Carpetblogger

Carpetblogger Weighs In: Amerikastan in Several Posts

After three and a half weeks, two coasts and six states, the 2008 Carpetblog Batan Death March is finally over. We saw hundreds of friends and relatives -- for 15 minutes each-- attended two weddings (the Producer did three), made lots of new friends, turned 40, initiated the aporkalypse more than once and sold almost everything in our Portland storage unit for less than $5 per item. (Most common phrases: "No, Mom, you didn't give us that." "No, of course not! We would never sell a wedding gift.")

Because we have no shortage of opinions, there were some things we liked. Most of these things fall into the categories of "food" and "booze" -- two areas in which America excels and for which we had high expectations. Of course, there are also some things we suggest you avoid. As it turns out, there were so many things we liked that the post was three pages long! That's why, in a effort to break our blogging dry spell, we're going to break this into several posts. We would have posted during the trip, but we swear we didn't stop eating, drinking and talking with friends long enough to take a breath for three and a half straight weeks. Anyway, America looks better at a distance.

Of course, we'll start with the things we didn't like. Live the Carpetblog dream while avoiding our errors.

Convertibles: Even if the Avis guy says it's only an extra $10 a day. Even if you're turning 40. Even if your  husband isn't there to squawk irrational objections as you sign the rental agreement. Resist the urge. Giving in guarantees the average temperature in late May/Early June on the whole west coast, from LA to Seattle, is about 50 degrees. It also ensures lots more irrational squawking on the long, cold drive between Atascadero and Gilroy.

American News: It is possible to watch several consecutive hours of TV news and see no story that is unrelated to traffic, weather or the latest health scare from which your family must be protected. We became worried over the weekend that some children would remain unprotected from the threat of salmonella-laced guacamolitos while the press jerked itself off with Russert coverage.  We know The Operative disagrees with us on this, but just because it’s sad doesn’t mean it’s news. It's Anna Nicole Smith for a different demographic.
 
Portland, Oregon Portland may be the only city in the world that's becoming less urban as it grows. With neighborhood streets almost entirely enveloped by rhododendrons covered in obscene blooms and slovenly oak trees, it looks like native forests are finally taking back their territory. There isn't a sharp edge or a non-recyclable in the entire city. If you crave extreme courtesy, thoughtful conformity and complete racial and ideological homogeneity and never, ever want to be challenged by something unattractive or contrary to your belief systems, move there now. Given the current political and intellectual environment in the U.S. --  whether or not the earth was created in seven days is still up for discussion-- I sympathize with the impulse to surround oneself with the like-minded. But seriously, could Portland be more boring? The mylar car dealership flags and orange self-storage units of SE 82^nd were actually a visual relief after block after downtown block of boxy “green” buildings built with sustainably-produced materials and painted in tasteful earth tones.

Tomorrow (or the day after): Carpetblog recommends!

Bitch is the New Black!

Tina Fey, who falls into the Carpetblogger demographic, endorsed Hillary on SNL. As a fellow Catholic school alumna and someone has been called a bitch from time to time, I support her rationale.

"What bothers me most is that people say Hillary Clinton is a bitch. Let me say something about that. She is. And so am I. Bitches get stuff done. That's why Catholic Schools use nuns instead of priests. Those nuns are mean old clams... At the end of the year you hated those bitches, but you knew the capital of Vermont... Bitch is the new black!"

Carpetblogger Weighs In: Presidential Endorsement

Carpetblogger has finally accepted that, for the next 10 months, every conversation in a bar, in a taxi or a restroom stall will be dominated by U.S. Presidential politics. We've already had many animated -- sometimes bordering on violent -- debates among fellow Democrats about this historic and competitive primary election. And we've totally enjoyed every single one of them. 

We've also spent a lot of time disabusing Europeans of their arrogantly misguided notions about the dynamics of US campaigns. This is our burden, but do you see us weighing in on the ever-so-complex Belgian parliamentary elections? We avoid claiming authority (very often) over things about which we know nothing, but every Nigel, Juan, Geert and Franz seem to think he understands the electoral college because he read Stupid White Men. Twice.

Even though as a matter of policy Carpetblog has stayed away from posts on US politics, we've never made any secret of our own political leanings. Given that we worked in Democratic politics for 13 years and tend to hold strong opinions, to do otherwise seems rather unlikely.

Because there's so much at stake and because Carpetblog is highly influential among opinion leaders in the capitals of Crapistan, we've decided to make an endorsement. Before weighing in, however, it is important to lay out a few of our guiding principles.

First, Carpetblogger is a Democrat. This means we have lost far more races than we've won. All other things being equal, or even given the enormous advantage of a wildly unpopular incumbent, shitty economy and disastrous war, Democrats will figure out the most spectacular way to lose. This is a fact.

Second, Carpetblogger believes the mid- and late '90s were pretty damn awesome. The economy was smoking, there were no real wars and They didn't hate us that much.

Third, Carpetblogger believes that the only ones who insist they will change things in Washington are those who have no idea how Washington works. Carpetblog does not believe in change. Indeed, Carpetblogger rejects idealism, particularly when it comes to political campaigns and democracy promotion.

Fourth, despite overwhelming evidence that suggests it's highly unlikely, we want to win. To us, winning is more important than being right.

Finally, over the past eight years, we found ourselves gradually becoming nostalgic for the first Bush. Then we began to think that Reagan wasn't really all that bad. Eventually, we started to think Nixon got a bad rap. Given this long, slow decline in expectations, Carpetblogger has a single demand for the next President: basic competence.  Above all else, we want someone who can unfuck things.

So, yah. Hillary Clinton. That's who's getting the coveted Carpetblog endorsement.

Here's why:

First, Hillary is a snake, but she's our snake. In a fight, I'd want her watching my back. She's going to know where to stick the shiv and how hard to stick it. I like Obama. He's a very talented politician (and cute too!), but getting a pass on your Senate campaign because your opponent got caught going to S&M clubs does not qualify you to withstand the shitstorm that the Republicans will gin up. I want someone who knows how to fight dirty and win at all costs. On our side, no one can do that like a Clinton.

Second, it surprises me how caught up people -- especially those who should know better -- are in the "inspirational message of change and unity" coming from the Obama campaign. What kind of fool looks to Presidential politics for inspiration? All those people are going to be devastated when Obama loses in November. No one is going to be all that disappointed when Hillary loses. Why not be prepared for it?

Third, when I see Bill Clinton up there, I feel all warm and fuzzy, like it's 1997 all over again and all we had to worry about was who was blowing whom.

Finally, unfucking things. Remember that first two years that Clinton spent getting rolled by his own party over stupid shit like gays in the military? That's what I foresee the first two years of an Obama Presidency being like. Things need to get unfucked fast.

So, wait. You mean there's another party? In theory, we could care less about the Republican race and the circus sideshow of freaks running. But because Carpetblogger believes that Democrats will almost certainly be defeated, we endorse the Republican we will be least horrified to lose to in November, even though we are rabidly opposed to 95% of his positions and think he's way too old: John McCain. At least he's an adult and he might unfuck a few things before keeling over. For pure entertainment purposes, however, we'd opt for Mike Huckabee.

Seriously, five years of lowered expectations in Crapistan is like eight years of the Bush presidency: eventually, your standards get so low that anyone who isn't a wild-eyed creationist with 15 children and a penchant for the gold standard seems "not that bad."

Have You Watched This?

It was produced with the help of Disney and plays "prominently" at international entry points in US airports as well as US Embassies and Consulates.

Even though it:

• Totally misses the point of Why They Hate Us (tm);
• Has too many kids in it;
• Was only created because our bad reputation abroad is hurting economic interests at home;
• Steals from Canada
• Lacks Toby Keith lyrics or crying eagles or references to 9/11 (tm);
• Reminds me how furious I am at the degree to which the values communicated in that video have been hijacked by a cabal of popularly-elected criminals and  corrupted beyond recognition, and how up until the last three years or so, I never, in my whole life, felt embarrassed to say where I am from....

It's got shots of the fishing-throwing guys from Pike Place Market in Seattle! I heart the fish guys!

Carpetblogger Weighed In

A few weeks ago, when the House Foreign Affairs Committee was voting on the Armenian Genocide resolution, Carpetblogger, in a rare burst of civic participation, organized all the people we know who have professional or personal interests in the region to write letters to their Member of Congress asking him or her to, at minimum, postpone the vote until, well, never.

As a former political consultant, I know the influence genuine constituent letters can have on a congressional office but I always viewed writing my Representative as something people who are not me do. Now, I am more like a regular voter than I've ever been (I complain about the garbage and streetlights in my neighborhood like the best neighborhood activist whack job), so I visited the website of Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D, OR-03) and sent off a letter.

I had no illusions that Rep. Blumenauer, who sits on the committee and is a co-sponsor, would change his vote but as a constituent who knows a little bit about the issue, I thought I should weigh in. The Producer did as well, as did about a dozen other folks.

If you have been living under a rock and don't know why this resolution is such a spectacularly bad idea, read this, this and this.

I'm pretty sure it was Carpetblog's organizational efforts that resulted in the postponement of the floor vote, much more so than the opposition of all the former Secretaries of State and the whole of the Bush Administration (though in all truthfulness, realizing I held the same position as the Bush Administration made me pause for a moment and wonder if I was actually on the right side of the issue).

The real point of this post, however, is that Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D, OR-03), failed to respond to my and the Producer's letters. I find that so very discouraging.   

Christmas is Just Around the Corner!

I think copyranter has solved a lot of people's holiday shopping conundrums: what to get for the war criminals on their list. It turns out this problem can easily be solved at the Blackwater gift shop.

This festive Blackwater logo Christmas tree ornament is just $11.95! It's an affordable and unique way to celebrate the spirit of the season by honoring the mercenaries that kill non-believers on our behalf.

As CR says, nothing says "Joy To The World" like mass murder in Mesopotamia!

We're All Wearing the Blue Dress

From Tales of the Freeway Blogger, via Wonkette.

Happy Birthday America!

On behalf of those of us who are wallowing in post-Soviet, or post-colonial or post-whatever shitholes, trying to beg, cajole and convince the deeply oligarchical that rule of law means "rule by laws, not of men," thanks heaps to The Decider for this! Best. Gift. Ever.

"Both critics and defenders of this investigation have made important points. I have made my own evaluation. In preparing for the decision I am announcing today, I have carefully weighed these arguments and the circumstances surrounding this case....

...I respect the jury’s verdict. But I have concluded [emph. added] that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Mr. Libby’s sentence that required him to spend thirty months in prison."

Fucking banana republic.

Can you just imagine the look on Bush's Face

When Putin said, "hey, let's put that missile shield in Azerbaijan" ?

If Putin wasn't fucking with Bush, I will have lost all respect for him (Putin, I mean).

And Bush got sick after the meeting?

There is a god and his name is Vlad.

The Grant Giver's Challenge

Back in the day, when I ran an NGO in a country that will remain nameless, people came to me all the time to ask me to give them money to help them implement their ideas.

It was my job to sort through these proposals, looking for a few kernels of wheat amid bushels of chaff.

Most of the ideas were impractical, poorly thought out, pointless or a combination thereof. The appellants themselves were usually corrupt, sometimes earnest but more often incompetent and almost always incapable of doing the job they proposed to do. I often said to myself in these meetings "how stupid do they think I am?" Actually, sometimes I said that aloud. (Though in fairness, when you see some of the stupid ideas that do get funded, you can't blame people for asking).

As I read the news this morning, I thought of guys who give money to terrorists to help them carry out their ideas.

One law enforcement official played down Mr. Defreitas’s ability to carry out an attack, calling him “a sad sack” and “not a Grade A terrorist....”

But the official said that Mr. Defreitas’s efforts to enlist Jamaat al-Muslimeen’s aid could have had devastating consequences.

“They didn’t have the money and they didn’t have the bombs,” the official said of the suspects, “but if we let it go it could have gotten there; they could have gotten the J.A.M. fully involved, and we wouldn’t know where it could have gone.”

Anyone who controls the purse strings of a grant-giving organization can identify a "sad sack," whether he's planning a terror attack on JFK airport or a creating an election monitoring organization. Does the leader of J.A.M., Hezbollah or LeT or even OBL himself have to deal with the same problems? If I ever met someone from a terrorist funding organization, I think I would ask this question.