Carpetblogger

The Carpetblog Guide to Renewing Your Ikamet

Back in the day, we moved to Istanbul because it was a convenient, reasonably cheap, convivial place to base oneself while one conducted one's professional activities in Greater Crapistan. Whether that is still the case is subject to debate, best left for another post. One of the few things that had, surprisngly, become more convenient over time was renewing one's residence permit (ikamet).

Our first ikamet experience, in 2007, took place on an unsigned floor at the giant police station in Aksaray, where one proceeded through a heaving mass of non-queuing foreigners to obtain stamps allocated at 6 or 7 unmarked windows. It was impossible to know what documents were needed (we remember having to obtain three or four typewritten sentences at a copy shop around the corner.  We can't remember what that document was called or what it communicated to whom).

Gradually, over time the system improved. Because we believe in positive reinforcement, we recognized this and applauded it in 2009. In response, we received an email from someone claiming to be from the Yabancı Şubesi asking for more constructive criticism, which we were thrilled to provide. By last year, the process had improved to the point where it was mildly annoying but not particularly onerous to renew your ikamet.

Those days seem to be over.

People who care more can look up the details but late last year, the government decided, with the degree of careful study and forethought that typically characterizes official actions in Turkey, to revamp the foreigner registration process. We've read this, we have no idea if it's accurate. Could be. Why the hell not?

Because we believe in public service, we are going to explain what happened when we renewed this week. HUGE CAVEATS FOLLOW. If these do not apply to you, your experience may differ, possibly substantially. Everything seems aribtrary right now. I won't know the answer to your specific situation.

• I am American and I live in Beyoğlu. Every ilce has its own demands. I went to the same police station on Zambak Sokak, between Tarlabaşı and İstiklal, as last year.
• I am a regular person, not a journalist.
• I have always been completely legal in Turkey, with a residence permit from the day I moved here. I've never overstayed a visa or used the old visa run strategy that used to work;
• My last entry to Turkey was three weeks ago, using my unexpired residence permit;
• I have a Turkish bank account, Turkish health insurance and a tax number
• The information in my residence permit (ie my address) is completely accurate.

This is what I did to renew:

• Started trying to get an appointment six weeks before my ikamet expired, I spent an hour or so each morning at 9 am, when new appointments opened up, trying to book on one of the worst websites invented by humans. After it crashed or timed out 1000 times, I changed browsers. That did the trick and I got an appointment ten days after my permit expired, the limit before you have to apply for a new permit entirely. Avoid this scenario at all costs.
• Collected the documents stipulated on the Yabancı Şubesi (YS) website. Other than still having to print the application in color, (you can't ever print the Turkish flag in black and white, dummy) these have no basis in reality -- you need these and more. One guy there speaks enough English to tell you what you don't have. What you need in Beyoglu follows:
• Bank Documents: Because I bank with an obscure bank (it's called HSBC, have you heard of it?), I already knew I had to obtain its İmza Sirküleri -- they've demanded it for the last couple years. This is a photocopy of the bank's official registration document which proves you aren't using some fake bank you just made up, you sneaky yabancı, to show you have the required amount of money in your account. I've never heard of anyone else having to provide this, but I keep a copy of it in my files so I don't have to keep asking the bank for it and having them stare blankly at me. I have yet to figure out what account document to ask the bank for that satisfies the YS. Some years I get the right one the first try. It has to show, I think, 450 TL for each month you want a permit (it's increased).
• A Notarized Copy of Your Lease: This new demand is nowhere on the YS website. It's not a big deal. Take your lease to a noter (make sure your name is on it, the address matches your current ikamet and I would make sure it's got at least a year on it, if that's how long your want your permit for), pay him/her 65 TL. In my experience, she copies it, places a thousand stamps on it and does not scrutinize it in any way or ask you any questions. Do with that information as you wish.
• Health Insurance: This is new. I would assume it has to be Turkish insurance (documents in any language other than Turkish tend not to be recognized by YS). I do not know what level of coverage is required -- my policy (in a document provided by my agent, but not stamped or notarized) was adequate, but the YS scrutinized it very closely and I've heard rumors they demand certain level of coverage. That's bad. This is worse:  Your policy has to cover the entire period of your ikamet renewal. For example, my insurance policy expires in November. It's May.  Therefore I only get an ikamet renewal until November. I get to DO THIS AGAIN IN SIX MONTHS. This information is rock solid. My insurance agent spoke on the phone to the polis guy when I was standing there and there's nothing to be done to extend the policy until it expires, according to my agent.

So, you've got the documents, as required on 13 May 2014 by the Beyoğlu Yabancı Şubesi, and you submit them.  Once you have everything, it's not complicated; the same as the last year or two. To their credit, they give you 15 days to collect the new documents and come back without making another appointment. That's appreciated. You can just show up, and, if the right guy happens to be there, they'll accept them, collate/stamp them and send you out to pay the fees.

• PAY PAY PAY: There's a new level of payment demanded --50 TL "for the book," which I already have so why do I need another there comes a point when you just shut up and take it -- which you have to pay for on the third floor of the Beyoğlu legal building on İstiklal, near Galatasaray. No signs, go to the end of the long hall past all the public health offices (??!!) where there's an unfriendly old Vezne guy behind bars. Give him the documents and 50 TL; he gives you a receipt. Annoying, but easy. Then make your way to the Vergi Dairesi in Şişhane -- same as the last few years -- go upstairs to get a printout, take it downstairs, go to whatever payment window will take you and give them 115 TL (for an American, six months renewal).  They give you a receipt. I have always found the Vergi Dairesi to be friendly and cooperative with the occasional helpful English speaker. That's sounds counterintuitive, but it's a fact.

You thought there were no more surprises, right? Wrong. Deliver your documents and receipts back to the police.

CB "So, when can I pick it up?

YS: You don't. It goes to Ankara and they mail it back to you."

CB: "Mail? Really? When will they do that?"

YS: "I don't know. You can call them and ask."

I have found my ikamet confers few meaningful benefits, other than allowing me to enter and leave the country without hassle, which I do frequently and I have a low tolerance for airport hassle. What happens when I don't have that ikamet and I want to leave the country? Stand by! We'll find out on Friday morning.

Trust that the internet will be the first to know.

 

Ask Carpetblogger: How Do I Really Show Off My Turkey Expertise?

Dear Carpetblogger:

I'm a writer and I will soon arrive in Turkey to cover the Gezi Park protests -- super excited. I haven't been there since my fellowship in 2001! I'd like to ask your advice because I really want make sure my stories break new ground and demonstrate my deep understanding of modern Turkey. It shouldn't be too hard to stand out, right? I mean, it's not like there's anyone there already writing anything useful. Most Turks speak English, right? Where do I buy a gas mask?

Thanks!

Big Foot

Dear BF:

Hoş geldiniz (welcome!). We here at Carpetblog World Headquarters are thrilled that you've submitted the question because we've been dying to offer our advice on this topic but no one has ever asked. 

What follows here are some phrases and visuals that we strongly suggest you include in your stories. They will go a long way to showing that you can both nail Istanbul's sense of place after just 36 hours and still grab a refreshing Efes at one of Beyoğlu's charming outdoor cafes.

We respect you too much to suggest you get some variation of "Turkish delight" or "bridge between east and west" in your headline or lede. Any intern can get that right. We do suggest you soak in the carnival-like atmosphere at Gezi Park and find a couple of locals -- one in a headscarf, the other in a mini-skirt --walking around arm in arm. It may be hard to find the headscarf girl at this particular event but don't give up easily. At the moment, there is no minaret at Taksim to complete the miniskirt visual. Shouldn't be too long before one gets built but don't make that mistake now. Embarassing.

Istanbul is a mixing pot of cultures: It doesn't matter that the Armenians mysteriously disappeared after World War I, the Greeks and Jews left in the 1950's and the Kurds are only just now starting to descend from the mountains. Europe! Asia! Continents meeting! That's all you need to say. It remains a powerful metaphor that can't be used too often.

Street cats: OMG cats! They're everywhere in Istanbul and are so cute and healthy-looking too. More pictures please! Maybe a tumblr with lots of moody hipstamatic vignetting and oversaturation, if you have extra time.

Pronunciation of Erdoğan's name: That little "g" with a hat is hard to pronounce correctly. Just harden it. No one will notice.

Gezi Park is central Istanbul's last park: It would be too hard in this heat to walk downhill to Tophane Park (which is small but has trees and grass), or north a few blocks to Maçka park (big, with trees and grass) or to Sanatkalar Park (which has grass and junkies, but no trees). Gezi Park has been variously (and acrimoniously) described as a few square blocks full of rats, used condoms, tinercis, homeless, concrete, a few trees, some trees, thousands of trees, and, as of very recently, dirty hippies. Go ahead and shorthand all that and refer to it the Hyde Park of Istanbul. We know what you mean.

Explain How X Event Affects Turkey's Chances to Join the EU: Turkey's highest aspiration is not to be a regional power broker with a booming economy and a bursting middle class, but rather be France and Germany's redheaded stepchild tasked with bailing out Greece, Spain, Italy and Portugal. Some handwringing about its accession prospects is never unwelcome.

The Inherent Melancholy (hüzün) of Istanbul: Go hang out in Nişantaşı and talk to some Kemalists despondent over the headscarves driving Rangerovers. That's some serious gloom for you.

Carpetblog is here to make sure that you don't fall into common traps that have embarrassed your colleagues behind their backs at dinner parties for years. You can thank us later.

If you really want to see how it's done, follow on twitter @Aylajean, @Piotr_zalewski, @theTurkishLife, @JoeWSJ, @AChristieMiller, @aaronstein1, @FinkelAndrew, @Hugh_Pope, @RoyGutmanMcC, @aylushka_a, @BenjaminHarvey, even though none of them ever listen to Carpetblog advice.*

*No, really, those guys are the bosses of this story -- correspondents and freelancers alike, many of whom are Friends of Carpetblog -- and they are reporting their asses right off. Mad props to them. Lots of others are too! No hate! Some even report in languages we don't speak. We're pretty sure they're awesome too, but are looking for some outside confirmation first.

 

Ask Carpetblogger: What's in your Köfte?

When not watching Russian dashcam videos, we have been following the European horsemeat scandale with enthusiasm. Despite having had a close relationship with a number quality equines, we don't really object to the consumption of horsemeat and have eaten our share of it in Central Asia where it's a staple. We're a bit bothered, however, by the mislabeling and the corruption of the industrial meat supply chain. And since we do live in Europe, we've wondered how, if at all, such problems plague the Turkish meat supply.

Everyone knows that the propensity to skimp on quality to save a few kuruş is not part of the Turkish national character. Even so, beef is expensive in Turkey. How can places serve a 7TL plate of köfte (meatballs) for lunch?

Unless.....

 

Kedi used for illustrative purposes only. He's too tough for Kediköfte, anyway

 

Even though we already know the answer, we, and our friends, have wondered aloud why some Turkish journalist hasn't done a random sample of döner kebab and published the results. Could it also be because no one really wants to know what's in a 5TL döner? But think of the upside! There could be pork in it! And, frankly, are people who regularly eat kokoreç going to be all that upset about finding a bit of at eti (horsemeat) in their (F)Atburger? It's not like it's you're going to find pig anus in your calamari here, right?

Unlike our friends at Istanbul Eats, we've never developed a taste for the late-night Taksim delicacy işlak (wet) burger, a garlicky 'beef patty" marinated in grease and tomato sauce, marketed primarily to people leaving bars at 3 am. At 2TL each, discovering those are made of horsemeat, rather than the much more readily available and economical sıçan eti, would actually be a huge relief.

Ask Carpetblogger: Is Alcohol Apartheid Coming to Istanbul?

Dear Carpetblogger:

I recently read an article with that exact headline and I got worried! Is a minority attempting to use legislation to limit the rights of a majority in Istanbul? That sounds crazy to me, especially regarding booze. I am curious what you think.

An Istanbul Drinker

Dear Drinker:

We here at Carpetblog saw that article too and it worried us for a couple reasons. First, is Eurasianet (which we typically love, so no hate!) so tone-deaf that using the term "apartheid" in a headline for a story about restrictions on drinking in a Muslim country sounded like a good idea? Good clickbait but that's a regrettable word choice.

It also concerns us because the article falls into traps set by the typical secular vs. religious debate framework and fails to break any new or important ground on an interesting topic with broader implications. Eurasianet is usually better than that.

And, it concerns us because people's panties get more twisted about their inability to drink Efes anytime, anywhere than the lack of transparency and ongoing erosion of rule of law in Turkey.

Yabancilar and hysterical secularists tend to point to a couple examples that "prove" alcohol is getting harder to consume in Istanbul. The media (not just Eurasianet) tend to repeat these examples to bolster the case that the Islamists have arrived in Beyoğlu, ignoring how the claims fit into the larger -- and much more complicated -- narrative of what's happening in Turkey right now. An argument could be made that restrictions on alcohol consumption in Turkey are increasing (such as increased taxes) but, in our view, none of these commonly cited cases fully support it.

We shall address these claims. They include:

The Outdoor Seating Fatwa: The outdoor seating ban has made social life in Beyoğlu grim. We hate it with the white-hot passion of 1000 suns. But is it really designed to curb drinking? We have never been convinced it is, in whole. If it is, then why is it so unevenly applied? In our observation, it applies to both teahouses (see: Kartal Sokak) and bars/restaurants alike. Why is outdoor seating -- with alcohol -- allowed in Talımhane, Karaköy, Nevizade (where it was never banned) and on Galata Meydan? Why does it affect Beyoğlu and not other AKP-run municipalities, like Sultanahmet/Fatih, which are much more conservative? To us, it seems like more of an arbitrary and non-transparent application of a "law" or someone's poorly thought out reponse to a real problem (illegal tables blocking sidewalks) than an attack on outdoor drinking, which frankly, is a lot more troubling.

The Efes Festival Skirmish: No question, this epic battle was over serving beer at the Efes-sponsored One Love music festival last month at Santralistanbul on the Bilgi campus in Fatih. We were at a concert a week later at the same venue at which no beer -- except the alkoholsuz variety, the only possible way Efes could be made worse -- was served. It looks like the conservative residents of Fatih who object to beer drinking so close to the holy Eyüp mosque the week before Ramazan scored the point, right?

But wait!

Fifty meters from the entrance to the concert venue, you could buy as much beer as you wanted at Bilgi University's campus bars, including one set up outside solely devoted to dispensing beer. So, is drinking not allowed in Fatih now or does the ban only apply to concerts at Santral? Is Bilgi shutting down all its bars or is it exempt? Why or why not? What about drinking in Sultanahmet, which is also part of Fatih and is close to holy Eyüp? Who or what is making these decisions and according to what authority?

Instead of looking into the issue further, the Eurasianet story repeated yawn-inducing CHP boilerplate and Pasha Erdoğan's typically incendiary quotes about the corruption of youth, but didn't actually talk to anyone who sells booze in Fatih to see if they face new restrictions, such as -- just a non-journalist thinking out loud here -- Bilgi University. It sounds to us like the same issue: the arbitrary application of some "law" or someone's poorly thought out solution to a problem. Or, it could be an ad-hoc response designed to placate a mob and provoke media hysteria. Either way, it succeeded and is much more troubling than the issue of "can I drink beer at a concert?"

The Routing of the Tower Drinkers: A few months ago, the nightly crowd of young drinkers got booted from the area around the base of the Galata Tower. Frankly, we were not opposed to this. In the mornings the area reeks of piss and vomit and fights are frequent. Hurriyet Daily News framed the debate-- as it is contractually obligated  -- as a battle between conservative yobs who are offended by public drinking and sexing (Sorry about that! Won't happen again!) and freedom-loving intellectuals, rather than regular people who are pissed off by drunks making a lot of noise below their bedrooms at night. The area around the tower is now cordoned off with police tape so no one can sit there -- day or night, tourists or young drinkers alike. Outrage! Another sign of  "alcohol apartheid."

Except the drinkers have moved 20 meters east and number twice as many because there's a lot more room for them. Now, hundreds of young people sit on the steps of Galata Meydan every night, drinking beer, cracking sunflower seeds and smoking cloves. No one seems to care. Is it an alcohol crackdown or flawed implementation of a response to an actual problem? It's easier just to say "booze crackdown!" than to look closer at the problem, which to us, is no-brainer but didn't actually get solved.

The Midnight Sign Genocide: This article about the city removing signs from restaurants and bars in the middle of the night is mystifying in ways only an article in Hurriyet Daily News can be: torturous use of language, zero sources and factually impossible claims. We live near Galipdede and Galata -- two of the areas mentioned where the sign massacre took place -- and not only are there no bars and very few restaurants beyond tourist-oriented büfes on Galipdede, plenty of ugly signs remain.

Has anyone in the English-language (or Turkish for that matter) press spoken to a proprietor whose sign got taken down? What, exactly, was the nature of the anticipated mayhem cited by HDN that forced city officials to take signs down in the middle of the night?  Could there be another explanation for signs being removed besides "alcohol apartheid?" Thank god Eurasianet found a media studies teacher at Bilgi to illuminate the issue:

"'In Beyoğlu, they [authorities] don’t say [anything] directly, but the right to drink alcohol in public places is diminishing, and that is an entertainment area,' said Gokhan Tan, a media studies teacher at Istanbul Bilgi University."

Sigh.

The neighborhood, as far as we can tell, is still lousy with fucking ugly signage and you can still drink in as many places as before, including right there on Galata Meydan in at least two different restaurants (as well as on the steps). If there is a jihad planned against Pizza Corner and the new Best Coffee Cafe on Galata Meydan for violation of good taste, however, we would very much like to join it.

Many cities in North America and Europe regulate alcohol consumption -- when, where, to whom and what booze is consumed or sold -- as a matter of course, mostly to maintain quality of life. It's really not that big of a deal. But in Turkey, clumsy implementation, a lack of transparency and a slippery interpretation of rule of law result in a tendency to reduce every policy debate to the simplistic "secularists vs AKP" dynamic despite plenty of evidence there *might* be something more at work. The spazzy local media has little incentive to look into the issues more deeply but that doesn't excuse the foreigners.

While we are troubled about the direction Turkey and Istanbul have taken over the past year or two, we are not one who sees an Islamist under every rock. What concerns us more are the steps taken back toward paternalistic authoritarianism, crony capitalism and one non-transparent set of laws that applies to regular people and another that applies to the elite. This has nothing to do with Islamism and tends to get obscured by stupid debates over whether or not you can drink beer in Beyoğlu.

Ask Carpetblogger: Are Boats Cool?

Dear Carpetblogger:

Wow, it's super hot in Istanbul in July. I am looking for a cool way to hang out with my friends, avoid the skeezy masses who flock to Istanbul's dirty, crappy beaches and hotel pools filled with Saudis and generate stories to tell for weeks after. I have no idea what sort of activity fulfills these criteria, but I have heard spending the day on the Bosporus on a boat can be fun. Do you have any thoughts?

Hugs,

Hot and Cranky

Hot and cranky is right! We are sort of specialists in finding the best way to spend a hot summer day in places. Boat days on the Bosporus are like outdoor movies in NYC or rain at Bumbershoot in Seattle: the essential summer experience.  We highly recommend finding a boat, renting it and spending a weekday cruising the Bosporus with your best under-employed friends. Barring that, weekends are good too, with people you have met before.

Here are some things you need, learned from our own experience, that will help make your day on the Bosporus a success.

A Boat: Finding a boat to rent is easy. Walk along the water in Kuruçeşme and you will find many

This is a fancy boat

different options available, depending on your budget (a boat usually runs 1000-1500 TL for a day, depending on your boat, route and amount of time). Or ask people you know for recommendations because people have opinions about boats and love to share them. You could rent the flashy wood and brass trimmed traditional gullet that holds 15 people, max, and has no sound system, that you think will impress the young ladiez. Or, you could get a retrofitted ferry or fishing boat with an astroturf dancing deck on which no one cares if red wine is spilled and a kickin' sound system for your Robyn covers. Which boat do you think impresses us?

 

Rogue Elements: All successful boat trips need a rogue element, maybe two. A rogue element is someone, who will, on a 20TL bet, jump into the Halıç, a more disgusting and polluted body of water than the Marmara.  Rogue elements are most often people who have been in war-zones or living in the former Soviet Union. Among the latter, what regular people would consider "roguish behavior" is just called "Tuesday night." So gird your loins and find those people. Barring that, get a couple of Scandinavians. They can be unpredictable.

Rogue Elements: Maximum capacity exceeded

Charcoal:  Most boats have a BBQ on board. The boat crew will cook and serve the fish and kofte you bring with you, unless you forget to bring the charcoal. You'll only make that mistake once.

Special Cocktails: People on boats want Efes, Angora or Buzbağ even less than they do at every other moment of the day so be clever. We bring a bottle of Malibu on every trip but it seems people want to drink that even less than they want to drink Angora. Red State Sibling created the "Texas Surprise" for one memorable trip last summer, the ingredients of which to this day remain a mystery. Peach and pineapple margaritas were a huge hit on a recent boat day but require a high-quality American-style cooler, which can be hard to come by. Don't forget the ice!

A Nice Swimming Place: We broadly define "nice" as meaning mostly "upstream from Istanbul." Someone needs to explain the appeal of the Princes Islands to us. We have lived here for six years and still do not understand why people ride packed ferries full of shrieking children to crowded islands with filthy water and overpriced, crappy food. They're not much better if you have your own boat, unless you visit a more isolated cove the middle of the night which is a different and somewhat atypical experience that you should try once when it's not really windy. We like to cruise up the Bosporus and park for the day in one of the coves past Anadolu Hısarı. There, you can enjoy pure radioactive water from Ukraine that has yet to be sullied by Istanbul sewage.

Solo Cups: Solo cups, which can only be imported from America, are critical for all parties, especially boat days. You can live without silverware; you cannot live without solo cups. We have stopped speaking to people who have thrown them in the trash.

Ghetto boat has dance floor

 

It should be mentioned that organizing a boat day can be a burden, what with the average 10-15 people invited on a boat day all having strongly-held opinions, ancient rivalries and competing agendas. The potential for drama or hurt feelings can be high.  Organizers deal with this in different ways, ranging from complicated spreadsheets to complete abdication of all organizational duties, or, from passive aggression to open hostility. You should probably have a sense, in advance, of how your boat-organizer approaches the job to avoid disappointment. But, regardless, boats are almost always fun.

 

 

 

 

Ask Carpetblogger: Should I buy Property In Istanbul?

 Dear Carpetblogger:

I know that Istanbul is the bridge between East and West and I love Orhan Pamuk. I would love to get a cool loft with a melancholic Bosporus view, maybe in Cihangir or Çukurcuma, which all the papers keep telling me OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER are the Brooklyn of Istanbul and super bohemian. That sounds like me! Tell me your secrets!

Aspiring Real Estate Mogul

Dear Aspiring:

Unlike many topics on which we offer opinions, this is one we know something about. HOLY SHIT, do we have strong opinions about it (making it no different, in reality, from topics about which we know very little).

Here's a bit of background. In a past life, we were part of a legally recognized, now dissolved, partnership that believed, with uniquely American ferventness, that "renting is stupid."

In July 2007, we liquidated holdings which, had we not, would have been lost six months later in what became known as the "great American experiment with privatization of wealth/socialization of risk." We bought an Ottoman-era wood frame house on a mostly nice, sometimes violent, sokak in Çukurcuma. This was not dumb. It was a lovely house and, except for the last two years during which we were tortured by near-constant construction and some other, unrelated problems, we very much liked living in it. After four years we sold the house at a profit. On the surface, it worked out great.

The profit, however, was not commensurate with the risk taken. Accordingly, we would not consider buying in Istanbul again.

Before you think about buying property here (or anywhere in Turkey), ask yourself some questions.

• Do I think it's important to follow rules?
• Do I expect that laws will be applied equally to everyone?
• Do I expect contracts to be upheld?
• Do I believe people who are trying to sell/help me buy property are telling something approximating the truth and are looking out for my interests?
• Do I believe that, if someone damages something that belongs to me, I should have recourse in courts of law?
• Am I a stupid yabancı?

If the answer to any one of those is "yes," you should proceed with extreme caution.

The following issues have affected us personally or have affected close friends. We've heard about lots of other problems but writing about them all would turn this into a 5000 word post. Here are the top ones.

Ownership: One thing that makes our experience a bit different than that of others who are buying now is that, from late 2006 to July 2011, foreigners were not allowed to purchase Beyoğlu property in their own names. This is no longer the case. During that time, however, the Beyoğlu Belediyesi, in violation of Turkish law and without warning or explanation, did not transfer deeds to foreigners (there is no legal barrier to foreigners owning most properties in Turkey). Our Turkish lawyer owned our house and NOT ONCE did he try to steal it. He was nothing but professional and trustworthy, mostly. However, we would never do this again. Had he decided to steal our house, there was very little we could have done about it.

Do not, under any circumstances, even look at a property without a clear chain of ownership. This is a problem in parts of Beyoğlu where a lot of Greek and Armenian owners "left town in a hurry," vacating lovely properties that are now "owned" by the Anatolian migrants who "moved in." Sure, apartments have high ceilings and beautiful frescoes and are probably a bargain. If you can't establish ownership through the tapu (deed) office, which is relatively easy (check it with your own eyes!), don't buy.

Emlakcıs: How can you tell if a carpet seller is lying? His lips are moving. The same logic should be applied to emlakcıs, Turkish "real estate agents." They are guys (but also ladies) whose main qualification to broker property sales is their ability to obtain keys to all the apartments for rent/sale on a particular street and never, ever shower. They are a scourge.

Emlakcıs are unlicensed and unregulated. Your operating assumption should be "they are going to rip me off in every possible way." Understand that they are in no way looking out for your interests, assume every listing on their website or office window is a bait and switch, never give them any money up front for any reason and never agree to any "fee" they say is "obligatory." There is no such thing as a multiple listing service, properties you see on sahibinden.com ("by owner") are usually put there by emlakcıs and the six percent "commission" they demand is bullshit. We can think of one or two whom we trust but have been screwed by many others. Since emlakcıs usually cannot be avoided, we recommend taking the most aggressive/defensive stance possible when dealing with them. These principles apply to renting as well as buying.

Construction: Never buy or rent near a vacant lot or derelict building. We have lived next to five. Four of them have undergone major construction projects through which we have suffered/are currently suffering. Istanbul is growing and changing and this will affect you --as a buyer or a renter -- eventually in at least two ways. 

Pouring cement at 11:30 pm on a Saturday

First, obviously, is noise and general disruption. Believe it or not, Istanbul has laws that govern construction hours. Believe it or not, these rules are routinely ignored. Builders evade the Zabita (civil police) by using their backhoes or pouring cement at midnight on a Sunday. Can you do anything about it except rage? Probably not. The average shitty concrete five-floor monstrosity takes about 6-12 months to build. Did you know pneumatic jackhammers are used 10+ hours a day for building? They most certainly are. The presence of unregulated construction nearby will affect your ability to live in, rent out or sell your place.

Second, if you own a building next to a construction site, you have no recourse if it is damaged by builders, which it will be. Ordinary people -- especially foreigners -- do not have easy access to civil courts.  We decided never to own property in Istanbul while watching a backhoe dig a pit beneath the foundation of our small wooden house, knowing that if our house fell into this pit, all our money would be gone and we would not get it back. You have no recourse. Dump trucks hauling debris smashed into the exterior walls every day for weeks. The construction crew just laughed at us when we complained. They laughed less when we threatened their truck headlights with a hammer but they didn't stop hitting the house with trucks. You have no recourse. Except, maybe your hammer.

Capricious application of laws: Assume that because you are a stupid yabancı, laws will apply to you that do not apply to anyone else. Guess who is going to get shut down by the belediyesi: the yabancı carefully replacing the windows on his own historic house for which he has permission or the construction firm ripping up historic buildings at midnight with a backhoe?

Also, keep in the back of your mind, that if you buy a property today, next week some arbitrary fiat may make it difficult to sell (see above about ownership).

Contracts: So you signed an agreement with an emlakcı or with your buyer/seller? Congratuations. It's pretty meaningless. There is no mechanism to enforce it, except the good faith you used when you signed it and that the other party almost certainly lacked. It doesn't protect you. If the seller wants to take your deposit and not sell you the house or raise the price 20%, there's not a lot you can do about it.

On the other hand, you're not bound to it, either. We verbally agreed to sell our house to a buyer, then backed out at the last minute when it looked like he planned to screw us. It was a total dick move, for sure, but, other than sending some nasty emails, there was nothing he could do about it. It is the only time the lack of recourse has worked in our favor. At the time it was stressful, but once we got over the need to follow rules that no one else does, we felt good about it. We gave his deposit back because we are stupid yabancıs. We didn't have to.

Taxes: Without getting into a lot of detail, there are several things to know about the tax situation in Beyoğlu. First, buyers and sellers have been evading property taxes and capital gains taxes in Istanbul for time immemorial by lying on the deeds about the selling/buying prices. Second, the Belediyesi and mortgage companies are starting to figure this out. Third, as a foreigner, you are going to get nailed at some point in some expensive and/or catastrophic way. Don't listen to sellers or emlakcıs who say "this is the way it's done." Insist on doing it legally. Someday, the city will figure out you didn't pay 20,000TL for your apartment like it says on the deed and some chickens will come home to roost. (Is this scenario imaginable to you? It is to us. "Hi, I'm from the city and we're starting a redevelopment project in your neighborhood so we're buying up properties. Your deed says it's worth 20,000 TL -- about $11,000 -- so here's 20,000TL. What a bargain! Kthnxbai.")

You might be the kind of person who doesn't worry about these things, or you are comfortable navigating this sort of risk environment, or you don't care that much about losing a couple of hundred thousand dollars, or you have a lot of fixers and lawyers and Chechens at your disposal or you don't hear construction noise because you are deaf. If so, go nuts. Buy property in Istanbul. You might make some some money. You might never hear jackhammers at 830 am on a Sunday. You might meet Orhan Pamuk.

In other words, your mileage may vary, but you were warned.

Ask Carpetblogger: How Can Ukraine Increase its Appeal to Futbol Hooligans? NSFW, BTW

Dear Carpetblogger,

The Eurocup 2012 soccer tournament in Ukraine this year is finding that they have sold only half the tickets they should have by now. European soccer hooligan wannabes are blanching at the 500 Euro per night for three star crapotels. My question for you...don't Ukrainians realize that if they don't charge reasonable prices, nobody will come?

Yours truly,

Kpic

Dear Kpic:

Thanks for the question! We know that you, like us, care about both Ukraine and futbol so we're going to answer this question with more than the usual care and seriousness.

As you probably know, Carpetblogger devoted much of her youth to selling things no one wants, namely, Democrats. Therefore, we are uniquely positioned to help Ukraine address its issues.

Ukraine's government is run by a breathtakingly corrupt cabal of thugs, its economy is near collapse and its sullenly incompetent service sector is woefully unprepared to meet the high standards in cuisine and accommodation demanded by sophisticated world futbol fans. These negatives are hard to overcome, it's true. But Ukraine is not without natural advantages. As a market research professional, we encourage Ukraine to play to its strengths.

Ask Carpetblogger: Should I bring Turkish wine to a party?

First question! It's a very important one.

Dear Carpetblogger:

Booze is so expensive in Turkey! I know I should be polite and bring something to drink to dinner and parties but I am a young freelancer and have no money. Is it ever ok to bring Turkish wine or will I be shunned like a slutty Amish girl?

Potential Pariah

 

Dear Pariah:

This is possibly the most vexing etiquette dilemma facing party-goers in Istanbul today. Since Istanbul Eats has slogged into the Turkish wine debate with a new column that should be called OK, This One's Not That Bad, your question is more timely than ever.  It's wise to seek guidance.

Carpetblogger has long held that Turkish wine is the best of the Black Sea region, if you don't count Georgian and Bulgarian, and, some have argued -- but we don't necessarily agree -- Moldovan. We also believe that, while Muslims excel in many things, including hair removal and cooking meat on a stick, making liquor is not one of them.

Even we are willing to admit that Turkish wine is better than it used to be. It is possible to find a reasonably priced bottle that won't make you sick (if you do find one, buy it by the case). Some people may vociferously object to the following advice, but we here at Ask Carpetblogger are pragmatists and sympathize with the poor prole drinker. The short answer, is "sure, go ahead, bring Turkish wine but proceed with caution."

Our caveats:

• Because of taxes and other Muslim what-nots, wine is stupid expensive in Turkey. Plus, there's the "if it's expensive it must be good" developing world elitny surcharge. Just because a bottle of Turkish wine is expensive, doesn't mean it's any good. It may, at the high end, be drinkable but it's still probably a terrible value. There are an increasing number of decent wines being produced by vintners on some of the Aegean Islands, and we would look them up and tell you what they are but you have google too. If you really, really, really want to try Turkish wine, go to one of these places. [update: be careful at Sensus at Galata -- we and people we know have bought skunked whites there and they can be tetchy about taking it back, even when it looks like urine and tastes like rotten vinegar. Most staff is not terribly knowledgeable, either.] They'll let you sample different varietals and explain which goes best with beyaz peynir and sucuk. Still, if you're going to drop some cash on a bottle that you're hoping will get you some action, do not buy Turkish. 

• Do not bring any bottle of Turkish wine that costs less than 10 TL. It is wine-colored poison. You will be judged, harshly and publicly.

• Buy the best bottle of imported you can afford. You'll probably have to go to a wine shop, since supermarket/tekel supplies can be limited. Most wine shops usually have some off-brand French or Italian plonk for 20TL or less. It's still a ridiculous price for crap wine, but will be better than a Turkish label at the same price, guaranteed.

• Think of how much more popular you'll be if you bring something imported and unusual, even if it's cheap. Spanish? Sure. Italian? Great. Even Bulgarian gets an A for effort. Greek, if you must. Stuffing your baggage and maxing out at duty free is part of the social contract. Do your part.

• Do not, under any circumstances, bring local and drink imported. Some hostesses are implementing a colored wristband system at parties as a mechanism to publicly shame those who bring Buzbağ and drink Bordeaux. Some of those people are impossible to shame, however. They know who they are.

Before you go and say "Carpetblogger, why are you such a fucking snob?" (uh, why water is wet?), let us be clear that we do not discriminate against cheap wine. We LOVE cheap wine. We just hate shitty wine in general and expensive shitty wine in particular. Maybe someday Turkish wine will be as good as Greek wine and we'll have to find a new target.

In the meantime, if you're invited to a sangria or mulled wine party chez Carpetblogger you know that there's an oversupply of Angora, Buzbağ and Deluca. The next day will be rough. We call it payback.

 

 

 

A New Carpetblog Feature! Ask An Expat

Inspiration often comes from the unlikeliest sources. Carpetblog recently came across the NYT  India Ink blog's new "Agony Auntie"  feature, designed to help expats in India avoid embarrassment. We thought "How useful! We know lots of people who could benefit from something like that. Someone should do it for Turkey." 

So, we reached out to The Unaccompanied Lady. Because there are few expat issues on which Carpetblogger and Unaccompanied Lady do not have informed opinions and because we agree on nearly everything, this will be a joint venture. We plan to distinguish ourselves from India Ink's feature by making it clear from the outset that helping expats -- especially people we know -- avoid embarrassment is low on our list of objectives. Also, it won't be lame.

In the unlikely event we can't answer a question, or make up a sufficient response, we will outsource questions to our stable of experts with specialized knowledge of things, such as Borko or Red State Sibling, or other secret, surprise guests whom we have yet to identify (but we have ideas! If you'd like to be considered, send a detailed CV and salary requirements).

Here are some Frequently Asked Questions about this new feature:

What qualifies Carpetblogger for this role? It was our idea, stolen from elsewhere. Therefore, we're best qualified.

What topics will you address? A better question is what topics will we NOT address. The Carpetblog/Unaccompanied Lady areas of expertise include -- but are not limited to -- coping with bureaucracy, birth, breastfeeding and child rearing, primates, music, intercultural understanding, cooking, bribing, sex, dating and relationships, cattle, fashion, current affairs, fine dining, developing cultural sensitivity, ethics, importing pork and liquor, languages and Crapistan.

What topics will you not address? Boring topics. If you want travel advice for Turkey, there's this great new service called google. Try it today!

Will question-askers remain anonymous? Only if the benefit of revealing your identity outweighs your desire to not be humiliated.

Do questions have to be from/about Turkey or from Expats? Of course not! We welcome questions from around the world from all types of people.

How can we submit questions?  The world of social media is vast. You can send an SMS, use the contact Carpetblog email link on the blog (but sometimes we forget to check that one), talk to us in the ladies' room at a bar, use Facebook, @Carpetblogger1 or @Unaccompanylady on Twitter, leave it in the comments or use telepathy. It's up to you.

So beat the rush! Send your questions in today. We'll be choosing among the best ones this week!

 

Ask Carpetblogger: How do I Buy a Carpet in Istanbul?

Short answer: Don't.*

*Obviously, this advice is targeted at the casual carpetbuyer. Of course, if you know something about carpets and you are wealthy, you know where to go.  There are plenty of reputable dealers in Istanbul who carry lovely and very expensive antique and new pieces. We're talking to people who visit Istanbul, who are not rich, don't know much about carpets and want a nice souvenir of their visit.

Go ahead, keep whining.

I want to buy a carpet when I visit Istanbul and don't want to get ripped off. Help meeeee.

Sigh.

OK, do it if you must, but there are some things to keep in mind.

You need to know what you're not buying. Very, very little that you will see in the Eighth Circle of Hell (known locally as the Grand Bazaar) is actually made in Turkey (the same goes for practically everything else in the GB). Labor is simply too expensive here to mass produce cheap carpets and kilims, so most of them come from Pakistan (nearly all cheap carpets are Baloch), Iran and, it may surprise you, China.

A dealer in Islamabad recently explained this China angle to us and a Turkish kilim designer confirmed it.  The only thing Turkish about those carpets are the design. The wool comes from New Zealand or Australia and the dyes are probably some combination of melamine and spit. Apparently they are made in huge factories on looms lined up side-by-side with a foreman who calls out rhythmic weaving instructions, like the master on a slave ship (that is the analogy he used!). We would like to go to China to see this.

Mossmaniac and Carpetblogger spent the better part of the last two days in the Grand Bazaar (Carpet College!), in the belly of the beast as it were, trying to understand where all this crap comes from and how to identify it. We were lucky to find a dealer who was so clueless about his own stock and our poorly concealed mocking of it to not notice we were only looking at it so we could understand the nature of the odd colors and strange patterns that don't typically appear in Anatolian weaving and scritchy textures that feel like astroturf. China!

The rest of his stuff was cheap crap that's produced by the ton in Pakistan, with which we have more than a passing familiarity. That information had to be drug out of him. This experience discouraged us and made us hate the Grand Bazaar more than usual. Ask if the carpet you like is made in Pakistan or China or Iran. If you like it, you shoudn't care. But!

How can I tell if a carpetseller is lying? His lips are moving.

Do you have a dealer in Istanbul you recomnend? No.* Contrary to everything written above, it is possible to find older genuinely Turkish carpets or kilims in the greater Grand Bazaar area, if that's your bag. We suggest finding an older guy sitting in his shop drinking tea (most young touts have no idea what they're selling) and ask him to show you "something special." He'll take you into a back room, or open up a cupboard and you will feel like you found the Holy Grail. Your heart will beat faster, and you will feel faint. You will feel that the last six hours of hazing -- of listening to some maganda tell you that if the fringe is braided, it means a virigin wove the carpet and that cremesicle orange is a natural dye --  were simply the price of admission to carpet heaven. You will believe again in the zen of harmonious colors, tribal patterns and handspun wool.

Then the guy tells you that beautiful 70 year old yahyali is $6000 and you will laugh. You will say, "I heart Pakistan."

*But a Carpetblog recommendation be bought. Have you met us?

This is why Carpetblogger does not carpetshop in Istanbul. Cheap carpets are crappy and nice carpets are stupid expensive. We prefer to buy both in Islamabad these days.

"But Carpetblogger!" you plea, "I want to buy a carpet in Istanbul, not Islamabad." Ok, fine. What do we know about you and your taste? Don't listen to us. Do it. Buy something you like that reminds you of your nice visit here and makes you happy when you look at it on your bedroom floor. Don't believe one word you're told about its origin or quality, unless you're told "it was made by a Chinese slave in Guangzhou using spit and melamine dye," because that would be awesome and probably true. Don't pay a lot of money for it and bargain like, uh, a person who doesn't like to be ripped off by skeezy carpetdealers in the Grand Bazaar (you probably won't get better than 20% off, though). Be happy with your new carpetfriend and don't worry that you got ripped off because you totally did.

Coming soon! The Metaphysics of Textile Purchases: A Carpetblog Manifesto.