Carpetblogger

A Night Out With Carpetblogger In Mingus, TX

We've noticed that Central Texas shares many characteristics of some of the more sophisticated areas of Pashtunistan. For example, both have substantial populations of heavily armed religious fanatics (Buckle Bunny* refuses to take us to Waco -- one in a string of outrages we've experienced lately). Also, getting a drink takes lots of effort.

As we might have mentioned in an earlier post, Eastland County is dry. Fortunately, as a habitue of Muslim countries, we already know how deal with this. For example, if you live in Islamabad, you load up at Duty Free and entertain quietly at home. If you live in Gorman, Texas, you go to Mingus.

(Here is Richard Thompson singing "Mingus Eyes" which is pretty awesome and may or may not be related to Mingus, Texas. A quick perusal of the lyrics does not rule it out!)

Mingus lies a few miles north of I-20 and has a population of 254 (buy your T-shirt here!). Its central business district is pretty much a county road lined with bars. And by bars, we mean "pressboard shacks with some Budweiser posters on the walls, a dartboard and, maybe, karaoke."

Options are many! You have your Boar's Nest, your City Lights, your R-Bar, your White House, your Mule Lip and your Sugar Bush. There may be others. We don't know. It was dark. 

The primary difference between these bars and ones you might find in Pashtunistan, if they had bars there, is that people get extremely drunk on Coors Light and rather belligerent on Friday night. We had been under the mistaken impression that the extremely drunk belligerents we saw at the Boars Nest were also armed, making us feel this was the most menacing bar in which we had ever had the pleasure of drinking Coors Light. We feel a lot better now knowing that it is illegal to bring your gun into bars.

Sadly, though, many Mingus visitors avoid the Mule Lip because some guy shot someone there last year. The newspaper story is linked here and, if you have not yet been convinced about the utility of social media, please spend a few minutes reading the comments. 

Before you head to Mingus, know that its bars can only serve beer and whatever is the new century's version of Zima. That means you stop at the liquor store and buy your own bottle before you choose your bar. May we suggest Cheryl's? The night we stopped in, Cheryl's was helmed by two 80 year-old women in matching red sweatshirts who looked like twins. They were struggling a bit with their cash register that night. We have no doubt they, too, were heavily armed.

*Buckle Bunny is the Carpetblog contributor formerly known as Red State Sibling.

Where's that Secession Petition? We Want to Sign It

We have been under the mistaken impression that Turks had cornered the market on mindless, testosterone driven nationalism (MTDN). That was before we had been to Texas! We always had a vague sense that this was the dominant characteristic of Texans, but saw it as something we never needed to concern ourselves with since we had, until now, made it a policy to never go to Texas.

There are countless unattractive ways in which MTDN manifests itself, too many for one blog post. So let's focus on music.

Saying they have both kinds of music, country and western, here is a bit generous. From our observation, the only music allowed on the radio is country and/or western music in which Texas figures prominently in the lyrics. There must be a Ministry for Making Sure Texas Comes Up At Least Once In Every Song. Can you think of another state in which this is the case? Minnesota? Oregon? Probably not.

Extra credit must be awarded to lyricists who praise women who share characteristics with Texas, such as "her teeth are white like west Texas cotton fields." Even so, we have not yet heard "she smells like Port Arthur" or "her personality reminds me of Lubbock" or "she's dry like Eastland County."

Curious readers might ask, "what, if any, role does Jesus play in this culture's music?" Astute question! When Jesus comes back --  if you believe the Zionist Christian talk shows out of Abilene, look for him sometime next week -- he is probably going to stop first in Mingus and have a beer before switching to whiskey around midnight.

Occasional references to Merica are encouraged, as are colorful shorthand references (red, white and blue, duh). Despite these, you can listen to the radio all day and get the distinct sense that Texas is its own planet, with its own physical and psychological geography, rotating on its own axis and orbiting a different sun that the rest of us see. This explains a lot. It also should come as a surprise to precisely no one.

As the clever Peter Feld points out regarding Texan Secession: "Subtract 38 red electoral votes (post-redistricting), two Senators and net 10+ House seats? Hell yeah!"

Where do we sign?

Full Information Not Given

So bleak were our recent options, that when Red State Sibling suggested we come take care of her Gorman, Texas ranch while she and the Cowboy left town, we didn't LOL at the idea. "The only thing you have to do is remember to close the gates," she lied.

Sensing our hesitation, she threw in a few appealing inducements. We booked a ticket according us a three-week visit to Central Texas, the longest period of consecutive time we have spent in the US in six years. Some people go to Bali post-divorce, others go to Gorman. We hate to be a cliche.

After a quick look at Accuweather, we asked, "Can I borrow coats and boots and gloves so I don't have to carry them?"

"What will you need those for!" she asked, as if we're some sort of clueless retard with no internet.  "It's 65 degrees here! It's Texas!"

She made plans for us to ride her cutting horses and plant her acre-large organic garden. We packed hat and gloves and a coat.

Gorman greeted us with rain and mud. Rain that turned to sleet. That turned to snow. That turned to ice.

Full information not given.

Putting Carpetblogger in charge of a 100 acre rural ranch for a week is not as absurd as sounds. Our veneer of urban sophistication may suggest otherwise, but we are not without rural skills. Horses, dogs, cats, sheep and chickens are easy. Tractors are within our skill set. So are 4WD pick-ups.

Cattle are a bit foreign, a little scary, but we can deal. Hundred year old houses with a dozen guns (there are three within sight of this couch) but no locks on the doors and no landlines are disconcerting. And, can there really be parts of America where there is little or no mobile phone coverage? As it turns out, YES! This is one of them. Terrifying.

Full information not given.

About those gates. The mobius strip they've created of doors and gates that only lock from one side virtually guarantees, should we follow the instructions "remember to close the gates" diligently, we will be locked out of somewhere critical, or locked in somewhere with no mobile phone. Alternatively, we will develop OCD. "Did I lock that gate? Shut that door?" and trudge back and forth to the barn all night long in sleet and mud, doublechecking.

Full information not given.

Did we mention Eastland County is dry?

Full information not given.

Our biggest fears are these: Things will get stuck (tractors, vehicles, calves. O! Did we forget to mention it's calving season? Sometimes they get stuck and have to be pulled out. Full information not given) or things will get cold (primarily, me).

Stay tuned.

Carpetblog Pre-Departure Briefing for David Plouffe's Trip to Baku

 No one knows better than Carpetblogger how to ingratiate oneself to an obscure, corrupt dictator with oil, so we're a little miffed Obama's campaign manager David Plouffe didn't call us before his upcoming trip to Azerbaijan.  Who hearts Baku more than Carpetblogger?

Anyhow, since he's visiting at the invitation of the Association for Civil Society Development, a government-created lobbying organization masquerading as an NGO and, as RFE/RL tactfully puts it, "government mouthpiece," he may not need our advice after all. We wonder if he might be there to discuss the fake exit poll the group commissioned for the 2005 parliamentary election that did so much to enhance Warren Mitofsky's reputation (it completely annoys us that Daria Vaisman's excellent TNR article about this story isn't online) and support the government line that it doesn't steal elections. Or maybe, even a Chicago political consultant can learn something about election stealing from the pros. But! We digress.

Here's our advice.*

• Azeris have the biggest poles.
• Watch out for Camel Toes!
• Be sure to check out the hip-hop scene.
• Maybe you might want to plan another junket after Disneyland-Azerbaijan and the Death Star/Caspian Asshole hotel opens.
• Azerbaijan is democratic and lawful. The signs say so.
• Azerbaijan has a thriving fashion industry. Maybe you can suggest Michelle chose something from the Atilla collection for the White House Correspondents' dinner.
• Obviously there are no hard feelings about the whole Chicago vs. Baku in 2016 thing.
• Don't miss Sumgayit. Bring your gas mask.

Remember, David, it's not selling out, it's buying in! We're glad GovAZ is establishing links with the new administration and we hope you're presented with some quality investment opportunities while there. Democracy is for chumps!

Ken Silverstein at Harpers has written at length about ASCD. He has updated his blog.

*If you think this post was just an excuse to link to old posts, you might be right. Those were the days when we actually liked this blog.

Carpetblogger Weighs In: Amerikastan in Several Posts

After three and a half weeks, two coasts and six states, the 2008 Carpetblog Batan Death March is finally over. We saw hundreds of friends and relatives -- for 15 minutes each-- attended two weddings (the Producer did three), made lots of new friends, turned 40, initiated the aporkalypse more than once and sold almost everything in our Portland storage unit for less than $5 per item. (Most common phrases: "No, Mom, you didn't give us that." "No, of course not! We would never sell a wedding gift.")

Because we have no shortage of opinions, there were some things we liked. Most of these things fall into the categories of "food" and "booze" -- two areas in which America excels and for which we had high expectations. Of course, there are also some things we suggest you avoid. As it turns out, there were so many things we liked that the post was three pages long! That's why, in a effort to break our blogging dry spell, we're going to break this into several posts. We would have posted during the trip, but we swear we didn't stop eating, drinking and talking with friends long enough to take a breath for three and a half straight weeks. Anyway, America looks better at a distance.

Of course, we'll start with the things we didn't like. Live the Carpetblog dream while avoiding our errors.

Convertibles: Even if the Avis guy says it's only an extra $10 a day. Even if you're turning 40. Even if your  husband isn't there to squawk irrational objections as you sign the rental agreement. Resist the urge. Giving in guarantees the average temperature in late May/Early June on the whole west coast, from LA to Seattle, is about 50 degrees. It also ensures lots more irrational squawking on the long, cold drive between Atascadero and Gilroy.

American News: It is possible to watch several consecutive hours of TV news and see no story that is unrelated to traffic, weather or the latest health scare from which your family must be protected. We became worried over the weekend that some children would remain unprotected from the threat of salmonella-laced guacamolitos while the press jerked itself off with Russert coverage.  We know The Operative disagrees with us on this, but just because it’s sad doesn’t mean it’s news. It's Anna Nicole Smith for a different demographic.
 
Portland, Oregon Portland may be the only city in the world that's becoming less urban as it grows. With neighborhood streets almost entirely enveloped by rhododendrons covered in obscene blooms and slovenly oak trees, it looks like native forests are finally taking back their territory. There isn't a sharp edge or a non-recyclable in the entire city. If you crave extreme courtesy, thoughtful conformity and complete racial and ideological homogeneity and never, ever want to be challenged by something unattractive or contrary to your belief systems, move there now. Given the current political and intellectual environment in the U.S. --  whether or not the earth was created in seven days is still up for discussion-- I sympathize with the impulse to surround oneself with the like-minded. But seriously, could Portland be more boring? The mylar car dealership flags and orange self-storage units of SE 82^nd were actually a visual relief after block after downtown block of boxy “green” buildings built with sustainably-produced materials and painted in tasteful earth tones.

Tomorrow (or the day after): Carpetblog recommends!

Bitch is the New Black!

Tina Fey, who falls into the Carpetblogger demographic, endorsed Hillary on SNL. As a fellow Catholic school alumna and someone has been called a bitch from time to time, I support her rationale.

"What bothers me most is that people say Hillary Clinton is a bitch. Let me say something about that. She is. And so am I. Bitches get stuff done. That's why Catholic Schools use nuns instead of priests. Those nuns are mean old clams... At the end of the year you hated those bitches, but you knew the capital of Vermont... Bitch is the new black!"

Carpetblogger Weighs In: Presidential Endorsement

Carpetblogger has finally accepted that, for the next 10 months, every conversation in a bar, in a taxi or a restroom stall will be dominated by U.S. Presidential politics. We've already had many animated -- sometimes bordering on violent -- debates among fellow Democrats about this historic and competitive primary election. And we've totally enjoyed every single one of them. 

We've also spent a lot of time disabusing Europeans of their arrogantly misguided notions about the dynamics of US campaigns. This is our burden, but do you see us weighing in on the ever-so-complex Belgian parliamentary elections? We avoid claiming authority (very often) over things about which we know nothing, but every Nigel, Juan, Geert and Franz seem to think he understands the electoral college because he read Stupid White Men. Twice.

Even though as a matter of policy Carpetblog has stayed away from posts on US politics, we've never made any secret of our own political leanings. Given that we worked in Democratic politics for 13 years and tend to hold strong opinions, to do otherwise seems rather unlikely.

Because there's so much at stake and because Carpetblog is highly influential among opinion leaders in the capitals of Crapistan, we've decided to make an endorsement. Before weighing in, however, it is important to lay out a few of our guiding principles.

First, Carpetblogger is a Democrat. This means we have lost far more races than we've won. All other things being equal, or even given the enormous advantage of a wildly unpopular incumbent, shitty economy and disastrous war, Democrats will figure out the most spectacular way to lose. This is a fact.

Second, Carpetblogger believes the mid- and late '90s were pretty damn awesome. The economy was smoking, there were no real wars and They didn't hate us that much.

Third, Carpetblogger believes that the only ones who insist they will change things in Washington are those who have no idea how Washington works. Carpetblog does not believe in change. Indeed, Carpetblogger rejects idealism, particularly when it comes to political campaigns and democracy promotion.

Fourth, despite overwhelming evidence that suggests it's highly unlikely, we want to win. To us, winning is more important than being right.

Finally, over the past eight years, we found ourselves gradually becoming nostalgic for the first Bush. Then we began to think that Reagan wasn't really all that bad. Eventually, we started to think Nixon got a bad rap. Given this long, slow decline in expectations, Carpetblogger has a single demand for the next President: basic competence.  Above all else, we want someone who can unfuck things.

So, yah. Hillary Clinton. That's who's getting the coveted Carpetblog endorsement.

Here's why:

First, Hillary is a snake, but she's our snake. In a fight, I'd want her watching my back. She's going to know where to stick the shiv and how hard to stick it. I like Obama. He's a very talented politician (and cute too!), but getting a pass on your Senate campaign because your opponent got caught going to S&M clubs does not qualify you to withstand the shitstorm that the Republicans will gin up. I want someone who knows how to fight dirty and win at all costs. On our side, no one can do that like a Clinton.

Second, it surprises me how caught up people -- especially those who should know better -- are in the "inspirational message of change and unity" coming from the Obama campaign. What kind of fool looks to Presidential politics for inspiration? All those people are going to be devastated when Obama loses in November. No one is going to be all that disappointed when Hillary loses. Why not be prepared for it?

Third, when I see Bill Clinton up there, I feel all warm and fuzzy, like it's 1997 all over again and all we had to worry about was who was blowing whom.

Finally, unfucking things. Remember that first two years that Clinton spent getting rolled by his own party over stupid shit like gays in the military? That's what I foresee the first two years of an Obama Presidency being like. Things need to get unfucked fast.

So, wait. You mean there's another party? In theory, we could care less about the Republican race and the circus sideshow of freaks running. But because Carpetblogger believes that Democrats will almost certainly be defeated, we endorse the Republican we will be least horrified to lose to in November, even though we are rabidly opposed to 95% of his positions and think he's way too old: John McCain. At least he's an adult and he might unfuck a few things before keeling over. For pure entertainment purposes, however, we'd opt for Mike Huckabee.

Seriously, five years of lowered expectations in Crapistan is like eight years of the Bush presidency: eventually, your standards get so low that anyone who isn't a wild-eyed creationist with 15 children and a penchant for the gold standard seems "not that bad."

Have You Watched This?

It was produced with the help of Disney and plays "prominently" at international entry points in US airports as well as US Embassies and Consulates.

Even though it:

• Totally misses the point of Why They Hate Us (tm);
• Has too many kids in it;
• Was only created because our bad reputation abroad is hurting economic interests at home;
• Steals from Canada
• Lacks Toby Keith lyrics or crying eagles or references to 9/11 (tm);
• Reminds me how furious I am at the degree to which the values communicated in that video have been hijacked by a cabal of popularly-elected criminals and  corrupted beyond recognition, and how up until the last three years or so, I never, in my whole life, felt embarrassed to say where I am from....

It's got shots of the fishing-throwing guys from Pike Place Market in Seattle! I heart the fish guys!

Carpetblogger Weighed In

A few weeks ago, when the House Foreign Affairs Committee was voting on the Armenian Genocide resolution, Carpetblogger, in a rare burst of civic participation, organized all the people we know who have professional or personal interests in the region to write letters to their Member of Congress asking him or her to, at minimum, postpone the vote until, well, never.

As a former political consultant, I know the influence genuine constituent letters can have on a congressional office but I always viewed writing my Representative as something people who are not me do. Now, I am more like a regular voter than I've ever been (I complain about the garbage and streetlights in my neighborhood like the best neighborhood activist whack job), so I visited the website of Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D, OR-03) and sent off a letter.

I had no illusions that Rep. Blumenauer, who sits on the committee and is a co-sponsor, would change his vote but as a constituent who knows a little bit about the issue, I thought I should weigh in. The Producer did as well, as did about a dozen other folks.

If you have been living under a rock and don't know why this resolution is such a spectacularly bad idea, read this, this and this.

I'm pretty sure it was Carpetblog's organizational efforts that resulted in the postponement of the floor vote, much more so than the opposition of all the former Secretaries of State and the whole of the Bush Administration (though in all truthfulness, realizing I held the same position as the Bush Administration made me pause for a moment and wonder if I was actually on the right side of the issue).

The real point of this post, however, is that Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D, OR-03), failed to respond to my and the Producer's letters. I find that so very discouraging.   

Christmas is Just Around the Corner!

I think copyranter has solved a lot of people's holiday shopping conundrums: what to get for the war criminals on their list. It turns out this problem can easily be solved at the Blackwater gift shop.

This festive Blackwater logo Christmas tree ornament is just $11.95! It's an affordable and unique way to celebrate the spirit of the season by honoring the mercenaries that kill non-believers on our behalf.

As CR says, nothing says "Joy To The World" like mass murder in Mesopotamia!