Carpetblogger

Ask Carpetblogger: Should I bring Turkish wine to a party?

First question! It's a very important one.

Dear Carpetblogger:

Booze is so expensive in Turkey! I know I should be polite and bring something to drink to dinner and parties but I am a young freelancer and have no money. Is it ever ok to bring Turkish wine or will I be shunned like a slutty Amish girl?

Potential Pariah

 

Dear Pariah:

This is possibly the most vexing etiquette dilemma facing party-goers in Istanbul today. Since Istanbul Eats has slogged into the Turkish wine debate with a new column that should be called OK, This One's Not That Bad, your question is more timely than ever.  It's wise to seek guidance.

Carpetblogger has long held that Turkish wine is the best of the Black Sea region, if you don't count Georgian and Bulgarian, and, some have argued -- but we don't necessarily agree -- Moldovan. We also believe that, while Muslims excel in many things, including hair removal and cooking meat on a stick, making liquor is not one of them.

Even we are willing to admit that Turkish wine is better than it used to be. It is possible to find a reasonably priced bottle that won't make you sick (if you do find one, buy it by the case). Some people may vociferously object to the following advice, but we here at Ask Carpetblogger are pragmatists and sympathize with the poor prole drinker. The short answer, is "sure, go ahead, bring Turkish wine but proceed with caution."

Our caveats:

• Because of taxes and other Muslim what-nots, wine is stupid expensive in Turkey. Plus, there's the "if it's expensive it must be good" developing world elitny surcharge. Just because a bottle of Turkish wine is expensive, doesn't mean it's any good. It may, at the high end, be drinkable but it's still probably a terrible value. There are an increasing number of decent wines being produced by vintners on some of the Aegean Islands, and we would look them up and tell you what they are but you have google too. If you really, really, really want to try Turkish wine, go to one of these places. [update: be careful at Sensus at Galata -- we and people we know have bought skunked whites there and they can be tetchy about taking it back, even when it looks like urine and tastes like rotten vinegar. Most staff is not terribly knowledgeable, either.] They'll let you sample different varietals and explain which goes best with beyaz peynir and sucuk. Still, if you're going to drop some cash on a bottle that you're hoping will get you some action, do not buy Turkish. 

• Do not bring any bottle of Turkish wine that costs less than 10 TL. It is wine-colored poison. You will be judged, harshly and publicly.

• Buy the best bottle of imported you can afford. You'll probably have to go to a wine shop, since supermarket/tekel supplies can be limited. Most wine shops usually have some off-brand French or Italian plonk for 20TL or less. It's still a ridiculous price for crap wine, but will be better than a Turkish label at the same price, guaranteed.

• Think of how much more popular you'll be if you bring something imported and unusual, even if it's cheap. Spanish? Sure. Italian? Great. Even Bulgarian gets an A for effort. Greek, if you must. Stuffing your baggage and maxing out at duty free is part of the social contract. Do your part.

• Do not, under any circumstances, bring local and drink imported. Some hostesses are implementing a colored wristband system at parties as a mechanism to publicly shame those who bring Buzbağ and drink Bordeaux. Some of those people are impossible to shame, however. They know who they are.

Before you go and say "Carpetblogger, why are you such a fucking snob?" (uh, why water is wet?), let us be clear that we do not discriminate against cheap wine. We LOVE cheap wine. We just hate shitty wine in general and expensive shitty wine in particular. Maybe someday Turkish wine will be as good as Greek wine and we'll have to find a new target.

In the meantime, if you're invited to a sangria or mulled wine party chez Carpetblogger you know that there's an oversupply of Angora, Buzbağ and Deluca. The next day will be rough. We call it payback.

 

 

 

A New Carpetblog Feature! Ask An Expat

Inspiration often comes from the unlikeliest sources. Carpetblog recently came across the NYT  India Ink blog's new "Agony Auntie"  feature, designed to help expats in India avoid embarrassment. We thought "How useful! We know lots of people who could benefit from something like that. Someone should do it for Turkey." 

So, we reached out to The Unaccompanied Lady. Because there are few expat issues on which Carpetblogger and Unaccompanied Lady do not have informed opinions and because we agree on nearly everything, this will be a joint venture. We plan to distinguish ourselves from India Ink's feature by making it clear from the outset that helping expats -- especially people we know -- avoid embarrassment is low on our list of objectives. Also, it won't be lame.

In the unlikely event we can't answer a question, or make up a sufficient response, we will outsource questions to our stable of experts with specialized knowledge of things, such as Borko or Red State Sibling, or other secret, surprise guests whom we have yet to identify (but we have ideas! If you'd like to be considered, send a detailed CV and salary requirements).

Here are some Frequently Asked Questions about this new feature:

What qualifies Carpetblogger for this role? It was our idea, stolen from elsewhere. Therefore, we're best qualified.

What topics will you address? A better question is what topics will we NOT address. The Carpetblog/Unaccompanied Lady areas of expertise include -- but are not limited to -- coping with bureaucracy, birth, breastfeeding and child rearing, primates, music, intercultural understanding, cooking, bribing, sex, dating and relationships, cattle, fashion, current affairs, fine dining, developing cultural sensitivity, ethics, importing pork and liquor, languages and Crapistan.

What topics will you not address? Boring topics. If you want travel advice for Turkey, there's this great new service called google. Try it today!

Will question-askers remain anonymous? Only if the benefit of revealing your identity outweighs your desire to not be humiliated.

Do questions have to be from/about Turkey or from Expats? Of course not! We welcome questions from around the world from all types of people.

How can we submit questions?  The world of social media is vast. You can send an SMS, use the contact Carpetblog email link on the blog (but sometimes we forget to check that one), talk to us in the ladies' room at a bar, use Facebook, @Carpetblogger1 or @Unaccompanylady on Twitter, leave it in the comments or use telepathy. It's up to you.

So beat the rush! Send your questions in today. We'll be choosing among the best ones this week!

 

An Open Letter to THY Regarding Your Pre-Flight Safety Video

Sayın THY!

Let us preface this post by pointing out that we criticize because we love. We hope this rant shall not be misinterpreted or in any way affect our imminent accession to the rarefied heights of Elite Plus status.

But, because we have spent that much time on THY flights, we have become initmately familiar with the Horrible Pre-Flight Safey Video featuring players from, informed sources have told us, the team Manchester United. Accordingly, we have opinions.

We recognize that making "clever" flight safety videos is now a "thing" that airlines to do try to get people to pay attention to important information that could save lives. We also acknowledge that people who are not middle-aged American women may be interested in what football players have to say about things. Perhaps we have been missing something important and lifesaving after we clamp down the noise cancelling headphones as soon as the cavorting begins.

 

As someone who frequently defends THY against charges that you sometimes land at the wrong airport, or can't figure out a way to seat a mother and her nine-month old spawn next to each other, or that many of your pilots don't speak English well enough to communicate with ATC, we find your approach to pre-flight safety, which juxtaposes a mildly retarded football player mucking around with a life preserver with a passenger assuming the crash position, a bit troubling.

Now, as a market research professional, we are willing to keep an open mind that your research has shown that your target audience is middle-aged Turkish or Arab men. If so, we believe that employing thinly-veiled homoeroticism to demonstrate the correct way to use an emergency slide borders on genius. We are huge fans of using research findings in counter-intuitive ways. Respect.

However, in our limited sample size, we have found that non-Turkish people can be concerned about the basic competence and quality of THY. Let me reiterate that we do mean "people who are not Carpetblogger." We always assure our friends that we choose THY over Delta or even PIA, on which we are close to achieving status, every time. We argue that THY is the thing that works best in Turkey.

Especially if they aren't up to speed on the latest advancements in Turknology, people sometimes wonder if THY is "safe." For an airline that aspires with the intensity of an 19th century arriviste to be seen as "Globally Yours," establishing passengers' confidence in its basic competence and commitment to safety might be a strategic priority -- more so, even, than cross-branding with famous football teams.

We 3> you, THY. We love your convenient flights to shitty places. We love your new lounge at Ataturk more than our own home. We love how your flight attendants ask us with a straight face if we want Turkish or French wine and how we respond without giggling. We're like an old married couple like that.

But this safety video is really coming between us and making me question our relationship.

Hugs,

Carpetblogger