitive while on board?" Clearly, this is the obvious inaugural question.

Unless you've got a one-way ticket on an unmarked jet to the Donald Rumsfeld Memorial Detention Center in Upper Assistan, this information should be readily available on your itinerary. But you might be drunk so I will give you some clues to look for. I will also provide some handy hints so you don't unintentionally offend your fellow passengers.

• Your flight from Crapistan will probably arrive in the most ghetto terminal of a real country's* airport, or so far out on the tarmac that the transit bus has to dodge fully loaded 747's lumbering down the runway. Surprisingly, AirSvit and Azal do not occupy prime real estate at Charles DeGaulle. Instead, planes are parked several kilometers away from that old terminal that has no waiting area and looks and operates like a Turkish prison. Bring your own chair and be glad they don't hose you down at customs.

• You don't want those theiving German baggage handlers to rifle through your belongings, making off with the last jar of baba's jam you're bringing to your sister-in-law, do you? As a safety precaution, get your luggage securely wrapped up by the vultures waiting with their metal carousel and rolls of sticky plastic before check-in. Just to be safe, get your carry-on luggage wrapped up too. You can't be too careful with all your valuables.

• Pilots have many important responsibilities on planes. One of the lesser known ones is informing you that you've had too much to drink and describing the unpleasantness that will ensue if you don't stop harassing the air devushkas. In case you and the pilot don't share a language, there's usually a handy booklet on board that spells out the consequences of your continued belligerence in one you theoretically understand. Don't worry. Pilots don't have anything better to do than come back to your seat to tell you stop throwing up in the aisle.

• That little room with the hole and blue chemicals in the back of the plane? That's the smoking lounge.

• Pilots need a lot of positive reinforcement. Express your appreciation that he didn't fly into a thunderstorm with a hearty round of applause upon touchdown.

• In real countries, planes crash if you use your cell phone after the doors close. This is not true in Crapistan. It's totally OK to leave your cell phone on during the flight. Coverage usually picks back up at about 10,000 feet, so you'll be able to schedule that important backgammon game at the chaikhana without delay.

• Remember, wearing seatbelts means you're gay and waiting until the plane touches down to leap to your feet, grab your plastic "rave girl" shopping bags from the overhead compartment and run toward the door means you'll be late for the abovementioned backgammon game. Be careful, though. Air devushkas on flights to real countries sometimes body check passengers who jump up from their seats before the plane has come to a complete halt at the gate. That's ok. Just pinch her ass.

*real country=country with laws

Have You Ever Wondered What an Azal Tupolev Looks Like?

Wonder no longer.

Shirley You Can't Be Serious!

Airline pilots referencing two of my favorite movies in one, pre-crash dialogue?

Southwest: Now my airline of choice.