Carpetblogger

Carpetblog Claims Credit*: Everything I Know About Azerbaijan I Learned From Watching Deadwood

I wish I'd seen Deadwood before I went to Baku. Maybe another day I'll write a post on how watching the Godfather taught me all I needed to know about clan politics in Azerbaijan -- Carpetblogger, March 2007

Apparently, according to the Wikileaks, the former US DCM in Baku compared Ilham Aliyev to Michael/Sonny Corleone in the Godfather in a cable in September 2009. This has gotten a lot of play! Because it is true! We said it a long time ago! Must credit Carpetblog!

But it's more true that living in Baku is just like living in Deadwood, a boomtown in the HBO program of the same name, which may be the best show that has been on television, ever. We were slavishly devoted to it, just as we once were to Alias, Flight of the Conchords, Nurse Jackie, and most recently, Gavin and Stacey, which are all good but not as profane.

Way back in March 2007, we compared Baku to Deadwood, here. The Godfather is also an apt comparison, but Deadwood is much better. The DCM probably read our post and agreed, but had to choose a more culturally accessable reference point.  The brilliant dialogue in Deadwood, which has been described as Shakespearean and used the word fuck 43 times in the first hourlong episode, demonstrates the grammatic versatility of the word "cocksucker." It probably didn't get a wide audience in Foggy Bottom.

It should have.

*We're pretty confident that this is the only time Carpetblogger should have appeared in a cable from Azerbaijan.

 

 

This Just In: Scotland Reacts to Azeri Whisky Onslaught

SPEYSIDE-- Scottish whisky producers reacted switfly to news that Azerbaijan, known primarily as  the oasis between Iran and Chechnya, plans to begin distributing locally-produced whisky from the famed Tovuz-Baltiya distillery.

Presently, Tovuz-Baltiya is known primarily for its cognacs, which have been described by local experts as "the best in Ganja-Qazakh."

"We know that Muslims in general are known for the quality of their alcoholic beverages, and Azerbaijan, in particular, is noted for the "Seven Beauties" and "Karavansary" wine labels," said Scottish whisky spokesman William MacDougal. "We view this as a serious threat to our market share."

Recent reports claim the Azerbaijani distillery is going to target whisky drinkers in India and eastern Europe, where "they really know their single from their blended malts," said MacDougal.

Scottish whisky producers have adapted quickly to this shift in the marketplace. MacDougal, having recently travelled on Azal from London to Baku, added "peat and oak have become dated. We're exploring assfat and naptha, just to stay competitive."

 

 

Carpetblog Pre-Departure Briefing for David Plouffe's Trip to Baku

 No one knows better than Carpetblogger how to ingratiate oneself to an obscure, corrupt dictator with oil, so we're a little miffed Obama's campaign manager David Plouffe didn't call us before his upcoming trip to Azerbaijan.  Who hearts Baku more than Carpetblogger?

Anyhow, since he's visiting at the invitation of the Association for Civil Society Development, a government-created lobbying organization masquerading as an NGO and, as RFE/RL tactfully puts it, "government mouthpiece," he may not need our advice after all. We wonder if he might be there to discuss the fake exit poll the group commissioned for the 2005 parliamentary election that did so much to enhance Warren Mitofsky's reputation (it completely annoys us that Daria Vaisman's excellent TNR article about this story isn't online) and support the government line that it doesn't steal elections. Or maybe, even a Chicago political consultant can learn something about election stealing from the pros. But! We digress.

Here's our advice.*

• Azeris have the biggest poles.
• Watch out for Camel Toes!
• Be sure to check out the hip-hop scene.
• Maybe you might want to plan another junket after Disneyland-Azerbaijan and the Death Star/Caspian Asshole hotel opens.
• Azerbaijan is democratic and lawful. The signs say so.
• Azerbaijan has a thriving fashion industry. Maybe you can suggest Michelle chose something from the Atilla collection for the White House Correspondents' dinner.
• Obviously there are no hard feelings about the whole Chicago vs. Baku in 2016 thing.
• Don't miss Sumgayit. Bring your gas mask.

Remember, David, it's not selling out, it's buying in! We're glad GovAZ is establishing links with the new administration and we hope you're presented with some quality investment opportunities while there. Democracy is for chumps!

Ken Silverstein at Harpers has written at length about ASCD. He has updated his blog.

*If you think this post was just an excuse to link to old posts, you might be right. Those were the days when we actually liked this blog.

Ask Carpetblogger: Whose Pole Is Bigger? Azeris' or Gulf Arabs'?

For far too long, this has been a matter of speculation for us personally. But thankfully, the Wall Street Journal has done the legwork for us and determined that, at least for now, the Azeris have the biggest pole.

DUBAI -- David Chambers builds the tallest flagpoles in the world. His current client wants him to stop.

This month, Mr. Chambers is erecting a pole in the wind-swept Azerbaijan capital of Baku. At almost 532 feet, it will be the tallest flagpole on record. Azerbaijani officials, eager to savor the feat, have asked him to hold off building a taller pole for a year, he said.

Clients "always tell us they want this to be the last record," Mr. Chambers said from his small office in Dubai's sprawling port. "But they know, in general, that we're on a roll, and we're gonna build more poles."

A monster-flagpole building boom is sweeping across Central Asia and the Middle East, and Mr. Chambers, an American entrepreneur, is at the center of the frenzy. In the past eight years, he and his small company have built the world's four tallest "unsupported," or freestanding, flagpoles. The Baku pole will top all of them....

Last fall, the Azerbaijani government ordered a flagpole measuring 492 feet, enough to break the Aqaba record with plenty of pole to spare. But midway through construction, Mr. Chambers got a call from Baku.

He says he was told the country's president wanted to top North Korea's 525-foot-tall flagpole, near the border with South Korea. It sits atop a tower -- so it doesn't qualify for Guinness's "unsupported" category. But Azerbaijani officials wanted to beat it anyway. (The president's office said a spokesman wasn't available to comment, and officials didn't respond to emailed questions.)

Earlier this year, Turkmenistan cut a deal for its own tall pole. Mr. Chambers agreed to build one smaller than the Azerbaijani pole, which was already under construction. But he said he'd finish it quicker.

That way, Turkmenistan could hold the record for at least a few weeks. They got a discount because their record won't last, Mr. Chambers says. Turkmenian officials don't seem disappointed that it will be short-lived...

Mr. Romanos says his potential client is somewhere in the Middle East but doesn't want to be identified until construction starts. That's to keep neighbors from planning their own, taller poles.

"It's important that they keep the record as long as they can," Mr. Romanos says. "It's a pride thing."

Because if I was President of a country with pretty much unlimited resources, a medieval health care system, apocalyptic pollution and people still living in holes in the ground from a war I lost 15 years ago, the first thing I'd do to demonstrate my emergence on the world stage is erect the world's biggest flagpole.

Victoria Beckham Without the Class

Azerbaijan's First Lady, Mehriban Aliyeva's political career is on a rocket-like trajectory, according to a recent article. Her primary qualifications?

She looked like Audrey Hepburn as she greeted the attendees - her black hair was tied elegantly in a tight top knot, she wore makeup on her dark eyes, and her short-sleeved black dress had a round collar that left space to show off her glamorous pearl necklace and earrings

The article contrasts her with Ermine Erdoğan, the Turkish Prime Minister's wife who was wearing a headscarf at this conference, which de facto disqualifies her from serving as a role model for anyone. Alieyva served as a role model for me once, when I sat next to her at a dinner and watched her not visibly react when the wife of the US Ambassador talked about how she and her husband used to go on dates at nude beaches.

Based on simple stereotypes, Mrs. Aliyeva would seem to be representing the West, and Mrs. Erdoğan the East. But one of the key goals of the conference was to get women thinking beyond stereotype.

This is true, if by "representing the west" the writer means "first lady of a hereditary dictator of a former Soviet backwater" and not "wife of a popularly elected Prime Minister in the one of the world's few functioning Muslim democracies." That's some serious stereotype-thinking beyond!

Mehriban Aliyeva is rumored to be a possible future president of Azerbaijan. If that possibility becomes reality, she will not only glamorously represent her country, but also be the first woman president of a Muslim nation. Such a president - indeed, such a woman - with passion and dreams for her country will stand as a shining example to the Muslim world.

I think the article missed an important nuance to this story. Only when even Muslim women can steal elections, beat journalists and become leaders of a hereditary kelptocracy will the glass ceiling really be broken. Mehriban Aliyeva is truly a pioneer. I wish her the best of luck in her political career.

Where, you ask, did this article appear? In the Moonie-tastic Washington Times, which is about as reality -based as Today.az. Some hack really earned his retainer getting this one placed.

No Olympics for You, Baku

Here's a shocker: Azerbaijan was not awarded the 2016 Olympics.That just goes to show that, even when it comes to the Olympic Committee, bribery and graft can get you only so far (Sochi demonstrates, however, that it can get you pretty far).

The participants in an Azerbaijan listserve we read do their best to boost Azerbaijan's chances for winning the lifetime achievement award for ridiculous conspiracy theory development, however. A few weeks back, after Forbes.com placed oil-soaked Baku at the top of list of the World's Most Polluted Cities, speculation on the listserve (populated, let me point out, by the intelligentsia), raged that Chicago's Olympic Committee -- clearly afraid of the competition presented by Baku -- was behind this unjust ranking.

That line of argument carried on only until someone else pointed out that Yerevan is polluted too but no one ever talks about it, taking the debate in a much more predictable direction.

Ask Carpetblogger: Does Camel Toe Have Two Meanings?

Because there are so many easy targets, Out of respect for the rich culture of Azerbaijan, I usually try to ignore ridiculous new stories coming out of Baku. But like the asshole hotel, once they hit outlets like FARK, I feel it's my duty to weigh in and add a bit of cultural context.

The local media recently busted the Camel Toe, a fine drinking establishment in Baku that I have used to illustrate so many anecdotes that Carpetblog (proudly) comes up in google searches of the term.  Apparently, the wizards at the state-controlled Today.AZ just discovered what the name means. (Don't know? Wikipedia does).

The retardedness of taking issue with the name of a bar that has been there for AT LEAST five years is exceeded only by the retardedness of the article itself. Because I don't trust you to click through, I'm going to parse it in this post so you don't miss a morsel.

Azerbaijan is among the most tolerant countries of the world.

This has been repeatedly stated even on state level. Our country serves as an example for other CIS states

This is true, though let's be careful about setting the bar too high. Azerbaijan does compare favorably to Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan and Belarus. However, the Kyrgyz have a real edge in the sheep fucking department and the Moldovans might have better food.

A pub named Camel's toe which initially seems to mean what it means -"A toe of a camel" functions in the very center of Baku, several meters away from the passage, at 22. Mamedaliyev street.

But, in fact the name has a double meaning. The Camel's Toe has a meaning "the clear visible presence of a woman's vulva as a consequence of wearing overly right [sic] pants.

A question comes to mind: was it named so on purpose? And what does the logotype of the pub, which locates in one of the most popular streets of Baku, mean? (see the photo below).

Impossible! A Baku bar whose primary clientele is snaggle-toothed rig monkeys and the women who love them was absolutely named in honor of the foot of a dromedary. What possible double meaning could be extracted from that?

The girl at the bar said the pub was named on purpose. "Every client understands it as he wills..." She refused to translate our questions to the bar owner saying that the latter is aware of the name.

Well, we would not make any conclusions. But several questions arise unwittingly.

Why did they name the pub like that? Could they not understand that this may arise protest among the local population?

I would say the questions arose dimwittedly, but in a country like Azerbaijan which, in addition to its tolerance, is also known for free and open debate in the media, that might be unfair. Also, since the local population utters nary a peep when the national treasure is appropriated by the kleptocracy while IDPs live in holes in the ground, the owners of the Camel Toe probably felt confident that opposition to the name of a bar would be muted.

Perhaps, the British citizens wanted to introduce European culture in Azerbaijan, forgetting about the local mentality?

Perhaps, they wanted to mock at Azerbaijanis, who are not aware of such details of British slang? Or perhaps they bound the slang name of the pub with Azerbaijani ladies, visiting it?

None of the Brits I knew ever tried to introduce any kind of culture, European or otherwise, to Baku. Furthermore, "camel toes" would be the least unkind thing you could say about any Azerbaijani "ladies" that frequented that bar.

The article is infused with a "I'm shocked! Shocked!" tone at the prospect that prostitution *might* be going on in the neighborhood.

By information, our news agency received, prostitutes are working at some pubs, providing services to foreign "fat cats" for at least $500. "Ladies" do not want the local population to see them, therefore, such establishments are usually private and local residents are not allowed in.

So by "private" Today.AZ must mean "advertising in all the English language newspapers" and "garishly signed on the street." And why would any local visit an overpriced pub aimed at foreigners when there are at least eleventy-million sleazy joints offering bargain-basement whores within a 10 block radius that appeal more to the "local mentality" (i.e. young and hairy)? Remember the old Carpetblog rule about bars which you have to walk downstairs to enter?

The sheer number of whorehouses in a downtown area might be yet another area in which Azerbaijan leads the CIS. And when you're competing against Kyiv and Moscow, that's quite an achievement.

All this manufactured outrage at Today.Az suggests to me that the owner of the Camel Toe got sideways with someone in the government, or ran a whorehouse that provided too much competition to the other brazillion in the immediate vicinity or the local liquor importing cartel decided to play hardball. The Producer, who is once again Carpetblog's on-the-ground eyes and ears, reports that the fuss is the work of a disgruntled employee.

Carpetblog Takes Issue: The Exile Goes to Baku

In  typically long-winded piece, Moscow's The Exile gets Baku mostly right. There's also a fine photo essay here from which all these photos come.

Carpetblog does take issue, however, with a few points, in descending order of importance.

Sit on a bench along the posh shopping boulevards in downtown Baku and you’ll soon spot the only two species of western Baku expat: the well-heeled consultant talking oil jargon to his Blackberry, and the Cockney-accented offshore rig worker. Both gather in the same British pubs at night to drink ale, watch rugby, and trade stories about the Russified Shia whores who are as much a part of the oil economy as BP. It is arguably the most depressing expat scene in the world. Even the Riyadh compound rats have clear skies and breathable air.

Most depressing expat scene in the world? Are you for serious? Sure the air's a little dark and the water a little chunky. And, if you lie down with Rig Monkeys, you're definitely going to wake up with whores.

As a Baku expat, you can do anything you want*. You can get nearly any prescription drug over the counter. You can sleep in the bushes on the Boulevard. You can buy your way out of any jam (well, most jams). You can dance until your nipples bleed.  You can ignore every traffic law. You have access to all kinds of bars, as long as they are English, Irish or Scottish. You can buy any DVD the day it's released in the theaters.   You can walk around Fountain Square at 3 am, bearded, in a shalwar kameez and the police won't know what to do with you. No one will notice if you are too hung over to do your job, since no one expects you to accomplish anything and it's probably a week-long holiday anyway. There are thousands of creative ways to entertain yourself, including one or two that don't involve alcohol or soviet-made cars. What's not to like about that?

Seriously, several expat scenes pop immediately into my head that are much, much worse.

I liked the article because it's the first one in a while that's done any probing into the Azerbaijan-American Chamber of Commerce, even though it doesn't get very far into it. I was disappointed, though, when it parroted the same old tired opposition and media NGO lines, without really questioning. 

"The stabbing of Agil Khalil is part of campaign of repression about the Azerbaijani press,” says Emin Huseynov, Chairman of the Institute for Reporters' Freedom and Safety in Baku. “Every March before an election there is an attack on the press. Before the 2005 parliamentary elections, the editor of the Monitor Journal was murdered. The government wants to instill fear and prevent dissident thinking.”

"Every march before an election there's an attack on the press?"OK, you mean like, twice? There were none at any other time? And anyway, the government doesn't have to try very hard to prevent dissident (or any other kind of) thinking in Azerbaijan.

Huseynov also does not discount the possibility that the attack on Khalil was intended as a message to the West. “It is interesting that just two days before [the stabbing] the U.S. released is annual report on human rights practices,” he said. “There is something to the theory that after such reports are released, attacks like this take place as retribution, to make the point that such reports [accomplish] nothing, and that our government has no obligation to listen to other countries.

I guess if you think anyone actually pays any attention to State Department Human Rights reports, this theory might be plausible. Mostly, these are just the fantasies of powerless people who harbor the illusion any western Embassy is going to do anything about the human rights situation in Azerbaijan, other than make the occasional meaningless gesture.

Still, if you heart Baku, the article and photos are worth a look, despite these quibbles.

*These are things I've heard you can do in Baku.

Carpetblog Weighs In: Disneyland in Baku

Astute reader Jonathan passes along a titillating rumor that he's heard around Baku!

"Baku is trying to negotiate to be the location for a Disneyworld! It will be out on the island off Baku, and there will be a new causeway connecting to the new road they are building up near TISA.

I find it hard to believe but then I remind myself that this is a place that thinks it can get the Olympics…

All those fancy hotel pictures you have seen (the arsehole one…) are tied into this dream I suspect."

ZOMG! Because Carpetblog is nothing if not service-y, we're offering some ideas for amusements that we think are consistent with the "Happiest Place on Earth" brand yet, at the same time, take advantage of the rich cultural offerings of "the Oasis Between Iran and Chechnya."

We've already weighed in on some potential events should Azerbaijan be selected to host the 2016 Olympics. Here are some Carpetblog-approved attractions for Disneyland-Baku, offered free of charge.

"It's a Small World": The Boat Bar was an abandoned Soviet-era passenger ferry rusting at a pier next to the boulevard. It was, by far, the best bar in the Greater Caspian Region. Re-hire the whores, water down the liquor, genetically enhance the bed bugs, fill it with pointy-toe shoed thugs and crank the Tatu up to 11! I will personally contribute my bottle of "Za Karabagh!" jubilee vodka for the rechristening.

"Autopia": The best part about MAC Carting was that no matter what time of night (or morning) and in what state of intoxication you arrived, you could drive go-carts as fast as they would go and issue daring challenges to your contemporaries. This is a no-brainer.

"Mad Tea Party" A group of drunk women crash the all-male chaikhana on Malakansky Sad.  Watch the sunflower seeds fly!

"Kleptocrats of the Caspian:" Guys in shiny pin stripe suits randomly approach guests and demand $80 in exchange for a stamp on their ticket stub.

"Frontierland Shootin' Exposition:" Recreates the scene on the Iranian border when the US invades.

"Astro Blasters:" Entry free of charge with purchase of two half-cooked lula kebabs and six Xirdalan beers. It's a squatter!

Carpetblog 100% supports this idea, but there's really no need to build an island. So many of these attractions already exist in Baku that the capital investment should be pretty minimal.

 

 

 

Azerbaijan Death Star

Seriously, I was trying to ignore this ridiculous hotel proposal for Baku, but it turns out I can't. The Azeris are challenging the Gulf Arabs for the "More Money Than Taste" Award.

It looks like a giant asshole to me, which is screamingly appropriate.